Trying to shake it off

Do you guys know the feeling of being addicted?

I know that feeling far too well.

There were:

BSB

BRITNEY SPEARS

ROMANCE NOVELS

ROMANCE MOVIES

HARRY POTTER

TWILIGHT

EDWARD CULLEN

RUPERT GRINT

and now?

K-POP.

I have been through this so many times...and usually, the feeling of being addicted dies off...it's just so different this time.

I am still so hype about it. I still feel so new to it.

It's like there so much more to explore and I want to explore it.

It has become a repition.

Something that I can't seem to shake off....

I just wish I was that normal girl. I wish I wasn't so easily influence....but, I have to ask myself. If I had never known about K-POP...Would I be happy? Would I easily smile just at the sight of those K-POP music videos?

Can I live without knowing such a wonderful soul like Onew exist?

I don't think so.

This is all apart of my life now and my goal is to be an entertainer. I want to be apart of this K-POP entertainment industry.

It's aiming high...But....I want to be apart of it. So I don't care.

BTW, I am finally going to see SHINee soon at the Korean Pop Night concert. I hope Onew doesn't see me. I just don't want him to know that I exist. Right now, I am fine with my one sided love for him. He doesn't have reciprocate.

He deserves it.

Life is not great but it's going well...I don't have anything to worry. It's just work now. I wished I hadn't signed this stupid bond. I feel so tied up.

I hvae been wondering lately....I am 22 this year and yet to have my very first kiss.

I think I am worse off than the 'cat lady'.

When would I get it? Can I not wait anymore? How much more do I have to put myself out there?

I like what Christine said in her blog..

Illusions becomes delusions.

Something that never were reality turn into something that you believe. Delusions. Such a bad description...but soooo gooood.

Do I even make sense tonight?

I am not so sure...

GD nite..

I LOVE ONEW.

To ONEW

It's seem a bit crazy
For me to love you from here.
All that I have been hearing lately,
"Shilla, you've changed", I hear fear.

I can't help but feel more
The more you sing
The more I adore

So my love may never be known to you
And somehow, I am accepting fate.
Ten million other girls feel the same way too.
And I am hook on the bait.

Sometime I feel like, how can you not know this?
All the things I am doing,
All the things I am buying,
just to be that one person
to be the one supporting your dream.

People tell me,
'You're delisional"
"You're a hopeless case."
"You're just one of those."

It hurts.
But if my love is one of those
That makes you smile.

Then all of this, all of this....

Is worthwhile.

Fantastic.

So today....

Well,

Today is the day that I will move out from this house.

Yes, after five years here...we're moving.

Not that it's sad or anything, it's just....very very tiring.

wait, make that it's very EXHAUSTING.

I really hated today......just the packing up part. Really, hate it.

I am a very very lazy person and cleaning up the house.....I hate it.

But I did pack anyways....no matter how grudgingly or whiny I was....I still packed.

Not that spoilt I guess....but a brat? Yeas. Most definitely still that. A REAL BRAT.

I am really not proud of that...but it's like a habit.

really really really hard to break.

Right now, I am not feeling anything. I am not happy (yes. Very tired and sleepy) and I am defintely not sad (I'm just not).

Watching my sister dance, I really think she is a GREAT dancer...more of freestyle but she can pick up dance from YOUTUBE. I can never do that...i just pick up well when someone teach me....so envious!

Anyway, I practice singing Please don't go by SHINee and I tried to tune myself...Christine, I hit the note right more this time! Woohoo!

She even told me that I hit the ONEW'S NOTE RIGHT!

Do you know how that made my day?

It made my day into one freaking fairytale! Gosh, just imagine, Onew asked me to sing with him!!! Wah! I think I would fly over the moon!

Not literally, of course.

I am trying to write more songs and stealing people's melody....

Any Ideas on who I should steal a melody from?

I am trying to write song for Onew...a romantic one. But, I can't find any nice sound I can steal from.....

....

Colbie Callait always sound pretty nice....should I?

Fallin' for you is nice...right? and I am not bragging, but I think I can sing her song.....

I don't know....

Oh well, I know when I know I guess!

Ok....good night now ppl! Sleep tight! close your eyes.....

For this one time.

For this one time,

I am not going to talk about you.

For this one time,

I let myself see the world as it is.

For this one time,

I would live for myself.

The world as I see it now,

Silent. Hush. Peaceful.

Lonely.

But that is alright.

I hear the murmurs of lovers.

I love you.

I need you.

I hate you.

For this one time,

I walk alone looking from the outside.

I see children holding hands with their mothers.

I feel the wind blowing in my direction.

I walked, still looking from the outside.

For this one time,

It feels horrible to ignore your existence.

To not be able to think about you,

is pure torture.

Though, you suffocate me with your love,

This 'one time' without you feels like death.

For this one time,

I understand it now.

This 'One Time' will never happen again.

For this last time...

I walking back to you.

Thinking of you.

For this last time,

I am coming back to you.

I can't help my sorry ass self.

You guys NEED to press the play button!

My Onew got molested by these bunch of girls...it was so funny.

And I am NOT jealous.

You wanna know why?

Well, because Onew didn't seem to like it...he was pretty much laughing and suprised that he was chosen to dance with them...I think he still think he's not a HOT commodity.. which is obviously not true....He was laughing and kind of embarrased...

which leads to one conclusion....

THESE KINDS OF GIRLS ARE NOT HIS TYPE OF GIRLS.

Thank god.

Anyways, as you can see...when he was pulled by the girls...he dance a bit and wanted to go to the other side to dance with the 'other' girls as well, but he was blocked and later surrounded by the girls with loooong legs.

And one of the girl pinch his cheek and he pulled away because...I don't know...but I think he was abit embarrased...

Kudos to that girl.

I would have done it tooo if I were her.

Onew so hot right now...that girls with freakishly long legs and slim body are chasing after him...

You guys would also probably see that he fell again....hahaha...his sangtae never fail to be by his side...and that is why he is so charming...'

And as usual, My SHINee men saved Onew by joining in the dance...

I love it when Onew is exposed to these kind of thing....he just....flumbles and falls...makes him...more attractive than ever.

NItes.

I am in love with you.

The morning is another wake up call.

I press the button to my alarm.

I sat up straight, look outside.

I played your song.

I played your song.

It might seem crazy.

For me to love you.

To love you voice, to love your face.

To love you.

But they don't get it.

For me to love you,

It's amazing, it's not a waste

To love you.

My friends tell me I should not let this go far.

Keep it control. Keep it low.

I am not myself if I stop.

You don't know who I am.

But I know who you are.

And that's enough.

That's enough.

It might seem crazy.

For me to love you.

But, I won't stop.

I won't stop.

They will never get it.

They don't have to.

You might not get it too.

But know that...

I am in love with you.

THANKS FOR READING....

THIS GUY IS.....should leave me now.

Everytime, I try to run away from my obsession of Onew....I just can't. I get information like

"Hey, did you see Onew? He was so adorable when he did this. He did the V at the end...so cute."

So, instead of just ignoring this remark, I go to YouTube to find it....and what I found....it made me smile....and worried.

Check this Video out...

Did you see how adorable he is at the end? This worries me...alot. It makes me like him more.......and that is bad.

I don't want to like him MORE. I have enough.

I want to STOP.

And yet, I just found out he did this...

How....can I not like him? He dropped he mic and he use all his energy to just get the mic back and he fall....his "sangtae"....I just wish he said

"I don't really like fat girls."

That would cause a nation roar....but still....that would make me hate him.....not immediately...but hate him nonetheless.

But I don't think he would ever because....he's just an amazing person. Did you know that when he was asked about his IDEAL girl, he simply answered;

"When I see her, I just have that feeling for her. When I see her, I would like her."

The perfect answer. The perfect MAN answer.

The worst....he's the type that never seem to judge and he's beautiful. When he met with the pakistani worker....coming straight from his musical(no rest at all)...and he greeted the Pakistani workers

"Assalamuailaikum."

WOW.....I was just really happy at that point of time (no need to mention that i jumped out my chair and scream!)

You see....It's not me that don't want to get over him...I just can't do it.

I have come to the conclusion...that he, in fact, deserve all this admiration I am giving....and I am giving up trying to stump my obsession into a box.

It's too hard...because he's perfect and I am in love with him.

Good nites.

Omo!

My head is chantting SIMON D!

I should have find out about him at the moment Christine talked about him.

He's soooo hot.

His voice is like from his freaking feet and it's awesome!

He can carry a tune tooooo.....SEXY!

Just needed to say this. People...check out Simon D from supreme team

YOU HEAR!!!!!

Back from a world of fabulous..

OK.

Christine have not update her blog and I am pretty sure she's still is typing.... so, you have to take it from me....

*caution: This may be overload of Du Jun cuteness overflow!

Day 1 (24th June 2010)

This was the most nerve wrecking day of my life. I was trying to get myself warmed up by going to Razia's house.

Was still nervous. Mind you, It was my very first SHOWCASE and then I was going alone. I WILL NEVER EVER GO TO A SHOWCASE alone again. It's really very very very lonely and I felt I was about to die.

When I reached Mediacorp....People was already on a queue line. I ended up at the last step of the staircase. The irony.

There was this girl in front of me and like me, she was alone. So, I strike up a conversation with her....I think it was the other way round...but all the same, we talked.

I would like to cut this side of the story cause there was a SNOB......

ANYWAY, When I was in the studio...I kinda got the best seat....well upstairs but stilllllll I could see everything. And I was the only one wearing white. I am going to go to the extend to say that I was quite a stand out in my row...cause apparently...my row is the DEAD row...so many lifeless fan.

All the better for me.

Wanna know why?

CAUSE DU JUN WAVED AT MY SIDE OF THE ROW FIRST! THEN I TOTALLY WAVED BACK AND ......DU JUN POINTED AT ME AND WAVED AGAIN.

Thanks the heaven that I was still sane.

Cause if I wasn't...I would have jump down from that upper deck thinking I could fly! I was THAT happy!

The showcase was great cause I still waved like crazy and it paid off...cause some of the Beast member started waving at my row....

Thanks to Du Jun. I love him!

When the showcase finish, I was really tired. And I forgot to peee....so much so....That when I was interviewed by CNA, I still forgot that I needed to pee....My mind was sooooooo full of BEAST...and the fact Du Jun waved at me....I know some of you would say that he was probably NOT really waving at me....but whatever, you guys weren't there....I believe what I saw...and nothing is going to change that....

It's a bit sucky that I didn't record this event....but nonetheless, I did record the FANSIGNING event!

DAY 2 ( FanSigning event)

Met Christine at about 3 pm...initially wanted to meet at about 2pm...but I WAS SO tired from yesterday and I have a cold and sore throat that I didn't sleep the whole NIGHT!

Christine was, as usual, LOOKING GOOD! We took the shuttle bus to IMM...cause we're both lazy bums. LOL! I was shouting, "we're going to see beast!!!!" And Christine got embarrassed....but she knows I LOVE HER.

Anywy when we reached....my eyes couldn't believe what the hell was happening...There was 2 QUEUE!!! Christine and I were so confused. Both line said that they were the official line.

Can you imagine our dilemma?

Anyway, since Christine had more exprience with this kind of things...She did the most SMARTEST thing.

Ask the security guard.

So when we confirmed that the line opposite was the REAL OFFICIAL OUT OF THE 2 OFFICIAL, we took our butts and line up and join the queue.

This time, I was super stoke! You could say that I was pretty much the entertainment for people around me. I manage to cheer the girls behind me. I felt so bad for them, they came at about 12 and had a queue....and in the end, found out that the queue number was a scam and ended up lining behind us.

Poor girls.

Nontheless, I was the UNNIE that cheered them up....and I had alot of fun with Christine on my side! We were super cool.....

I felt like we were like sheeps too....moving up and down to accomodate the people in front. And also to avoid people to cut queue.

When we finally was give the green light to go to the Garden thingy at IMM, We RAN LIKE OUR LIFE depended on it.

Guys, I still could run. Not bad for a fat girl....hehehe

Christine and I decided to stay back near chairs so that I can get a good shot of Beast. We, initally thought, we had the ticket and we're already there... OUR ALBUM would definitely get signed, so we weren't worried. I mean, think about it, if we were last....we could get Beast to notice us more and we won't be pressured to go faster or be pushed by the security guard.

So, my main focus was to get a clear shot of Beast. The clearest and bestest quality for FANs who didn't make it today.

I seriously did get good shots.

Du jun.....He eye-contact my camera TWICE.

TWICE PEOPLE!

I got good shots of everyone...I going to put up tomorrow. So you guys would have to wait.

BTW, Christine was really crazy beside me.....Screaming "Gi Kwang!!!!! Gi Kwang!!!!! GI KWANG!!!!"

I tried not to shout but I couldn't help it....I wanted Du Jun! Boy.....I never wanted anyone's attention that much before in my life!

So after getting really AWESOME shots, we decided to get in queue for the fansigning....

It was really slow. But both of us was confident we would get our album signed.

UNTIL

we got to the 3rd row.

The MC started saying that they were running out of time and there were only 15 minutes left. By the looks of it, our cds probably won't get signed.

My heart dropped on the floorr.....and Christine wanted to cry.

That was when....we started pushing in...and perservere and believe in a MIRICLE!

It pays to believe guys....it pays to believe!

BECAUSE WE DID GET OUR CD SIGNED!!!!!!

I REMEMBER JUMPING UP AND DOWN AS WE GOT CLOSER TO BEAST AND CHRISTINE AND I HAD OUR ARM INTERLINK...

The first member who looked at us was YO SEOP! He was soooooo cute and small and just blonde....I remembered when he turned to us....like a true blue noonas who were retarded said

"HELLO!!!!" in the most high pitched voice that Yo Seop was taken aback....but waved and smiled at us...My heart melted.

The next one was DU JUN.

You know I said earlier about perservering will pay off???

Well...so does persistent.

At this point, I really don't know what Christine was doing...all I could focus on was...Du Jun was in front of me!! He was in front of ME! So I started saying "Hello, Aniyonghaseyo, hello, aniyonghaseyo" until he looked up and SMILED!

I swear I saw stars. heheheheheheheheh

I was smiling like an idiot...and he was quite big too...Like bulk and stuff...like BOYFRIEND material.

THEN

we went to Hyung Seong, he was so pretty...I couldn't get anything out.

THEN

Dong Woon....he was blur...but I did say "hwaiting" and he smiled!

THE MOST AMAZING PART....

CHRISTINE TALKED TO GI KWANG. I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE GOT HER COURAGE FROM...BUT SHE JUST DID.

IT MADE MY DAY! CAUSE GI KWANG ACTUALLY ANSWERED HER AND HE LOOKED UP SO HE HAD TO SEE HER...AND SEE ME.....I REMEMBER WAVING AT HIM AND SMILING.....

THen....

nothing.

I didn't even see Jun Hyuong....I didn't bother....cause he was soooo damn aloof.

Today was amazing guys....this is the absolute condense version...

I promise to put the vids tmr..... AND LET U SEE DU JUN EYE CONTACT!

I hope Christine wrote her side of the story while talking to Gi Kwang....I hope she remember what she did....haahahahaha

Love you guys loads.

LOVE DU JUN.

NITES.

It's soooooo hot.

Ok first off...

it's really really hot in my room.

The fan broke down and this is the first time I am in a room....where...ther...e...is.....n...nooo.....air....

Or air that circulates around and make you feel cool enough.

I just got back reading Christine's blog...and she said someting about supreme team and how cute one guy is....

But I have not checked it out yet....cause, I am lazy to click the button that says play.

Once, again, I would just like to brag that yours truly was mention.

BTW BEAST IS HERE IN SINGAPORE!

RIGHT NOW!

LIVING AND BREATHING THE SAME AIR AS I AM!!!

But, now that I think about it....I think they're probably in their hotel room talking to each other about the Hi 5 event they had...

this is how it prob went down,

Yo Seob: I never thought being blonde was such a turn on! Did you see the number of girls that looked at me?

Ki Gwang: Are you kidding? They were looking at me.

Jun Hyung: Ani. They were looking at me.

Dong Woon: Why are we speaking english?

Hahahahaha! It might have happen like that, huh?

Ok, maybe not.

The fact that they're seriously breathing the same air as me makes me want to breath in this hot heated humid air.

Pathetic.

OMO OMO OMO!!!

Hello!

I know it's been a long time and I know that....people are dying to read my blog....But here it is!

Ok....to start off....

I HAVE GOTTEN ALL SHINEE CD THERE IS!!!

Isn't that just great? Thanks to my friend.....MEI PONG SHI! Love you till loads!

Now...I don't have to feel guilty about having more Big Bang songs in my Itouch. I love it....Hehehehe...

She told me about the SM shop in MYUNG DONG.....Omg! When she told me, I felt my heart beating to death. The prices she had said...My head just cannot comprehend.

YOU GUYS!!! I have been sooooo ripped of by COMIC CONNECTIONS.

She bought me a sticker that has only Onew in it....from the Ring Ding Dong period and I got almost a similar sticker except that it was all MY MEN from SHINee.

And she got it for 5000 won...which is more or less $5!

I bought it for $29.90.

I realize how stupid I have been....So from now on, It's all about saving for the trip to Korea.

I am not buying anything from Singapore anymore. Nothing. Zilch. Nada.

Hmm....how do one say "zero" in Korean? Hmmm....great, I have been studying the language and yet...still as blur.

Anyways, getting back to the story, I was so happy that I totally ignore my teacher........hehehehe...

And I am going to that damn photo booth where you can take picture with SHINee as the back ground!

Shilla!!!!!! Hwaiting!!

I just finish reading Christine's blog and I am so jealous. Her blog are so deep and interesting and it's great that she can express everything in words. She's a great writer...check her blog.

She's Ah-ma-zing!

I am going to sleep now...My sister kinda spoil my happy mood.

Nites people.

To lose it all

It feels so weird to realize I lost everything in one time.

Starting a fresh. What a lie.

I think this time I might go to real depression.

Reality slapped me yesterday.

I fell.

This is just awesome.

I wished I worked today.

That would have kept me busy.

Hafizah

Lately....

I realise that I have been neglecting you.

Forgetting about you.

Ignoring you.

But..... I love you, still.

As my sister and my best friend.

If you ask me if I miss you.... I do.

All the talks...all the fights....and all the laughter just between us and no one else....

I don't answer any of your msgs....because I can't....

And I rarely call you because I prefer to see you and talk.

Hafizah, you are my best friend. And I love you.

The way you were, the way you are and the way you're going to be.....

I am still here.

When you need me.

If you need me.

Call me.

MY house phone btw....

62855933..... I am at home at 10.....pm.....

Love you always.

Shilla.

To my modest Chin Gu Ga, Christine Shi

Aniyoonghaseyo,

Christine shi, guen chan ha yo?

I hope you're doing fine.......

Anyhoo....I have read your 14 May 2010 blog and I know it was just a rant blog....but that particular blog have been on my mind for awhile.....

I know you didn't ask for sympathy and this is not suppose to be a sympathy blog...

After reading that blog, I felt like I should be a friend....and I felt you needed one.

So here I am.

The blog said how you are afraid....but amidst all that...you have GOT to see how BRAVE you are.

Admitting that you're afraid to do so many stuff....hey, isn't that bravery to show that you're flawed just like everyone else?

That's the beauty in you.

And....some of those "afraids" well, I have it too...

So you're not alone....

I am 22....Which makes me your Unnie!!! and I depend on so many people....to love me....and to make me feel like I am wanted.

I cry like a baby too...heck, I still stamp my feet (bad habit)...

So, I think that blog just make you more real to me.

It makes me think that you have a deep soul and you care for people around you....

When you feel bad again...

Just remember that you are real to someone.

Lots of love

shilla.

Today was just a WOW day!

Meeting up BFFs. Dancing like mad. Talking about guys. Talking about girls. Talking about romance. Watching "Orphan".

Today was THE best day of my life.

It started off at about 12:45 pm today, when I met Isabella at woodlands bus interchange. There was some miscommunication as yours truly didn't top her card....

So there I was waiting in my blazer and thick cotton dress...burning up. You might think that the most sane thing to do was to take off my blazer and not drench it with my sweat. However, something inside me just could not do it.....

I am a victim of fashion.

I really thought if I were to take off my blazer, I would look so plain....and I could stand the idea. LOL!

Anyways, when Isabella arrived we headed to Raz's house!!!!!

And....from then on, the fun began. It was really so much fun than going out somewhere....

The best part, I made my friends watched the last part of Princess hours....and they did watch it... I found out something about Isabella too.... She likes to read out subtitles! Hahaha....I cannot believe it.

Another gr8 part was that, I did my dance debut in front of my friends! RAZIA even dance with me!!!! Raz, next time we should learn the whole dance and perform it! Both of us have great butt movement! HAHAHAHAHA!

I had a brief singing lessons with my friend. I guess singing is part of my passion that I got so paranoid when I didn't hit the notes right....and I begged my friends to stopped. Maybe next time, ya?

So, Christine came a bit later and Isabella had to go cause it was her brother's birthday today.... Isabella didn't get to finish watching the "Orphan".... and the story got so thrilling in the end that Christine started screaming "GRANDMA!!!! NO!!" hahaha....

Well, the story was good but the starting was soooooo slow. But, overall, it's 3 out 5. So, you might want to catch it...

After the movie, Christine, Razia and I ate dinner.... a few minutes in our silent eating, Razia started to ask questions... and it was interesting because it was about "Who do you think is..."

I got to know that I am:

The most adoroble

The most Immature despite I am a noona and they are all my dong seng.

The most......what was that?????.....

I think that's about it. ha!

Christine and I had a chat in korean but all we did was introduce ourselves...cause that was all I know. Christine is very good an speaking korean....since she started 5 years ago....it was really fun to me and I hope we keep talking in korean so I can improve....

As usual, I was the last to go....Razia's house is really THE HANGOUT place to be. It's warm and nice and fuzzy and I can do almost anything I want. But the best part was haning out with friends without the need to spend any kind of money...that's the greatest part!

Of course, I talked about Onew...

How can I not? I am in love with him....truly am. Shoot me if you don't believe me....

Anyways, before I left, Raz asked me a really interesting question...

Raz: You know, what if you met the whole SHINee band and all of them wanted to have a dinner date with you?

Me: I just will go with Onew.

Raz: You wouldn't even consider the rest?

Me: (Confidently) yes!

Raz: Shilla! How could you?

Me: I could. It's Onew!

Raz: Okay, let's say you did meet Onew...

Me: Yeah!!!!!

Raz: hahah...You meet, you know, the whole SHINee band ....and, of course, your mission is to make Onew fall in love with you. Then, suddenly, Minho came to the picture and while you were trying to make Onew fall in love with you, you fell for Minho and Minho fell for you and the CRAZIEST THING is , Onew really falls in love with you!!! What are you going to do?

Me: HUH!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!

Raz: Stop avoiding the question...What would you do?

Me: ....I....I .....would....you mean, I am not in love with ONEW? How is that possible, Raz?

Raz: Hypothetically. WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Me: ..... I don't know.... but I think I would tell Minho the truth... the truth that I was planning to fall in love with Onew and not him. I don't really know what I will do about Onew though...I don't want to hurt him....

Raz: hahah....(SIGH)

Me: (SIGH-ed big time!)

It was such an interesting thing to actually think about. What if that really happened. Ok...not specifically in that SHINee term...but normally...though I would rather the SHINee term....I really would not know what to do.

It remind of that movie "While You Were Sleeping"....hmm.... but if this really happen....I would scream DRAMA DRAMA!!!

Whoa...this is such a long blog...and I have to make it longer.

In Christine blog, there is this question....I am going to put it here and answer it with a person in mind.........

1. Do you need him/her to be good looking?
uh....I am not sure. Onew is awesome looking...so I guess, YES?

2. Smart?
Nope. I don't need that. Its interesting, but if he doesn't have to BE SMART...but wait. Onew is smart, so I guess, YES?

3. Preferred age?
A year younger than me.

4. Preferred height?
Onew is taller than me....so, I guess, YES?

5. How about sense of humor?
Has to be extremely funny....like Onew! He makes my stomach hurt with his dorkiness and cuteness and funny-ness.

6. How about piercings?
As long as he takes it off when he meets my dad.

7. Accepts you for who you are?
Yes.

8. Pink hair?
Anything would look good on Onew...So...YES!!!

9. Mushy or no?
YES. i am sucker for mushiness.

10. Thin or fat?
ONEW size.

11. Black, Brown or White (skin color)?
ONEW's skin tone.

12. Long hair or short hair?
Onew looks better with a short hair...Short hair then..

13. Plastic or metal?
Both are not enviromental friendly.

14. Smells good?
Onew probably smells delicious, na? So yes.

15. Smoker?
NOPE! NEVER!

16. Drinker?
Whatever Onew's alcohol limit is...

17. Girl/Boy-next-door type?
ONEW-NEXT-DOOR type.

18. Muscular?
Hmm...yeah? Onew's buffing up recently!!! EP 11 hello baby proved that!

19. Plays piano?
Yes....Onew played Piano.

20. Plays bass and/or acoustic guitar?
Uh....does Onew play this? If yes, then yes. If not...then no.

21. Plays violin?
No...it just remind me of that really irritating guy in BOF.

22. Sings well?
Onew is the best singer in the world...so yes.

23. Vain?
As long as it is with the Onew vain meter.

24. With glasses?
Onew really look cute in them!!! so YES YES YES!

25. With braces?
My korean teacher looks hot in them....So, I guess no?

26. Shy type?
YES! Onew's awkward around girls...and that's a very endearing character...

27. Rebel or good boy/girl?
Onew's a good guy....I love that. So...it's good boy.

28. Active or passive?
Um....i dunno.

29. Tight or bomb?
Yes, Onew wears tight jeans...and he looks good....So it's tight, i think?

30. Singer or dancer?
Onew's both!!!!!!

31. Stunner?
Hmm....Onew is stunning! But that will make me jealous....So....no?

32. classical?
I hate classical.

33. Earrings?
Anything....if Onew wants earring then he can have them....He looks good anyways.

34. Mr/Ms. count-my-ex-girlfriends-until-you-drop?
Hmm.....Well as long as I am the LAST and ONLY ONE.

35. Dimples?
no...cause Onew doesn't have one.

36. Bookworm?
HAHAHA! Since onew's smart...I think he reads....so i would say yes!

37. Mr/Ms. love letter?
Yes....it will be so romantice if Onew send me one! I hope it's a lyrics to a new song.

38. Playful?
Yes...Onew is VERY playful!

39. Flirt?
All the freaking time. Gotta keep the relationship seem new!!! I mean Onew's is surrunded by pretty girls all the time!

40. Poem writer?
Onew's one...so yes!

41. Serious?
No....ok....when he needs to be...I think Onew can do that.

42. Campus crush?
what is this?

43. Painter?
not really. Onew's a singer.

44. Religious?
no...cause I am not one.

45. Someone who likes to tease people?
Yes....hopefully he teases me....

46. Computer games geek? Or internet freak?
Internet freak...but I don't think Onew is any of those.

47. Speaks 20 languages?
Onew can only speak, korean, chinese and english. That's 3. So I don't think I need him to say more. All he has to say is 너를 사랑해요....

48. Loyal or faithful?
I hope Onew is faithful...at least that would make him sound like a lover.

49. good kisser?
Onew's has nice lips....so I think he is a good kisser...SO YES!

50. loves children??
doesn't matter.

Thats's all!!!!!!!

Love ya peeps!

Promises can be broken.

I know I promised that I would put up a list why I LOVE SHINee!!!!

But....slowly, I am starting to realize that the list needs to be amended.....

Now....it's THE LIST OF WHY I LOVE ONEW!

1) Even when people say ( and ALOT of the do ) that Onew looks pretty much ok in the industry, when I look at him.....I see STARS... and he's dazzling.

2) Onew, to me, is the best CREATION by God.

3) I smile like a 바보 when I see Onew anywhere.

4) I get excited.... When I see onew poster!

5) I bought Onew's Poster....and paste it beside me....so that it will be the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning.

6) I laugh like a girl.

7) I giggle like a girl.

8) I just.........love him.

9) I am IN LOVE WITH HIM.

10) I want to marry him....and I dream about him...

HELP.

I just can't help it.

There.

Take a look at it.

Doesn't your heart beat faster and your mouth curl into a smile?

Mine did.

I feel such bittersweet emotion.

Bitter because....the need to be with him is left unfullfilled.

Sweet because....he just makes me smile.

I really am in love with him.

Writting this down just make me smile like an idiotic fool and makes me blush. Onew/ Jinki is just really the most attractive man in the world. Look at how he just hug that man to protect his dongseng....

And when he was being dragged, I almost peed my pants....He's so cute.

You know, the more I try to stop myself from being a fangirl. The more of a fangirl I become.

But I just can't help it.

And I won't help it.

Just let me dream...and drool for now.

Until, at least, when Mr. Right* find me......

*Onew of course! Or anything close to him......

bo.bo.bo......

Dear blog,

I would like to apologise to you as I have not been updating my blog and have been having a life.

Well, not really a life that is socially equipped but a LIFE nontheless.

Alright, you got me...My "LIFE" right now only involve of korean stuff.

I am actually quite piss off.

I need them.

SHINee.

I really do!

I have been searching up and down....on YouTube and all the videos.....I am getting nothing new!!! I need something new and I am dying for it...literally going out of my sanity.

Anyways, I am here to talk about my friends.

It amazes me how my friends....have other friends that I don't know. It shouldn't amaze me but I am amaze....Cause for me, They are all I've got and they know each other....

That's it. That was all I want to talk about my friends...Haha....actually, I have nothing to talk about today.

Except for my undying love for Onew/Lee Jinki. I really do want to marry him and I guess I am becoming like a freaky fan girl.

Right now, I am in cloud infinity just with the fantasy of being with him.

Can you imagine what would happen to me if Onew does end up with me?
I would probably faint. Or die. Out of Happiness.

But the most probable scenario would be me falling off that cloud infinity and crashing down to reality.

I can see it coming soon....

Just thinking about it is so demoralizing and.....it hurts.

The thing is, I remember chatting with Christine the reason why I find that being in love with Onew made me cling on hope so bad is because well, Onew's asian and he's quite near and the fantasy of being with him would be more realistic...but, now...well....now, I can see the distance. I can see so many things that are probably going to make me regret ever liking Onew this much because it's never going to happen.

And I realize that when I like someone, I tend to destroy the whole thing by being truthful or honest.


But, even after seeing this and knowing the truth, I still cling on to hope. So dearly.

Somebody should just shoot me.

I am so obsessed!

I am so obsessed with SHINee that I :

1) listen to their songs only everywhere I go.
2) hunt down the meaning of their lyrics and memorize them.
3) go to YouTube purely just to watch videos that have them in it.
4) forget that there are no other mam out there for me except them.
5) ignore all impossibilities of me meeting th as a someone on their level.
6) hang on to hope like it's a life saver.
7) could look for a bf right now but I won't and I don't want to.
8) could have a bf right now but I don't because I am too caught up with delusions that I would end up with Lee Jinki/ Onew.
9) I have to type out SHINee instead of shinee cause that's the way the band name is spelt.
10) sign up for korean lesson because I want to know that I would be able to communicate with them even though the chances of me meeting them is ZERO.

The list is quite long but I will hive it ten by ten... When I have the time I will update another ten!!!

Who I am

I just read all my entries in this blog and I have realize in the past few days that I am quite a passionate person.
For instance, right now I am so obsessed with SHINee that I am going on a diet and actually trying to learn korean and only coming to YouTube to just watch their videos....Look at my DEDICATION AND PASSION...it's crazy! And before that it was Twilight and hence the twilight skin for this blog....

And before all this mayhem.... It was HARRY POTTER....

I realize that when I get obsess with things, I start to make this obssesion my life. So, well, all you guys out them better hope that I wouldn't be obsess with you....cause I really think I would stalk you down.

Just like what I am doing with ONEW/LEE JINKI..

Everything little thing that Onew/Lee Jinki does is so funny even when it's not that funny...I don't know, he just cracks me up and put a smile on my face..and make my heartbeat run a little faster than normal.

THIS IS NOT NORMAL.

I have such high hope for myself and finding out who I really am...well, it makes me happy. All I know now is that I am the person who I wanted to be...Right now, life is fun and awesome!

I am just a girl.
I am also the superhero.
I am me.
And that is why I am still here.

I breath life in now...I don't push it away..sure it gets lonely sometimes but now...work is good and I am really doing well...I am not bragging as I have never done so well in life as I have now....I am actully feeling bright and yellow and it's sunshine everyday. I love that I am obsess with Korean stuff because it keeps me occupied and for the first time, I feel like I am not taking life for granted.

Last time, I used to think to have an adventure you have to bleed and bruise, I mean come on! Movies like Indaina Jones or the Transformer...all have an amazing adventure....but now I realize, I am going through an adventure too....and I am not bleeding or bruising.....Life is freaking roller coaster and being obsessed with all this SHINee and Korean stuff just made the wheels move faster!!!

A devoted person.

I have been working my ass off at work and neglecting this blog. I am sorry....but, its not like people read it.

Anyways, I just want to confess.

Forgive me, because well, this is another obessesion.

I am obsess with Korean stuff.....It's been a month and it has not died down. There is sooooo much to know about this miracle that I just found.

I think I have blogged this before because I am feeling a sense of DEJAVU...but,seriously, who cares. All i know is that I am the only one that loves Onew like nobody does. I appreciate everything that is about him. His looks, his clumsiness and most of all, HIM. Lee Jinki or Onew is the best creation god has ever created on this face of the planet. I am grateful that Onew exist in this world so that I can spent my time just driking in everything about him.

Sounds like a pray, don't it?

But, guys, I really am obsessed with this korean stuff that I am jumping up and down out of excitement when I start my Korean classes!!!! I can't wait to say my name is Shilla in korean and I cannot wait to master the language and go to korea and marry a korean man!!!!!

WHOA! HOLD YOUR HORSES, SHILLA!

I love this obsession, I may turn out to be a stalker and get arrested and get a restraining order but....I love this obsessive feelings....

And being In love with ONEW/LEE JINKI is just super awesome.

Sure, some might laugh at me and scoff at me for dreaming too much. For being delusional....but if u have any idea how happy I am right now because of Lee Jinki/ Onew existence....you guys wouldn't scoff so much.

I am such a dreamer. I dream too much and get my heads in the clouds...but who cares? I mean where else can you find such elation unless it's fantastical? Reality pretty much is okay right now....but hearing SHINee say that I am pretty everyday from my Ipod makes me feel like a girl and yes, feel very pretty. So you haters, suck on that!

Anyway, I can't wait to meet Isabella and Christine this friday...I am going to bring my laptop and seek Christine advice before I buy the CDs of SHINee online. Have to be precise and careful...

Ok, back to looking at Onew.....

YES!!!! CLICK PLAY.

I love CHRISTINE's blog

Recently, if you guys didn't know, I am really into this korean band called SHINee and I really absolutely adore them. Their music is a bit of RNB and Pop...It's really nice and I recommend people to watch it, love it and support these boys.

I am not exegerating when I say that these boys are THE princes we, girls, have been dreaming of and drooling over. Just google them in the engine search.

Oh, if you cannot believe that I am eating my words yet again, you can blame Christine....and her blog. I don't know how many time I said this, But it's the freaking the encyclopedia of all the KOREAN bands....

And her latest blog was partially dedicated to me. And every bit of info I took in...really really made me think I should have been there for MY ONEW....

He fainted, guys!!!! and somebody carried him and he was really weak and....he almost look dead.

God, please have mercy...don't take his soul yet. I haven't even met him and we're meant to be together.

WHOA, I SOUND LIKE A FREAKING STALKER AND A PSYCHO.

I don't want to sound like another Fangirl but I really can't help it! Why why? Why am I like this?

The thing about Christine blog that I love, Shes not delusional....She's factual....and she love SHINee like a bigger sister and I am freaking older than her and I am blushing and laughing like a stupid girl with no IQ.

Haiz....it's been about 2 weeks in since I ate rice and I really miss it.

DON'T WORRY GUYS....I am eating a bit of carbs from mashed potato....and sometimes I "mashed" the potato myself. LOL. and it's really kinda of shitty.

I love you, Onew. I do. Find me, ok?

Saranghe,

SHILaa.

Depressed....ain't that nothing new?

I am depressed right so please do keep in mind that after you read this, the feeling of darkness might overwhelm you.

I really feel I should start seeing a professional.

In all my life, I always known that my smile has been fake,

I am a fake.

I am not real.

I laugh and say "I am happy for you" when in fact I want to break down and say "why are you leaving me?". This is true. I feel like I am all alone here. Typing and wanting to cry.

Cry. I know if I do that, I would feel so much better,

But I don't want to cry.

Honest to god. I don't want to cry.

And it's not because I don't want to be weak.

Shamefully, I like feeling this miserable and depressed.

I enjoy it.

And it scares me that I feel this way about being miserable.

I hate myself.

I almost about 100 kg.

I need to lose weight but the more I think about it, the more things get through my pie hole.

What happened to me? I need to know when I lost myself and how I ever came to the point where nothing, absolutely nothing, matters to me anymore.

In fact, everyday, lately, I have been thinking about death. I really want to die.

Oh no...tears are welling up right now.

I think it's because I have been so detached from God for so long.
This is punishment.
This is what I deserve.

I do want to die. I cannot stand it being the unhappy one among people who are so happy. It's even horrible to know that these people who i envy with so much hatred...is my loved ones.

I am a stinking selfish bitch.

I should be hang.

I think about death almost with happiness now. I know if I die, I'll get punished and burn in hell. That's scares me.

BUT NOT SO MUCH AT THE REALIZATION OF BEING ALONE FOREVER SCARES ME.

I open my arms to death. Tell him to take me away. Bring me closer to god and let him deal with me. Burn me in hell. I just don't want to feel like this. To know that I AM GOING TO END UP ALONE.

How contradicting is my blog today? First, I said that I love feeling miserable and now I don't?
See how my mind is on the stupid meter?

Alone.

Guess, I am not those independent ladies who can stand on their own 2 feet and be happy with whatever forms of love they have.

I can't.

I want someone.

I want a man to love me. I do. I want him to say that he lives for me. He loves me.

I want that.

I can't be alone. I can't be alone.
Please don't make me one of those people who are alone.
Please.

I cannot stand the thought. I die from just thinking of it....I think i will die is I end up alone.

Heartbreak again.

Please don't make me the person with nobody to love her.
Please.

Just send me someone. Anyone will do. Please.

Please.

Just please don't make me feel so lonely all the time.

Please. I can't be alone.
I can't keep seeing movies or people who are happy with someone and thinking I will never have that.

Please....
It's been 21 years of lonliness.
Please.

Please, just love me.

It's a cycle

I don't know about you guys.... But no matter what, my life alwyas turn to be a pattern over and over again.....
Now all I do is work and basically trying to find out where the cute guys are....
Pathetic, I know.
But that is a pattern I can't seem to get off....
I wish I could change my lfe.
Change me.
But why would I do that?

I need to pee...

Ok...
So this Blog has been dead for almost about a month.
And, well, that is really how my life is.

As you guys may have notice if you ever do come to this blog which I seriously doubt, I have found a job and It's KILLING me. I am not even kidding on this.

I thought i have gain my independence with this job but apparently....well....apparently not.

This job is like school.

Except in this concern, The pros are that I am getting paid for actually studying something.

But the cons...
Is being threatened everyday.
Being known of my inability to actually produce work faster and being more effecient.
And the manager looking at me straight in the eye that she feels the newcomer that is coming would be better than me and that's with lesser training.

So the cons totally outweigh the Pros.

And thats why I made a resolution today that if I am not being confirmed. Well, screw them.
All I know is I am already trying my hardest. So they can just fuck off for all I care.

Anyway, I can't wait till March!!!!
Paramore is coming. Are you guys prepared? Cause I sure as hell cannot wait to see them in real life and hear the melodic sound of Hayley;s voice.

Anyway, I got to go and pee.

Write more when I am fired.

Let me give you a little update in this new itouch, boo!!!


Went for shangri-la interview a while back and it was an interesting interview. When I walked out of the interviewing room, I could not help but felt that I did a good job in convincing the interviewee that I was a good candidate for the job. I felt totally elated and quite certain that I had the job in my pocket.
3 days pass and still I got no call so I decided that I would give them a call to check about my status and to, secretly, release my curiosity!!! Then, this is where the unexpected comes in. 
When I called, the person told me that the decision was not made yet and I should wait until next week. I Hung up the phone feelig a bit dejected.
A week passed and finally someone from shangri-la called but I didn't pick up the phone because at that point of time I was working and I could not pick up the phone. So when I saw the missed call, I kinda knew that it was from Shangri-la so I got a teeny weeny excited!!! However, once I got a hold if the person who was calling me just now, it wasn't that great of a news. 
His name is Dennis and he is one mother fu**er. He actually told me that I was offered another job called housekeeping clerk.
Now, all I can think about was the word housekeeping. I ain't going to clean up people's shit. No way in hell am I going to do that. Boo, I don't even clean my own shit. 
So I said to this mother Fu**er that I ain't doing that shit. But he said that the job is almost similar to the one I applied so I said why not. So I said I could do that almost same thing and head down to Shangri-la only to find that mother fu**er set me up for another interview and not sign those damn paper of appointment!!! 
I was pissed and disappointed that I wanted to punch his face.  And do you know how long that interview took? A whole damn 5 minutes!!! It was a waste of time and money!!!!

So. Boo, you must now be so confused. Don't you worry, I go the job I applied for in the end. 2 weeks after I interviewed, the interviewee called me and said that she tried to call me right after our interview but she couldn't reach me. She told me about how much the job actually sucks and she said to get ready for pressure. After she told me all that she asked me to come down to sign the letter of appointment. 

When I hung up the phone, I really could not believe my luck. This was my first time getting a job that I interviewed for without going to a million others. 

So there!!! The update!!! 

Lots of love, 
Shilla    

Heartbroken.

I know what it's like

To be heartbroken.

I know what it's like

To sit alone.

Holding your chest.

Hoping your heart stays in.

I know what it's like

To be not able to breath

And yet, you don't understand

Why you are still breathing.

I know what it's like

To see nothing at all

But that of darkness.

I know what it's like

To feel like there is no more tears

and how your cheeks stays wet.

I know what it's like

To feel that life has ended

and feeling confuse when the clock is still ticking.

I know.

I know you, Heartbreak.

I know.

I know you have come for me.

I know.

At that very moment when my world crashed.

I know.

I know, you will destroy me.

I know.

And yet, I'm letting you stay.

The thing I hate....

You know when you're close to someone, you just want to hurt them less? This is because you don't want to be the one who feels as if the world is crashing down; you know that is how you feel after that one argument you had with that special someone.

The thing is you plan everything with this someone and you share joy and pain together. You're happy for as long as the planning stays in place and life is good. Then, one day, this person wants to change the plan or exterminate the plan altogether. She is saying the words but all you can hear is the tearing of your heart. She beg for your understanding and because you don't want to hurt her, I mean let's face it you know deep down the plan is not going to work, you just nod your head. Sure. But, you know that it's not sincere. Even she could tell it.

Then your world spiral to a crash.

This is the thing I hate.

The NEW MOON poster is up!

OK!!! The new moon posters are up in the DHOBY GHAUT transition pillars!!! I went crazy taking picture and ended up arriving late to work...

But, it was sooo worth it!!!

Check out the photos!

Haha.... was being a bit cheeky....Just wanted to be with Edward ALONE. Sorry, Bella.

Shirin is part of the WOLF PACK! Don't piss her off now, Shilla.

Not a big JACOB fan....didn't need to be so pretty.

Love this poster the MOST! Just take a look at EDWARD'S hand on BELLA'S back! INTENSE!

There you go...NOW DROOL!

For the record....I was not the one who spotted it....Shirin was. God, felt so guilty and useless when I realise this. But anyway, taking the photos were alot of fun! People were laughing at me but I really couldn't careless. I mean it's NEW MOON!!!

And I hope eclipse get out soon!!! I am going crazy...

Not that I wasn't already before!

YOU inspire me, CHRISTINE.

OK....

Hey y'all!

So, The title says it all.

I just came back from Christine blog...which I have to mention is full with information about Korea! And bands from Korea!

It's like an encyclopedia of Korean Bands.

I mean if you didn't know about Korean Bands, once you read Christine blog. You'll be a frigging expert!

I saw one of the video she posted...I think it's called YG...or something like that....

and dang..........

HE IS SOOOO HOT! AND REALLY COOL!

ALL IN ONE!!!

I wished he was on sale....

LOL!

but, yeah, now...I just go to Christine blog and look at him....hahah...and I LOVE LOVE LOVE....lurve...... his....dance.

It's soooo sexy.

Had an orgasm again.

Gosh, I feel like Jesse McCartney.

Oh, btw, he looks like Chucky! Like the Chucky doll! The one that kills people....

No wonder his sex appeal is so NOT Appealing to me....

Just check him out here...

Make sure YOU pause at 0:23.....

He really looks like Chucky the murderous doll!

Back to a very great topic...

Christine wrote something deep in her blog that I kinda have to read about a Gazzilion times to understand.

Yeah, I am a BIMBO...what to do.. Gosh, do I have A.D.D? I keep getting off topic!!!!

So...anyways, she said about how people hang around with people they don't like...and how...well, how everybody is doing the exact same thing...at exactly the same time and how....we're thinking the same thing about this.

I mean...we're always thinking...

Does she like me?

Or

Why is she so fucking irritating and why am I with her????

Just think about it....While you're thinking this, someone in the same group is thinking the exact same thing about you.

Depressing, right?

Or was it just confusing for you guys?

I am not good at explaining....but...you should read Christine blog....She explains way better.

I was just inspired to write that we always hope that people would think we're good people. or we're nice people. Ok, maybe there are some exception...some people just really don't care at all. But for people to like me...it kind of means something to me. I don't want to think that people are actually bitching about me...but that, obviously, can't be help...I mean I bitch about people...around me... (run and slit own throat)....

It's just amaze me...that somebody else feel the same way too...

Christine tells it like it is...and her blogs make you face you....the pretty you and the ugly you...and make you embrace them both...

Her blogs and her words really inspire me...

So much that I had to write a blog...which probably won't make sense....LOL.

So I suggest you guys go read her blog..

She should have a name for her blog.....something called...

Face you....Face the real you.

OK peace out.

LOTS OF LOVE,

Shilla....

oh!!!

PS...

New moon tv spots are out...go check it out...I find the protecting her version was kinda lame...what is with the guy who narratored it?

Here is where I am.

So...

Here I am. Not doing anything. I have not been thinking about what I should do.

I think what I am doing right now is call "taking a break".

Or lets just say I am not doing anything at all.

And, let me tell you, It feel soooooo good.

Not having to worry and not having that much of a responsibility.

It feels so damn good.

Almost like an orgasm.

Except for the fact I do not know how an orgasm feels like because I am freakishly repressed by my morals and religious belief to even touch myself.

Anyways, back to the topic, Yes...it really feels really good.

I know this wouldn't last but I am going to enjoy it while I can.

I have canceled my trip to Bali but that just mean I am going to be loaded soon and I would so happy again.

I decided not to go Bali because, well, I am scared New Moon would not be premiering in Bali and I might go there with my main reason of being there thrown to the rubbish bin and instead of me being so happy, I'll just be so miserable.

But, I think the plan might still be on.

I don't know.

I just know that...well, I am not so worried.

Whatever happens, Happens, right?

Also, I have gotten into reading a new series called Evernight.

It's by Claudia Gray and I think I love it.

And it's a freaking series.

And....it's about Vampires. ( I know some of you are smirking right now.)

I love it....I seriously do because this time, it's not about being in love (ok, maybe a little romance between the main character, Bianca and Lucas) it's about staying together no matter how different you are between each other. It's a gr8 book.

I am done with the first part of the series (and I didn't spent a single cent, it was a library book)

and I am dying to go on this adventure again only now...well, I have to own the book!!!!

I hate it when I am obsessed.

Anyway I would like to leave a Quote from Elbert Einstien. ( I hope I spelt his name right!)

"God did not create Evil. Evil happened when Men has lost the faith in God's Love."

Amazing, right? And he's a scientist!!! A freaking great one at that!

LIFE....a mess as yesterday.

So...the good news is...I am not so emotional today. So I can see thing straight.

There is the bad news though.

I am definitely still so screwed and I have been doing alot of thinking.

I tried to go back to the stage where I screw everything over. And I think I know where exactly.

It's O levels.

I didn't really do well with it and I only got 3 credits...so it's not really worth it.

So maybe, I might want to take O levels again.

MIGHT.

I dunno if I will go ahead with it.

I have to think some more...

In the darkest moment in my life.

I have some very bad news.

I don't think this feeling of lonliness or the confusion is a phase.

This is the most horrible moment of my life.

Home is not home anymore.

My dad has become a supporter of my mom.

I want to be alone and die.

Sleep Deprivation.

When "THEY" say that sleep deprivation is bad for us, they're lying.

They tell us this so we won't ever see the truth.

The truth is, Sleep deprivation open up our eyes to see our life in the truest way possible.

I just got my dose of it today.

I am crossing my finger and praying to God Almighty that what I am seeing now...is not the future that was meant to be for me.

My future is bleak.

It's so unclear.

And this scares the hell out of me.

I am really very very scared and frightened.

I do not want to embrace this bleak future because it's not enough for me.

This blog has been about my ups and downs. Usually, my past post would have an element of funniness (is that even a word?) and I usually laugh my black moods away.

Today, it's so different.

I realize that I have been screwing up my life and been denying that I have been doing this.

The thing is, I drop out of NAFA and I thought it wouldn't affect me. But, just like before, when I fail....I can't help but feel like a loser.

I told my dad that I can't do it anymore and I SAW THE HESITATION IN HIS EYES....and I shut up. We never discussed this again.

I am an adult now. I am my own responsibility.

This revelation....scares me and make me feel alone. Like...HELLO BIG BAD WORLD, you know?

I have tried so hard to be the best and I never even made it to the good section let alone the best. There was always someone who was better than me and I was just trying too hard and not seeing the facts. I am reading between the lines of nothing and I am not actually deciphering anything. I am blind as a bat.

All my life, I have been scoffing at those who didn't know what they were suppose to do.

When I hear, "I am working. My highest education level is an N level Certificate."

I, then, would think...."you will never survive here with such a cert. I am never going to be like that. I will be in UNI. I will be something. I will get my parents a big bangalow and live happily."

And now?

I am one of "those" that I so often scoff at.

This is just great.

My friends ( the best in the world) would never agree to this....But I am a BAD PERSON. I don't deserve anything and....I am just going to make everyone disappointed in me. Again and again and again....it will never stop.

Sleep depirvation made me see how....screwed up I am. I have no real CERT and I have nothing to offer. I am just a normal average girl who is slipping in the grip of life.

Isabella asked me "What are you going to do?"

And I keep saying (crying on the phone) " I don't know. I don't know."

Usually, I hear that from someone else...now it's from my own mouth.

But.....

I have The best friends in the world.

I love you....so much...that I would not have survive anything....if you were not by my side.

Thanks for not giving advice because that the LAST thing that I wanted.

Thanks for understanding...

And thanks....for saying "don't Cry..."

I would try to immerse myself to thinking of what is going to happen.

I would sleep first...Just in case "THEY" were right.

Today was a panic day.

Today was the day I found out....

I am so screwed.....