Sleep Deprivation.

When "THEY" say that sleep deprivation is bad for us, they're lying.

They tell us this so we won't ever see the truth.

The truth is, Sleep deprivation open up our eyes to see our life in the truest way possible.

I just got my dose of it today.

I am crossing my finger and praying to God Almighty that what I am seeing now...is not the future that was meant to be for me.

My future is bleak.

It's so unclear.

And this scares the hell out of me.

I am really very very scared and frightened.

I do not want to embrace this bleak future because it's not enough for me.

This blog has been about my ups and downs. Usually, my past post would have an element of funniness (is that even a word?) and I usually laugh my black moods away.

Today, it's so different.

I realize that I have been screwing up my life and been denying that I have been doing this.

The thing is, I drop out of NAFA and I thought it wouldn't affect me. But, just like before, when I fail....I can't help but feel like a loser.

I told my dad that I can't do it anymore and I SAW THE HESITATION IN HIS EYES....and I shut up. We never discussed this again.

I am an adult now. I am my own responsibility.

This revelation....scares me and make me feel alone. Like...HELLO BIG BAD WORLD, you know?

I have tried so hard to be the best and I never even made it to the good section let alone the best. There was always someone who was better than me and I was just trying too hard and not seeing the facts. I am reading between the lines of nothing and I am not actually deciphering anything. I am blind as a bat.

All my life, I have been scoffing at those who didn't know what they were suppose to do.

When I hear, "I am working. My highest education level is an N level Certificate."

I, then, would think...."you will never survive here with such a cert. I am never going to be like that. I will be in UNI. I will be something. I will get my parents a big bangalow and live happily."

And now?

I am one of "those" that I so often scoff at.

This is just great.

My friends ( the best in the world) would never agree to this....But I am a BAD PERSON. I don't deserve anything and....I am just going to make everyone disappointed in me. Again and again and again....it will never stop.

Sleep depirvation made me see how....screwed up I am. I have no real CERT and I have nothing to offer. I am just a normal average girl who is slipping in the grip of life.

Isabella asked me "What are you going to do?"

And I keep saying (crying on the phone) " I don't know. I don't know."

Usually, I hear that from someone else...now it's from my own mouth.

But.....

I have The best friends in the world.

I love you....so much...that I would not have survive anything....if you were not by my side.

Thanks for not giving advice because that the LAST thing that I wanted.

Thanks for understanding...

And thanks....for saying "don't Cry..."

I would try to immerse myself to thinking of what is going to happen.

I would sleep first...Just in case "THEY" were right.

Today was a panic day.

Today was the day I found out....

I am so screwed.....