Isn't that so terrifying?
I have had conversation with my colleagues who are married. The ones who have kids and the ones who WANTS kids...
That's all they want. Even those who just got married.
I don't know... but I am kind of taken aback with this notion because, well, I don't really want kids at all. It's a scary thought trying to have a family. Maybe it's because of my youthful age or my youthful thinking. I don't really adore kids but I know I can be good to them.
It's just that how do I pass on what I believe in to my child? and is what I believe even correct or just plain arrogance in this society? I don't know, I just think that having a baby is more than just wanting something cute and fun.
Babies are no fun at all. They scream for attention and you can do nothing but just give it to them. Another thing is soreness of your breast when you breast feed...
It's look very self centered after writting this down and seeing it in black and white instead of it just twirling around my head.
It's just a very fearful thing.
and also not to mention my irrational fear of giving birth.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
A Good Day
I don't know why but I am feeling so happy today. I am smiling and just having a lot of fun even though I am doing nothing at all.
I thought I blog about this moment so that my blog is all that depressing, haha.
So how is everybody doing today? I hope the sun is shining (even though it's raining.) and making you smile.
Even only if for awhile.
I thought I blog about this moment so that my blog is all that depressing, haha.
So how is everybody doing today? I hope the sun is shining (even though it's raining.) and making you smile.
Even only if for awhile.
Monday, August 12, 2013
I am easy
So why?
Why do I get attached to a person so easily? Why do I fumbled, fall, trip, blush at the small amount of attention a guy gives to me?
I miss him so much today. That 2 days that we have spent time together comes in as memories that I just can't help but think about.
Christine have told me that I attach myself to fast on people. Most of my friends/sister probably tire when I talk about him again. And again.
Is it because I don't love myself that's why I am missing him? Am I really that easy to be attracted?
I am sure he doesn't even think about it. Or about me. So why am I thinking about him... About how he bought me cupcake, about how we talked about everything in less than a few hours.
About how he turned back when I was walking towards the top machine and said "Wow, are you following me now? The date must have gone better than I thought."
It was a fantastic 2 dates although it was not lavish or anything of that sort.
I still wished we met one last time before you got scared as for the 2 times... wasn't enough for me.
I feel pity for myself. That is all this is.
Why do I get attached to a person so easily? Why do I fumbled, fall, trip, blush at the small amount of attention a guy gives to me?
I miss him so much today. That 2 days that we have spent time together comes in as memories that I just can't help but think about.
Christine have told me that I attach myself to fast on people. Most of my friends/sister probably tire when I talk about him again. And again.
Is it because I don't love myself that's why I am missing him? Am I really that easy to be attracted?
I am sure he doesn't even think about it. Or about me. So why am I thinking about him... About how he bought me cupcake, about how we talked about everything in less than a few hours.
About how he turned back when I was walking towards the top machine and said "Wow, are you following me now? The date must have gone better than I thought."
It was a fantastic 2 dates although it was not lavish or anything of that sort.
I still wished we met one last time before you got scared as for the 2 times... wasn't enough for me.
I feel pity for myself. That is all this is.
Tuesday, August 06, 2013
Mama's Boy
I have thought about this a lot lately and I use to cringe at the thought.
When someone point out that someone is a "mama's boy" I envisioned that someone who is protected by a monster of a woman who wants nobody else in his life and make choices for him and HIM being a-okay with that.
but I guess that is a very stereotypical thinking and I, somehow, realize that mama's boys might be someone I might like. Even though, my relationship with my mother is not great.
When someone point out that someone is a "mama's boy" I envisioned that someone who is protected by a monster of a woman who wants nobody else in his life and make choices for him and HIM being a-okay with that.
but I guess that is a very stereotypical thinking and I, somehow, realize that mama's boys might be someone I might like. Even though, my relationship with my mother is not great.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
Long long time now
Yo.
How is everybody doing? I hope peeps are fine and I am doing well if, you know, any of you wondered.
So today post is undecided. Let's just start.
Looks has, somehow, seem not much of a criteria for me. I fall almost easily and it's easy to play with my feelings if you knew me close enough. The problem with me is that I want to fall in love so bad that requirements are flown out the window.
If you're male, that's good enough for me.
Oh boy, wasn't that stupid? I settled for anything and wanted something out of nothing. It was like a downward spiral of just desperation and a big hole that just keep sucking me in.
Why do I my post always talk about me and falling in love... so far nothing have worked out. SO why?
To be quite honest, I don't know. Being in love is some sort of magic that we created, I suppose. Who isn't jealous looking at couples being lovey dovey? holding each other? talking to each other... etc etc.
As you all know, weight is an issue for all the guys I liked....except for that New Zealand dude that briefly dated me- he had an issue with my blog about him...I kinda miss him though.
They have a problem with it and it makes me want to lose weight cause I like them so much and if they just give me a chance, they would have known... but then I fall off the wagon and they're disgusted.
They get disgusted with my weight. My WEIGHT. MY BODY.
And whatever I had been showing from the inside, whatever my character...it's never taken into account.
I don't know how many times I've heard that whatever someone have on the outside most probably won't last at all and character is something to be cherish and known.
Are those people not there when all these were said? Or have they not hear it at all? It's just sad.
How is everybody doing? I hope peeps are fine and I am doing well if, you know, any of you wondered.
So today post is undecided. Let's just start.
Looks has, somehow, seem not much of a criteria for me. I fall almost easily and it's easy to play with my feelings if you knew me close enough. The problem with me is that I want to fall in love so bad that requirements are flown out the window.
If you're male, that's good enough for me.
Oh boy, wasn't that stupid? I settled for anything and wanted something out of nothing. It was like a downward spiral of just desperation and a big hole that just keep sucking me in.
Why do I my post always talk about me and falling in love... so far nothing have worked out. SO why?
To be quite honest, I don't know. Being in love is some sort of magic that we created, I suppose. Who isn't jealous looking at couples being lovey dovey? holding each other? talking to each other... etc etc.
As you all know, weight is an issue for all the guys I liked....except for that New Zealand dude that briefly dated me- he had an issue with my blog about him...I kinda miss him though.
They have a problem with it and it makes me want to lose weight cause I like them so much and if they just give me a chance, they would have known... but then I fall off the wagon and they're disgusted.
They get disgusted with my weight. My WEIGHT. MY BODY.
And whatever I had been showing from the inside, whatever my character...it's never taken into account.
I don't know how many times I've heard that whatever someone have on the outside most probably won't last at all and character is something to be cherish and known.
Are those people not there when all these were said? Or have they not hear it at all? It's just sad.
Monday, June 24, 2013
Friday, June 14, 2013
POEM
How long has it been?
It must have been a while.
Conversation struck in between
Never lasted and said goodbye
What did we had?
I must have confused us.
It takes a while
For me to catch my breath
While every truth descends
Slowly upon us.
It was only me
Thinking about you
It was only me
Missing us too
Yeah, My heart was on my sleeve
and I had a lot to give
But you got scared and went away
It is only me now,
Feeling this way.
It must have been a while.
Conversation struck in between
Never lasted and said goodbye
What did we had?
I must have confused us.
It takes a while
For me to catch my breath
While every truth descends
Slowly upon us.
It was only me
Thinking about you
It was only me
Missing us too
Yeah, My heart was on my sleeve
and I had a lot to give
But you got scared and went away
It is only me now,
Feeling this way.
Monday, June 10, 2013
Losing your name card
It's a wonderful day today... The morning was cool and it was raining.
Made me want to pull on my blankets and continue sleeping, but, obviously, I couldn't do that.
I have a job.
So today, I lost your name card. The one you gave to me when things was looking on the bright side.
I intended it to be a bookmark...and I was missing you...so, I thought, why not, right? You'll never know anyways.
But, whilst I was putting it in the book, I had this feeling that I'll lose it and I thought to myself, if that happens...then, well, fate is trying to show me something.
And I did lost it. Your name card.
I feel like fate is telling me not to miss you and you probably not even thinking about me and I have to see how this life can be amazing without all the guilt and pity I feel for myself.
Hope you are doing well and are not too tired from a busy work schedule. All the best.
Made me want to pull on my blankets and continue sleeping, but, obviously, I couldn't do that.
I have a job.
So today, I lost your name card. The one you gave to me when things was looking on the bright side.
I intended it to be a bookmark...and I was missing you...so, I thought, why not, right? You'll never know anyways.
But, whilst I was putting it in the book, I had this feeling that I'll lose it and I thought to myself, if that happens...then, well, fate is trying to show me something.
And I did lost it. Your name card.
I feel like fate is telling me not to miss you and you probably not even thinking about me and I have to see how this life can be amazing without all the guilt and pity I feel for myself.
Hope you are doing well and are not too tired from a busy work schedule. All the best.
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Life is just too hard.
Oh....my..... goodness.
It's been a long hard week and I am really tired. It's so hard.. that it's suffocating.
How have you been doing? Things at home are just making me so tired and things at work are not any better.
well....... At least CL mv was the bomb.
"To all my bad girls... and when I mean bad It's not bad but bad as in good." HELL yeah.
LOVE HER SO MUCH LAH.
CL is soooo cool that no other (KPOP) lady can touch her. She just exudes it, you know. Don't even have to try and its so sexy without her being slutty like *coughhyunacough*.
I can't wait! I am a Gizibae!
It's been a long hard week and I am really tired. It's so hard.. that it's suffocating.
How have you been doing? Things at home are just making me so tired and things at work are not any better.
well....... At least CL mv was the bomb.
"To all my bad girls... and when I mean bad It's not bad but bad as in good." HELL yeah.
LOVE HER SO MUCH LAH.
CL is soooo cool that no other (KPOP) lady can touch her. She just exudes it, you know. Don't even have to try and its so sexy without her being slutty like *coughhyunacough*.
I can't wait! I am a Gizibae!
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Drama
It's been a long week.
And everything is laid out here for me to see.
I can't believe that you just want this to be bigger than it is. We all know how she is, so why?
I won't apologize because I am not at fault and as you have so righteously pointed out, I have an extremely big ego.
I won't talk to you anymore due to my attitude is not changeable just like your childishness is not as well. So...here's me shrugging dirt off my shoulders.
You want to blow this out of proportion, I will help you detonate the bomb.
Well done, dad.
And everything is laid out here for me to see.
I can't believe that you just want this to be bigger than it is. We all know how she is, so why?
I won't apologize because I am not at fault and as you have so righteously pointed out, I have an extremely big ego.
I won't talk to you anymore due to my attitude is not changeable just like your childishness is not as well. So...here's me shrugging dirt off my shoulders.
You want to blow this out of proportion, I will help you detonate the bomb.
Well done, dad.
Friday, May 17, 2013
At a loss.
I am going crazy.
Naturally.
I just can't understand the unjust of it all. Life really played me well this time.
Real good.
I learnt a few things along the road.
I have to start keeping a diary, not date anyone anymore if I am not ready and just take things slow. NEVER ever invest my feelings in just 2 meetings even when I can't help it.
Date ten million guys at one time.
Naturally.
I just can't understand the unjust of it all. Life really played me well this time.
Real good.
I learnt a few things along the road.
I have to start keeping a diary, not date anyone anymore if I am not ready and just take things slow. NEVER ever invest my feelings in just 2 meetings even when I can't help it.
Date ten million guys at one time.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Maybe, I shouldn't have
Hello.
Looking back at my post here.... I was thinking, maybe I shouldn't have posted these details to you guys here. Maybe... it's too private of what I've posted here as it involves people I've met and maybe they don't want to see their private lives here.
But the thing is...
This is me, right? I mean, I guess I have to change the name as a form of respect.
Should have done that.
So hence, I've learnt... I'll change the names of the people I am blogging about as a form of respect.
Unless, you're a douche... Then, no way.
Alrighty.... Toodles!
Looking back at my post here.... I was thinking, maybe I shouldn't have posted these details to you guys here. Maybe... it's too private of what I've posted here as it involves people I've met and maybe they don't want to see their private lives here.
But the thing is...
This is me, right? I mean, I guess I have to change the name as a form of respect.
Should have done that.
So hence, I've learnt... I'll change the names of the people I am blogging about as a form of respect.
Unless, you're a douche... Then, no way.
Alrighty.... Toodles!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Well, now... The answer
OK.
Well.
I am back to being me again.
He answered me. In a way...
Well, I called him yesterday and today.. because well, I just was worried and needed to know what's going on. (he haven't been answering anything like at all...and it's not difficult to just reply a text, seriously) but he doesn't pick up.
Then I call him using my work phone and guess what?
He picked up on the third ring. Of course, I was shocked... hurt a little too, so I hung up.
Then he texted me; "Pls don't do that again during office hours."
Well then, ain't going to do anything else. He was a nice guy but his busy lifestyle and his refusal to pick up my call or just text me... probably was a ringing bell that I am far too desperate for him.
I totally get it now.
To say I am not bitter about it is a lie because, I did like him.(still do) So much that I was missing him so dearly. But life as always, decide that my feelings was just a toy that should be played.
Well played, again, life.
Anyways, I am done with all these... maybe when I am 30 and single, I'll start to panic again.
Toodles.
Well.
I am back to being me again.
He answered me. In a way...
Well, I called him yesterday and today.. because well, I just was worried and needed to know what's going on. (he haven't been answering anything like at all...and it's not difficult to just reply a text, seriously) but he doesn't pick up.
Then I call him using my work phone and guess what?
He picked up on the third ring. Of course, I was shocked... hurt a little too, so I hung up.
Then he texted me; "Pls don't do that again during office hours."
Well then, ain't going to do anything else. He was a nice guy but his busy lifestyle and his refusal to pick up my call or just text me... probably was a ringing bell that I am far too desperate for him.
I totally get it now.
To say I am not bitter about it is a lie because, I did like him.(still do) So much that I was missing him so dearly. But life as always, decide that my feelings was just a toy that should be played.
Well played, again, life.
Anyways, I am done with all these... maybe when I am 30 and single, I'll start to panic again.
Toodles.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Sigh.
Sigh.
That's the thing I have been doing the past few days.
Just sighing because it's all down hill from now.
like Jack... From Jack and Jill... like tumbling down the damn hill. Looking at my previous post, I just feel like ripping it off but I, obviously, can't. What's with the computer being solid and unbreakable unless I have a real fit.
I feel like taking it down but then again, it was me feeling genuinely happy for myself and me looking forward for something great.
He hasn't been in contact with me since last Tuesday and I am feeling a bit cheated. I KNOW I am asking too much too soon but what is it with men and me? Why can't they not.... be so hard to understand? I thought women are complicated.... well, so far, men are not that far off from being complex.
Sigh.
I do that after looking at my phone, after I watched a drama, after I drink...even now, after a paragraph.
Thing is, I know it's.... just over. I should be moving on. But then when I do, all I can think, 'but what if he text me again and I am out with another man?'
The answer came just as the question did; I would drop everything and go and meet him.
Cause I like him that much.
Why do I even? Two dates.... and I don't even know him much to be quite honest. I guess when you're alone for too long, even a bit of attention seems to be something out of the ordinary.
But still, I have come to terms that I was looking for a relationship. I was upfront about it in my profile. He knew, I suppose. Maybe not, maybe he didn't know because I know he's not looking for a relationship. I want to just know, right now, why is he doing this?
Why kiss me? Christine, kindly as she always does, said he might have felt bad for me for not contacting me sooner.
Just felt bad. No emotions attached. Just pity for me.
Sigh.
Why can't I just accept this...that he's not where I want him to be? He's not the one that I was waiting for. He's just not.
What he can be, though, is a friend. So why do I repulse that?
Because, I have just started feeling for him the moment he kissed me, the moment everything seem to be going so well.
I want to cry.
I keep giving him excuses that he's really busy and there's no way in hell that he can message me.
But as the reality settles in oh, so violently, Chirstine said to me in the most kindest way, "Even when one is busy.. it doesn't take a lot to just drop a text."
Confession, I did call him.. cause I just wanted to call him and impulse took over. He didn't picked up.
The answer is right there. Right there.
Last Saturday, I told Christine if we ever do set up a date to meet, I am going to kiss him... Now, that I am here with no buzz and some sense, I'll say No, I won't. And if he does make a move, I will....stop him cause if I don't, I might as well dig a grave for myself.
Sigh.
This is getting more dramatic than it should. I hate myself for being like this. I hate this. But yet, I refuse an answer that could possibly set me free from silly daydreams and hopeless hoping.
Sigh.
The worst part of it all... it's not his fault.
The one that holds this fault for me feeling this way...
Is me.
Sigh.....
That's the thing I have been doing the past few days.
Just sighing because it's all down hill from now.
like Jack... From Jack and Jill... like tumbling down the damn hill. Looking at my previous post, I just feel like ripping it off but I, obviously, can't. What's with the computer being solid and unbreakable unless I have a real fit.
I feel like taking it down but then again, it was me feeling genuinely happy for myself and me looking forward for something great.
He hasn't been in contact with me since last Tuesday and I am feeling a bit cheated. I KNOW I am asking too much too soon but what is it with men and me? Why can't they not.... be so hard to understand? I thought women are complicated.... well, so far, men are not that far off from being complex.
Sigh.
I do that after looking at my phone, after I watched a drama, after I drink...even now, after a paragraph.
Thing is, I know it's.... just over. I should be moving on. But then when I do, all I can think, 'but what if he text me again and I am out with another man?'
The answer came just as the question did; I would drop everything and go and meet him.
Cause I like him that much.
Why do I even? Two dates.... and I don't even know him much to be quite honest. I guess when you're alone for too long, even a bit of attention seems to be something out of the ordinary.
But still, I have come to terms that I was looking for a relationship. I was upfront about it in my profile. He knew, I suppose. Maybe not, maybe he didn't know because I know he's not looking for a relationship. I want to just know, right now, why is he doing this?
Why kiss me? Christine, kindly as she always does, said he might have felt bad for me for not contacting me sooner.
Just felt bad. No emotions attached. Just pity for me.
Sigh.
Why can't I just accept this...that he's not where I want him to be? He's not the one that I was waiting for. He's just not.
What he can be, though, is a friend. So why do I repulse that?
Because, I have just started feeling for him the moment he kissed me, the moment everything seem to be going so well.
I want to cry.
I keep giving him excuses that he's really busy and there's no way in hell that he can message me.
But as the reality settles in oh, so violently, Chirstine said to me in the most kindest way, "Even when one is busy.. it doesn't take a lot to just drop a text."
Confession, I did call him.. cause I just wanted to call him and impulse took over. He didn't picked up.
The answer is right there. Right there.
Last Saturday, I told Christine if we ever do set up a date to meet, I am going to kiss him... Now, that I am here with no buzz and some sense, I'll say No, I won't. And if he does make a move, I will....stop him cause if I don't, I might as well dig a grave for myself.
Sigh.
This is getting more dramatic than it should. I hate myself for being like this. I hate this. But yet, I refuse an answer that could possibly set me free from silly daydreams and hopeless hoping.
Sigh.
The worst part of it all... it's not his fault.
The one that holds this fault for me feeling this way...
Is me.
Sigh.....
Monday, May 06, 2013
Um... a true story
I am going to blog something happy now.
So, after Ash, I decided that creepy people can be from anywhere, online or real life. If they are creepy, then they are creepy no matter where they are from.
So, I became active at Okcupid again. I decided to massive message people. Of course, reading the profile thoroughly and if they don't have a complete profile, all I think is "wah, creep. so no."
Even the one with very attractive pictures.
And also, I updated my profile and suggested no creeps. But as you know, virtual or real, creepy people would find you.
Not that I got many replies, most of them don't. I think 'cause I wasn't their type although it confuses me sometimes..cause when I read their profile, I am sooo their type.
Anyways, the few replies I had was ok. Some just replied one word and those people who did that were branded "lazy and not worth it" and I ignore them.
One fine day, there I was bored out of my wits and realize that I have not been checking my okcupid and thought I might have a few replies. I did and even better, I had a few messages. So, I was excited and I checked some of them.
To my disappointment, I had a lot of people who messaged me and are like a few thousand kilometers away.
I must say that my profile is very very popular with Indians. I get tons of messages from them, and they're the nicest one to me but as we chat, you know they are still thousand of miles away.
So all those people not from Singapore, in my brain is branded "sorry, too far.". When I do reply them and say that it's not possible for anything, they become very weird saying things like, "You're a whore! only want handsome man! fuck you bitch."
So I was like, umm ok.
So as I scroll up, there was one new message from this western looking man and before I open, all I thought was "walau eh. Why so many overseas people? Didn't I say I want to DATE???"
Still, I open the message. And the message was about an explanation why guys prefer meeting you rather than talking on the phone. It was pretty interesting...but it kinda ticked me off due to the fact that I like talking on the phone first then meeting up cause if you don't, what if you can't get along when you meet. At least, after the phone chat, you would kinda know if you could click.
But then again, after that Puerto Rican dude, if you're not going to like what you see, awkwardness will happen.
I also noted that he said I was cute. So because of that, I replied. And I thought that was that because honestly, his message was just explaining why men prefer to meet and he kinda ended the message saying "nice to meet you." and according to the book; he's just not that into you, when a guy say that, usually it means that well.....he not into dating you.
So with that knowledge, I moved forward and beyond!
Then, a few days later, I checked the mailbox again and there he was. So he said no worries and said he liked the joke I posted on my profile and asked what do Singaporean girls looked for in a man as he just moved here a couple of weeks ago.
So this time, I went to his profile and sure enough, his location is in SG and I read his profile. So while I was reading, the things that made me smile was the fact that he stated he smile all the time. Isn't that great? Someone positive as well.
His profile was interesting too, he traveled a lot and me, the one that is contented here, thought why not, huh? Ang Moh say I am cute, sia...
So I replied him the following:
you just moved here? I bet, well, I know, most of the girls are fawning over you.
Since you're all "ang moh" and all...LOL.
Well, I don't know...I like to think I am different from the generalized term of a 'singaporean girl' hence, my hopes and dreams of a knight in shining armor is different.
I am simple. As long as he doesn't smell and is presentable when it comes to dressing, I would love to know you.
And of course, someone who can actually talk to me and not be embarrassed to be around me.
and laughs at my jokes.
Nice one, right? Hahahaha... I know, it's flirtatious. But well, it's a dating website guys.
Then he replied the following:
Haha well that has definitely not been my experience so far!
What is a "ang moh"?
Do a lot of people here smell because it is too hot all the time? hehe jk
But what about personality? I take it that this 'knight' would have to be different/interesting/unusual right?
Unfortunately I have been told by my friends many times that I have no fashion sense...
Ok test, tell me a joke (then I promise I will tell you one of mine).
Well, now he's kind of is flirting back. or not? But I thought he was so I thought...Not bad, seh.. So, I replied and NO, you guys, I won't show anymore messages between us. Privacy please. HEH. What you need to know is that I asked for his number because he's replying me almost instantly and I thought it best for us to just start texting or talking.
And he gave me his number and we started texting.
Here's the major difference between his text and messages; he replies very very slowly. That sucks. I check my phone like mad....
so, you can tell from all our conversation online, I was getting attracted. Typical of Shilla. No biggie. Then one day at work, after almost the day gone, he replied one of my message and said he was at home doing nothing and since I am at work doing nothing ( the dentist was done for the day) I asked if I could call and he said sure...and I did!
And we chatted.
And it was so fun because we didn't have any ICE between us and we just talked. So we started chatting and I asked him how he finds Singapore so far. He said, it's huge... I said it's not. Then I asked if he had already gone shopping cause I told him that expat gets rip off quite easily and told him to be careful and shop at places more heartlands instead of orchard.
Then I asked for his birthday.
His said "September".
I said "No way. Mine as well. What Year?"
He said "1988"
I said "Holy shit, me too! what date?"
He said "The 13th" and I was like "@!$@#%$^%&@#$%#$%&$% that's just 10 days before mine". He laughed and I was excited, I was thinking...wow fate sia...
Then I think we flirted a bit cause I said it's the first time I am talking to a guy from Okcupid who is older than me, and he said he usually dates girl who are older than him and then I said he should try dating younger girls. He said that he definitely would.
Then after awhile, I had to get back to work and we hung up. I didn't text him... he texted me first and said hope I didn't get in trouble cause I told him I was calling him on working hours. (if my boss finds my blog, totally screwed man.)
I reassured him that I wanted to get fired anyways and not to worry. Then we texted for a while...Until I went to the gym, he texted if I was available to meet that very weekend.
I said ok, of course! Then I got eager and was looking forward to meeting this guy because I really wanted to see him and also, I just want to get over it. I mean, he might not be interested after he sees me because, I do look better in picture and slimmer as well. So. Yeah.
I have fat insecurities issue, people.
So the day before, there was Ukiss concert but I still text him but it was slow messaging and wanted to reconfirm that we are meeting but no replies even when he did, the replies were not really answering me, if you know what I mean?
So the next day, I woke up to a text and said that he was attending to his dad's friends and have been drinking to the wee hours of the morning watching rugby. So, I tried to check with him if he still wanted to meet but I still dress up even though it might be cancelled. We were suppose to meet at 10 due to Oblivion (boring movie) was playing at 1030.
He texted me at 1015 and said if it was ok for us to meet a little later at noon. I, of course, said it was fine. I was already dress up and told my sister excitedly that it was STILL ON!
So I went and I was late as I estimated the time really badly and while I was at Boon Keng, he was already at Dhoby Ghaut, I was like "Shitttttttt"
Then when I was at Dhoby Ghaut, my heart started pumping so hard. You have to understand I have been watching catfish recently and all I could think was what if he's not who he is and and I called him and then this guy seem to be picking up and went ahead to him and thought "oh, he's local.".
But then when the dude started talking, my phone was still ringing and I turned away, embarrassed. When Mack picked up I asked him where he was and he said "I thought I am suppose to meet you at the red line and I think I am lost."
LOL, lost in Dhoby Ghaut.
So I picked him up and he is really who he says he was and my fears went away. We hugged it out and started talking straight away. No awkwardness and I asked if he wants to have lunch, as I already did. Then he said yes... And I brought him to yoshinoya.
Holy, I forgotten that he loves Japanese food and have tasted authentic Japanese food. He only mentioned this again after he bought the food. HEH.
I asked him how it was as I felt a tinge of guilt and he said "not bad" then he reached for the miso soup and I was like "@!@#$%^$&^*^& if you're going to drink that and you have tasted authentic miso soup, that will not be great."
He still drank it and said "Not bad." I probably had a weird face on cause he said "not bad means it's good." I told him he was just being nice, he nodded and we laughed.
So after lunch, we walked around PS... and I told him the original plan was for us to walk to LIDO as I wanted to show him Orchard but it was raining. He said he didn't mind abit of rain and we walked! In the rain.
Romantic sia.
And so we talked some more, the coolest part about talking to him is that he loves to slip in that he's been here and there as if it's no big deal. And there I was,"you've been there!!"
We talked about taxes as well and little of singapore history.
He said that the people who was defending Singapore was mostly made out of Aussies and Kiwis. I didn't know this and I said on behalf of Singapore, Thank you. He said, yeah sure. It was funny... you guys.
It was fun, the date. He tried to buy me stuff... he bought me cupcake and we flirted. Definitely did alot of that.
And even at the end, it seems like we didn't want to part. I didn't want to part so I said I would take the same train with him as it would bounce and there are alot of people going my way anyways... Yeah, right. I just wanted to stay a little longer.
Then, he asked me if I wanted to look around the place... Look around vivo and before that he told me he needed to cook dinner for his dad and I mention this, he said he'll call his dad and checked..after a while everything was sorted and we were going to spend more time.
It was nice but the amount of people that just keep staring at me, man, that was uncomfortable. But well, we chatted and had alot of fun!
As it went by, I wanted him to know that I appreciated his time and the date have been so much fun. So I looked him in the eye and said "I am really glad we did this. This have been so much fun." I didn't know that heart rate would quicken and I could feel my face warming up.
Then his reply set me at ease, "Yeah, it's been fun and I am glad we did this. We should do this again sometime. Maybe Tuesday?"
I was like, SCORE! Then we made a date again and set it tuesday and parted.
Hugging again.
Then, he started his job and totally replied me really really late. As you guys know, when I am attracted to someone, I tend to be a little crazy. and clingy and I replayed the date over and over and I don't know what happened but I just feel like he doesn't like me anymore, he was just playing an oscar role. We were so great together. DAMN IT.
But he did replied and told me he was busy. Very busy with work. And I was paranoid... So I started to act up and my friends (the greatest beings of the world. so great they should have been superheroes.) told me to calm my tits and said that the both of us were not obligated towards each other. I was quite sad because this was true. I wanted to be obligated to him to just date him...
BUT I ONLY MET HIM ONE TIME.
The waiting thing was driving me crazy and my friends could see I was getting crazy and told me to find other people to date and stop being such a creep and clingy.
Then last saturday, he texted me at around 8pm and asked if I wanted to hangout because he has the night available from work. And that night I just fought with the whole family cause they wanted to go to Malaysia..and not spent time as a family. So I said yeah and met up with him.
This time he was late. So we're even.
When we met, first thing I said was "YOU'RE ALIVE!!" He laughed and we went to the top garden at vivo. He bought me a drink.
A non alcoholic one, guys. RIBENA.
Then, I realized that I really missed him cause I just wanted to stay and talk to him even when there's nothing to talk about. We just kept on talking and He told me about his week and he asked what I've been doing. I told him I was stalking him on FB and everywhere else. He laughed and didn't seem to be bothered. Then he said that he was working the next day (Sunday) but would be done by 3pm and asked if I wanted to go for a drive around. Of course, I said Yes. Anything to just spent time together, right?
Then after we agreed we walked around the deck and talk some more and he even told me of one pick line. It was funny... I looked at my watch and saw the time---->10.45 pm. Clearly time to go home..
Mack: Home time?
Me: Uh....I don't want to go home. I haven't been able to talk to you lately. (abit whiney here.)
Mack: Well, we can walk around, you don't have to go home. yet.
So we did. And we found another spot to sit.. It was grassed and under a tree.
I almost broke out into a musical.
But I didn't.
So we sat and he told me about his friend who is in love with this japanese girl but he thinks that the girl have already friendzone him. His friend wanted to reveal his feelings to her but Mack said that in the Japanese culture, the guy shouldn't do that. It will kinda show that he was weak. Mack also suggested if nothing was going to happen, he told his friend to just move on as he's already friendzone.
Me: Well, before he does that, tell him that I say to screw with the culture difference and just tell her how he feels to her.
Mack: You reckon he should?
Me: Yeah. A girls a girl. We won't say anything. All you guys have to do is make the first move. So just tell him to tell her.
Then... We talk abit and the his hand kind of caressed my head and he said...
Mack: I am sorry but I just wanted to do this.
THEN HE KISSED ME. ON THE CHEEK.
I was caught so of guard and just stared ahead and I could feel my face breaking into a smile(like exactly this moment while typing)
Me: whhhhhhhhaaaaaattttttttt?
Mack: I know. I wanted to do that. I just needed a way in.
Hahahaha... We talked after that.
For the first time, I know for sure that this dude like me as well and was just as attracted to me too. So I am totally calm afterwards. We were on the same page. It feels good, honestly.
He is very bad at texting and we missed our date on sunday due to he was held up in malaysia and just got back to singapore this morning. He said he'll explain later as he was too tired and slept.
I feel good, guys, I am not constantly checking my phone and I am not waiting because I KNOW he likes me and he's just busy. So if we meet again, we meet again and have more fun.
Maybe even a kiss. A real one.
Thanks for reading.
Truly,
A really happy me.
So, after Ash, I decided that creepy people can be from anywhere, online or real life. If they are creepy, then they are creepy no matter where they are from.
So, I became active at Okcupid again. I decided to massive message people. Of course, reading the profile thoroughly and if they don't have a complete profile, all I think is "wah, creep. so no."
Even the one with very attractive pictures.
And also, I updated my profile and suggested no creeps. But as you know, virtual or real, creepy people would find you.
Not that I got many replies, most of them don't. I think 'cause I wasn't their type although it confuses me sometimes..cause when I read their profile, I am sooo their type.
Anyways, the few replies I had was ok. Some just replied one word and those people who did that were branded "lazy and not worth it" and I ignore them.
One fine day, there I was bored out of my wits and realize that I have not been checking my okcupid and thought I might have a few replies. I did and even better, I had a few messages. So, I was excited and I checked some of them.
To my disappointment, I had a lot of people who messaged me and are like a few thousand kilometers away.
I must say that my profile is very very popular with Indians. I get tons of messages from them, and they're the nicest one to me but as we chat, you know they are still thousand of miles away.
So all those people not from Singapore, in my brain is branded "sorry, too far.". When I do reply them and say that it's not possible for anything, they become very weird saying things like, "You're a whore! only want handsome man! fuck you bitch."
So I was like, umm ok.
So as I scroll up, there was one new message from this western looking man and before I open, all I thought was "walau eh. Why so many overseas people? Didn't I say I want to DATE???"
Still, I open the message. And the message was about an explanation why guys prefer meeting you rather than talking on the phone. It was pretty interesting...but it kinda ticked me off due to the fact that I like talking on the phone first then meeting up cause if you don't, what if you can't get along when you meet. At least, after the phone chat, you would kinda know if you could click.
But then again, after that Puerto Rican dude, if you're not going to like what you see, awkwardness will happen.
I also noted that he said I was cute. So because of that, I replied. And I thought that was that because honestly, his message was just explaining why men prefer to meet and he kinda ended the message saying "nice to meet you." and according to the book; he's just not that into you, when a guy say that, usually it means that well.....he not into dating you.
So with that knowledge, I moved forward and beyond!
Then, a few days later, I checked the mailbox again and there he was. So he said no worries and said he liked the joke I posted on my profile and asked what do Singaporean girls looked for in a man as he just moved here a couple of weeks ago.
So this time, I went to his profile and sure enough, his location is in SG and I read his profile. So while I was reading, the things that made me smile was the fact that he stated he smile all the time. Isn't that great? Someone positive as well.
His profile was interesting too, he traveled a lot and me, the one that is contented here, thought why not, huh? Ang Moh say I am cute, sia...
So I replied him the following:
you just moved here? I bet, well, I know, most of the girls are fawning over you.
Since you're all "ang moh" and all...LOL.
Well, I don't know...I like to think I am different from the generalized term of a 'singaporean girl' hence, my hopes and dreams of a knight in shining armor is different.
I am simple. As long as he doesn't smell and is presentable when it comes to dressing, I would love to know you.
And of course, someone who can actually talk to me and not be embarrassed to be around me.
and laughs at my jokes.
Nice one, right? Hahahaha... I know, it's flirtatious. But well, it's a dating website guys.
Then he replied the following:
Haha well that has definitely not been my experience so far!
What is a "ang moh"?
Do a lot of people here smell because it is too hot all the time? hehe jk
But what about personality? I take it that this 'knight' would have to be different/interesting/unusual right?
Unfortunately I have been told by my friends many times that I have no fashion sense...
Ok test, tell me a joke (then I promise I will tell you one of mine).
Well, now he's kind of is flirting back. or not? But I thought he was so I thought...Not bad, seh.. So, I replied and NO, you guys, I won't show anymore messages between us. Privacy please. HEH. What you need to know is that I asked for his number because he's replying me almost instantly and I thought it best for us to just start texting or talking.
And he gave me his number and we started texting.
Here's the major difference between his text and messages; he replies very very slowly. That sucks. I check my phone like mad....
so, you can tell from all our conversation online, I was getting attracted. Typical of Shilla. No biggie. Then one day at work, after almost the day gone, he replied one of my message and said he was at home doing nothing and since I am at work doing nothing ( the dentist was done for the day) I asked if I could call and he said sure...and I did!
And we chatted.
And it was so fun because we didn't have any ICE between us and we just talked. So we started chatting and I asked him how he finds Singapore so far. He said, it's huge... I said it's not. Then I asked if he had already gone shopping cause I told him that expat gets rip off quite easily and told him to be careful and shop at places more heartlands instead of orchard.
Then I asked for his birthday.
His said "September".
I said "No way. Mine as well. What Year?"
He said "1988"
I said "Holy shit, me too! what date?"
He said "The 13th" and I was like "@!$@#%$^%&@#$%#$%&$% that's just 10 days before mine". He laughed and I was excited, I was thinking...wow fate sia...
Then I think we flirted a bit cause I said it's the first time I am talking to a guy from Okcupid who is older than me, and he said he usually dates girl who are older than him and then I said he should try dating younger girls. He said that he definitely would.
Then after awhile, I had to get back to work and we hung up. I didn't text him... he texted me first and said hope I didn't get in trouble cause I told him I was calling him on working hours. (if my boss finds my blog, totally screwed man.)
I reassured him that I wanted to get fired anyways and not to worry. Then we texted for a while...Until I went to the gym, he texted if I was available to meet that very weekend.
I said ok, of course! Then I got eager and was looking forward to meeting this guy because I really wanted to see him and also, I just want to get over it. I mean, he might not be interested after he sees me because, I do look better in picture and slimmer as well. So. Yeah.
I have fat insecurities issue, people.
So the day before, there was Ukiss concert but I still text him but it was slow messaging and wanted to reconfirm that we are meeting but no replies even when he did, the replies were not really answering me, if you know what I mean?
So the next day, I woke up to a text and said that he was attending to his dad's friends and have been drinking to the wee hours of the morning watching rugby. So, I tried to check with him if he still wanted to meet but I still dress up even though it might be cancelled. We were suppose to meet at 10 due to Oblivion (boring movie) was playing at 1030.
He texted me at 1015 and said if it was ok for us to meet a little later at noon. I, of course, said it was fine. I was already dress up and told my sister excitedly that it was STILL ON!
So I went and I was late as I estimated the time really badly and while I was at Boon Keng, he was already at Dhoby Ghaut, I was like "Shitttttttt"
Then when I was at Dhoby Ghaut, my heart started pumping so hard. You have to understand I have been watching catfish recently and all I could think was what if he's not who he is and and I called him and then this guy seem to be picking up and went ahead to him and thought "oh, he's local.".
But then when the dude started talking, my phone was still ringing and I turned away, embarrassed. When Mack picked up I asked him where he was and he said "I thought I am suppose to meet you at the red line and I think I am lost."
LOL, lost in Dhoby Ghaut.
So I picked him up and he is really who he says he was and my fears went away. We hugged it out and started talking straight away. No awkwardness and I asked if he wants to have lunch, as I already did. Then he said yes... And I brought him to yoshinoya.
Holy, I forgotten that he loves Japanese food and have tasted authentic Japanese food. He only mentioned this again after he bought the food. HEH.
I asked him how it was as I felt a tinge of guilt and he said "not bad" then he reached for the miso soup and I was like "@!@#$%^$&^*^& if you're going to drink that and you have tasted authentic miso soup, that will not be great."
He still drank it and said "Not bad." I probably had a weird face on cause he said "not bad means it's good." I told him he was just being nice, he nodded and we laughed.
So after lunch, we walked around PS... and I told him the original plan was for us to walk to LIDO as I wanted to show him Orchard but it was raining. He said he didn't mind abit of rain and we walked! In the rain.
Romantic sia.
And so we talked some more, the coolest part about talking to him is that he loves to slip in that he's been here and there as if it's no big deal. And there I was,"you've been there!!"
We talked about taxes as well and little of singapore history.
He said that the people who was defending Singapore was mostly made out of Aussies and Kiwis. I didn't know this and I said on behalf of Singapore, Thank you. He said, yeah sure. It was funny... you guys.
It was fun, the date. He tried to buy me stuff... he bought me cupcake and we flirted. Definitely did alot of that.
And even at the end, it seems like we didn't want to part. I didn't want to part so I said I would take the same train with him as it would bounce and there are alot of people going my way anyways... Yeah, right. I just wanted to stay a little longer.
Then, he asked me if I wanted to look around the place... Look around vivo and before that he told me he needed to cook dinner for his dad and I mention this, he said he'll call his dad and checked..after a while everything was sorted and we were going to spend more time.
It was nice but the amount of people that just keep staring at me, man, that was uncomfortable. But well, we chatted and had alot of fun!
As it went by, I wanted him to know that I appreciated his time and the date have been so much fun. So I looked him in the eye and said "I am really glad we did this. This have been so much fun." I didn't know that heart rate would quicken and I could feel my face warming up.
Then his reply set me at ease, "Yeah, it's been fun and I am glad we did this. We should do this again sometime. Maybe Tuesday?"
I was like, SCORE! Then we made a date again and set it tuesday and parted.
Hugging again.
Then, he started his job and totally replied me really really late. As you guys know, when I am attracted to someone, I tend to be a little crazy. and clingy and I replayed the date over and over and I don't know what happened but I just feel like he doesn't like me anymore, he was just playing an oscar role. We were so great together. DAMN IT.
But he did replied and told me he was busy. Very busy with work. And I was paranoid... So I started to act up and my friends (the greatest beings of the world. so great they should have been superheroes.) told me to calm my tits and said that the both of us were not obligated towards each other. I was quite sad because this was true. I wanted to be obligated to him to just date him...
BUT I ONLY MET HIM ONE TIME.
The waiting thing was driving me crazy and my friends could see I was getting crazy and told me to find other people to date and stop being such a creep and clingy.
Then last saturday, he texted me at around 8pm and asked if I wanted to hangout because he has the night available from work. And that night I just fought with the whole family cause they wanted to go to Malaysia..and not spent time as a family. So I said yeah and met up with him.
This time he was late. So we're even.
When we met, first thing I said was "YOU'RE ALIVE!!" He laughed and we went to the top garden at vivo. He bought me a drink.
A non alcoholic one, guys. RIBENA.
Then, I realized that I really missed him cause I just wanted to stay and talk to him even when there's nothing to talk about. We just kept on talking and He told me about his week and he asked what I've been doing. I told him I was stalking him on FB and everywhere else. He laughed and didn't seem to be bothered. Then he said that he was working the next day (Sunday) but would be done by 3pm and asked if I wanted to go for a drive around. Of course, I said Yes. Anything to just spent time together, right?
Then after we agreed we walked around the deck and talk some more and he even told me of one pick line. It was funny... I looked at my watch and saw the time---->10.45 pm. Clearly time to go home..
Mack: Home time?
Me: Uh....I don't want to go home. I haven't been able to talk to you lately. (abit whiney here.)
Mack: Well, we can walk around, you don't have to go home. yet.
So we did. And we found another spot to sit.. It was grassed and under a tree.
I almost broke out into a musical.
But I didn't.
So we sat and he told me about his friend who is in love with this japanese girl but he thinks that the girl have already friendzone him. His friend wanted to reveal his feelings to her but Mack said that in the Japanese culture, the guy shouldn't do that. It will kinda show that he was weak. Mack also suggested if nothing was going to happen, he told his friend to just move on as he's already friendzone.
Me: Well, before he does that, tell him that I say to screw with the culture difference and just tell her how he feels to her.
Mack: You reckon he should?
Me: Yeah. A girls a girl. We won't say anything. All you guys have to do is make the first move. So just tell him to tell her.
Then... We talk abit and the his hand kind of caressed my head and he said...
Mack: I am sorry but I just wanted to do this.
THEN HE KISSED ME. ON THE CHEEK.
I was caught so of guard and just stared ahead and I could feel my face breaking into a smile(like exactly this moment while typing)
Me: whhhhhhhhaaaaaattttttttt?
Mack: I know. I wanted to do that. I just needed a way in.
Hahahaha... We talked after that.
For the first time, I know for sure that this dude like me as well and was just as attracted to me too. So I am totally calm afterwards. We were on the same page. It feels good, honestly.
He is very bad at texting and we missed our date on sunday due to he was held up in malaysia and just got back to singapore this morning. He said he'll explain later as he was too tired and slept.
I feel good, guys, I am not constantly checking my phone and I am not waiting because I KNOW he likes me and he's just busy. So if we meet again, we meet again and have more fun.
Maybe even a kiss. A real one.
Thanks for reading.
Truly,
A really happy me.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
I haven’t blog in a while as to me having a life.
And when I meant life, it just meant that I was living like
a zombie.
As in.
Wake up. Bathe. Work. Gym. Home. Sleep
Then the routine just continue again and again.
Ok, it’s not like a zombie. Zombies have awesome lifestyle,
who was kidding?
I have been reading again. It feels good holding a book in
my hand, being immersed in a world so different from. So exciting from
mine. So much more tedious than mine.
I just read the ‘Beautiful Creatures’ series or it is also
known as the ‘Caster Chronicles’. The book was nice and it was good that I didn’t
read crap all the time. There’s a lot of theme to the book but I think the main
point of the book is that, you don’t have to be powerful to be the hero. To be
the one saving the day.
You could be a mortal and still be the hero.
I am glad that this is for teens/tweens as I know that is
the time when insecurities find themselves to you and just creep on your skin.
If you’re strong enough, you would eventually shake it off. If not, it might
sink into your skin deeper, scarring the beautiful person that you truly are.
Thus these kinds of book are hopefully inspiring to
teens/tweens. Life is too short to feel ugly all the time. I hope they know
this.
Besides that, I am still quite active at Okcupid.com. I am
still looking for someone to be with and although, it’s not the best way to
meet men, I am running out of choice. How do you get to know men? It’s not
easy.
Especially, when I am someone who have standards. It’s not
much but still I’ve put a bench.
NO BO
NO SMOKING
So that’s it.
Am I kidding?
I totally am.
Here’s the list of no:
NO WHINING
NO BORROWING OF MONEY
NO TAKING ADVATAGE OF ME
NO THINKING ‘SHE’S FAT, SHE’LL AGREE TO ANYTHING I TELL HER
AND MAKE HER DO’
NO BEING AN ASSHOLE
NO PAST RELATIONSHIP THAT IS STILL IN THE BACK OF MIND
So there. I think that worked out well. It’s pretty a
demanding list but if you look closely, it just sums up to one thing.
I just want a decent person. With no B.O and no smoking.
Asking too much? I don’t think so. But still, life don’t
work the way you want it to work and still you just have to take on the ride.
Damn, when did I become so wise?
Monday, February 18, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
The day I realize I matter
It's so hard these days to see that the person most important is the one that is staring back at you in the mirror.
And when you do finally see, you have already done all the things you regret.
That was what happened to me the past one month.
I am going to start off by telling you the truth.
I met a guy. I did things with him that now looking back, made me feel I have given away my dignity.
How I met this guy is the cutest thing ever. I met him at a book store (not too shabby, huh? hold on. It's not really a fairy tale) and we connected and we seem to have something to talk about.
His name is Ashraf. But do call him Ash as that is what everyone call him. So, well, all I could think of was Pokemon, gotta catch 'em all!
So days became a week and then we met again, supposedly to talk about comics, but in the end we talk about life...although now that I am here, all we talked about was him, his ex-girlfriend and his obsession with comics.
Now for those who knew me, it's very very rare that I keep mum the whole time you are with me. In fact, it doesn't happen unless I don't like you. Hence, these experience of me listening without talking... it was different.
Then, after we talked, we kissed.
I like to say that he made the first move here, I am pretty sure. I mean, it was kind of my first kiss so, most of me was feeling scared.
Then, we made out. I didn't know kissing is so addictive and I get it when people say that it's a natural process. Well, there I was getting what I wanted.
After we kissed, he got scared. Of what? Here's my guess.
He's scared that he liked a FAT girl and he doesn't like it but he liked the physical aspect of it so you know what he said after?
"I don't know what we are.... I don't know what we are.." I was a little hurt because well, seriously, you don't know WHAT WE ARE? Aren't we dating and kissing... What else can we be?
So to relieve him from any form of duty I said, "We're friends who like to kiss." I was waiting for him to say that "no....I like you....so let's be more special" but NO. All I got was a face full of relief and also a smile and he said, " Yeah! Friends who like to kiss!"
Worst after we got seperated, all he said was "Whoa, what a wild night."
No, guys, I didn't have sex with him.
So after that, I don't know what happened but we met twice and smsed a lot and I was getting tired of being friends who like to kiss/make out so I had to put my foot down.
And the first thing he said to me was, "I just wanted to be with someone who I can put my hands around. I mean , I have worked so hard on myself staying fit, it's not fair for me to date someone who don't care for herself."
This should PISS me off but I was so lonely and I see some reason in there. Somewhere. So, we came to a conclusion that I will lose weight by end of the year and then... I don't know what lah.
So, he became my dietition and told me what to eat and (it kind of did work) but seriously, my body was so shocked that I ate more than he asked me to and I lie to him that I was following the guideline to the T. I was still losing weight. Alot. 9kg in one month.
He also told me that if I was 35 KG by end of the year, he would marry me. At first, when he told me this, I could see the actress in me coming up. I kissed him with so much passion but at the back of my mind, all I can think was what was he going to marry me with? He was 22, in NS, not sure of his future.
Seriously?
And what 35kg!!!! It was so stupid, but I still kissed him because his kisses was nice and it satisfy him and I didn't want someone who seem to like me to go. So I stayed on.
Weeks turn into a month.
I was getting tired with his boring life and his whining. He whines and whines and whines about that damn ex girlfriend and the damn 5 year relationship. And also, he talks and talks about comics.
He seriously get pissed off if you smack a comic book. People, a code of warning, these kind of characters are very rare and they are easily agitated so if you do meet these kind of people, run away. Sometime, I feel like saying that it's just material stuff. It'll get burn someday or recycled.
Back to HIM, he is also very very insistent and only his ideas are correct and he never did asked anything about me. And he seem to think that I cannot walk or run.
Come on, I am FAT not IMMOBILE. And, Yes, fat people do run and walk. Hello? I chase after KPOP vans, stupid ass, and you would know this if you asked me what I liked. And when I told him this he said with utter surprise "YOU RUN?"
Such a dickhead.
He was everything I never wanted. He was the following:
WHINE-Y - god, I am telling you I don't know how many times he whined about his ex and how it was 5 years and how he sacrificed so much for her. BLA BLA BLA. I mean, I am not being insensitive here. HE TALKS ABOUT THIS ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
.LOOKS SLOPPY AND NEVER DRESS UP TO LOOK NICE - I think he just think a black shirt and his damn civil defence pants would work. He didn't even try and there I was looking nice when I met him, fats and all.
OBSSESIVE COMIC BOOK WORSHIPPER- it's scary.
RACIST- one time I was messaging him, he told me "ugh, I don't like Indians.I don't know why. It must be a racist thing." He, sure, got that right.
GAYIST (??)- While we were walking around the city (that's his idea of a date. FOC) he asked me what do I think of gay people and even before I answered he just continued; "I hate them. I can't fucking stand them." I SHOULD HAVE SLAPPED HIS FACE.
A MALAY BOY WHO DOESN'T SPEAK MALAY AND IS PROUD OF IT- This is something that I cannot stand!!!!!! It's not like he lived in a non malay speaking country. The worst was that he was so proud he couldn't converse in his own mother tongue well. What is wrong with the generation? What's so bad about being a malay person?
So, one day, while I was not hanging out with him and being depressed and instead with friends who love me for me, I kinda had an epiphany. I finally see my reflection who was crying and asking me to walk away from this toxic relationship. I realize that I didn't even prioritized myself and it was not right. I am not an insecure person and this Ash was making me insecure and doubtful about myself. Yes, weight have always been a problem but it's not something that stopped me from being me. Stopped me from being funny. And now, it should not stop me from having a good , normal and loving relationship and being with him wasn't the way.
SO I FUCKING END IT.
And he asked me to call him and we talked and I said everything.
"You didn't even try to get to know me, Ash. You just talk about your girlfriend and your 5 years relationship. Do you even know me? Do you even know my favourite song? DO YOU-"
"can you just leave?"
HE SAID THAT WHILE I WAS STILL VENTING!!! THIS MOTHER FUCKER DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR MY SIDE OF THE STORY OR THE REASON WHY I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM AND ASKED ME TO LEAVE!!!! AND ALL THE WHILE I WAS THERE HEARING HIM WHINE LIKE FUCKING PUSSY.
so I hang up the phone and was a flood of relieve came back. I was FREE.
I thought.
He messaged me a few days later. No, he called and texted me "I wanna talk". Well, the bitch in me was turned on and SHILLA was back in my life so as a diva would, I texted him " But I don't wanna."
and that was that. I took back all my stuff and return his comic books.
Comics are fine but I feel dumb down when I read it ( this is just personal feedback, y'all. so don't be sensitive.) It's hard for me to appreciate the art because well, it's art. I don't appreciate art. period. I would say it's nice but it won't like make me wanna draw. or inspire me. I don't see anything else beside that it's just cartoons.
I will just stick to novels.
So now, I am back to being me, I am never taking myself for granted again. If a guy wants to wrap his whole fucking hand around a girl waist, the he can sure just pass me by. I am worth it for someone and someone WILL accept me the way I am, fat or thin, it shouldn't matter.
Appreciate who you are now and when you're in a relationship, if you can't recognize the girl in the mirror, find her back cause she's all that you have when he leaves.
And when you do finally see, you have already done all the things you regret.
That was what happened to me the past one month.
I am going to start off by telling you the truth.
I met a guy. I did things with him that now looking back, made me feel I have given away my dignity.
How I met this guy is the cutest thing ever. I met him at a book store (not too shabby, huh? hold on. It's not really a fairy tale) and we connected and we seem to have something to talk about.
His name is Ashraf. But do call him Ash as that is what everyone call him. So, well, all I could think of was Pokemon, gotta catch 'em all!
So days became a week and then we met again, supposedly to talk about comics, but in the end we talk about life...although now that I am here, all we talked about was him, his ex-girlfriend and his obsession with comics.
Now for those who knew me, it's very very rare that I keep mum the whole time you are with me. In fact, it doesn't happen unless I don't like you. Hence, these experience of me listening without talking... it was different.
Then, after we talked, we kissed.
I like to say that he made the first move here, I am pretty sure. I mean, it was kind of my first kiss so, most of me was feeling scared.
Then, we made out. I didn't know kissing is so addictive and I get it when people say that it's a natural process. Well, there I was getting what I wanted.
After we kissed, he got scared. Of what? Here's my guess.
He's scared that he liked a FAT girl and he doesn't like it but he liked the physical aspect of it so you know what he said after?
"I don't know what we are.... I don't know what we are.." I was a little hurt because well, seriously, you don't know WHAT WE ARE? Aren't we dating and kissing... What else can we be?
So to relieve him from any form of duty I said, "We're friends who like to kiss." I was waiting for him to say that "no....I like you....so let's be more special" but NO. All I got was a face full of relief and also a smile and he said, " Yeah! Friends who like to kiss!"
Worst after we got seperated, all he said was "Whoa, what a wild night."
No, guys, I didn't have sex with him.
So after that, I don't know what happened but we met twice and smsed a lot and I was getting tired of being friends who like to kiss/make out so I had to put my foot down.
And the first thing he said to me was, "I just wanted to be with someone who I can put my hands around. I mean , I have worked so hard on myself staying fit, it's not fair for me to date someone who don't care for herself."
This should PISS me off but I was so lonely and I see some reason in there. Somewhere. So, we came to a conclusion that I will lose weight by end of the year and then... I don't know what lah.
So, he became my dietition and told me what to eat and (it kind of did work) but seriously, my body was so shocked that I ate more than he asked me to and I lie to him that I was following the guideline to the T. I was still losing weight. Alot. 9kg in one month.
He also told me that if I was 35 KG by end of the year, he would marry me. At first, when he told me this, I could see the actress in me coming up. I kissed him with so much passion but at the back of my mind, all I can think was what was he going to marry me with? He was 22, in NS, not sure of his future.
Seriously?
And what 35kg!!!! It was so stupid, but I still kissed him because his kisses was nice and it satisfy him and I didn't want someone who seem to like me to go. So I stayed on.
Weeks turn into a month.
I was getting tired with his boring life and his whining. He whines and whines and whines about that damn ex girlfriend and the damn 5 year relationship. And also, he talks and talks about comics.
He seriously get pissed off if you smack a comic book. People, a code of warning, these kind of characters are very rare and they are easily agitated so if you do meet these kind of people, run away. Sometime, I feel like saying that it's just material stuff. It'll get burn someday or recycled.
Back to HIM, he is also very very insistent and only his ideas are correct and he never did asked anything about me. And he seem to think that I cannot walk or run.
Come on, I am FAT not IMMOBILE. And, Yes, fat people do run and walk. Hello? I chase after KPOP vans, stupid ass, and you would know this if you asked me what I liked. And when I told him this he said with utter surprise "YOU RUN?"
Such a dickhead.
He was everything I never wanted. He was the following:
WHINE-Y - god, I am telling you I don't know how many times he whined about his ex and how it was 5 years and how he sacrificed so much for her. BLA BLA BLA. I mean, I am not being insensitive here. HE TALKS ABOUT THIS ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
.LOOKS SLOPPY AND NEVER DRESS UP TO LOOK NICE - I think he just think a black shirt and his damn civil defence pants would work. He didn't even try and there I was looking nice when I met him, fats and all.
OBSSESIVE COMIC BOOK WORSHIPPER- it's scary.
RACIST- one time I was messaging him, he told me "ugh, I don't like Indians.I don't know why. It must be a racist thing." He, sure, got that right.
GAYIST (??)- While we were walking around the city (that's his idea of a date. FOC) he asked me what do I think of gay people and even before I answered he just continued; "I hate them. I can't fucking stand them." I SHOULD HAVE SLAPPED HIS FACE.
A MALAY BOY WHO DOESN'T SPEAK MALAY AND IS PROUD OF IT- This is something that I cannot stand!!!!!! It's not like he lived in a non malay speaking country. The worst was that he was so proud he couldn't converse in his own mother tongue well. What is wrong with the generation? What's so bad about being a malay person?
So, one day, while I was not hanging out with him and being depressed and instead with friends who love me for me, I kinda had an epiphany. I finally see my reflection who was crying and asking me to walk away from this toxic relationship. I realize that I didn't even prioritized myself and it was not right. I am not an insecure person and this Ash was making me insecure and doubtful about myself. Yes, weight have always been a problem but it's not something that stopped me from being me. Stopped me from being funny. And now, it should not stop me from having a good , normal and loving relationship and being with him wasn't the way.
SO I FUCKING END IT.
And he asked me to call him and we talked and I said everything.
"You didn't even try to get to know me, Ash. You just talk about your girlfriend and your 5 years relationship. Do you even know me? Do you even know my favourite song? DO YOU-"
"can you just leave?"
HE SAID THAT WHILE I WAS STILL VENTING!!! THIS MOTHER FUCKER DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR MY SIDE OF THE STORY OR THE REASON WHY I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM AND ASKED ME TO LEAVE!!!! AND ALL THE WHILE I WAS THERE HEARING HIM WHINE LIKE FUCKING PUSSY.
so I hang up the phone and was a flood of relieve came back. I was FREE.
I thought.
He messaged me a few days later. No, he called and texted me "I wanna talk". Well, the bitch in me was turned on and SHILLA was back in my life so as a diva would, I texted him " But I don't wanna."
and that was that. I took back all my stuff and return his comic books.
Comics are fine but I feel dumb down when I read it ( this is just personal feedback, y'all. so don't be sensitive.) It's hard for me to appreciate the art because well, it's art. I don't appreciate art. period. I would say it's nice but it won't like make me wanna draw. or inspire me. I don't see anything else beside that it's just cartoons.
I will just stick to novels.
So now, I am back to being me, I am never taking myself for granted again. If a guy wants to wrap his whole fucking hand around a girl waist, the he can sure just pass me by. I am worth it for someone and someone WILL accept me the way I am, fat or thin, it shouldn't matter.
Appreciate who you are now and when you're in a relationship, if you can't recognize the girl in the mirror, find her back cause she's all that you have when he leaves.
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