YOU inspire me, CHRISTINE.

OK....

Hey y'all!

So, The title says it all.

I just came back from Christine blog...which I have to mention is full with information about Korea! And bands from Korea!

It's like an encyclopedia of Korean Bands.

I mean if you didn't know about Korean Bands, once you read Christine blog. You'll be a frigging expert!

I saw one of the video she posted...I think it's called YG...or something like that....

and dang..........

HE IS SOOOO HOT! AND REALLY COOL!

ALL IN ONE!!!

I wished he was on sale....

LOL!

but, yeah, now...I just go to Christine blog and look at him....hahah...and I LOVE LOVE LOVE....lurve...... his....dance.

It's soooo sexy.

Had an orgasm again.

Gosh, I feel like Jesse McCartney.

Oh, btw, he looks like Chucky! Like the Chucky doll! The one that kills people....

No wonder his sex appeal is so NOT Appealing to me....

Just check him out here...

Make sure YOU pause at 0:23.....

He really looks like Chucky the murderous doll!

Back to a very great topic...

Christine wrote something deep in her blog that I kinda have to read about a Gazzilion times to understand.

Yeah, I am a BIMBO...what to do.. Gosh, do I have A.D.D? I keep getting off topic!!!!

So...anyways, she said about how people hang around with people they don't like...and how...well, how everybody is doing the exact same thing...at exactly the same time and how....we're thinking the same thing about this.

I mean...we're always thinking...

Does she like me?

Or

Why is she so fucking irritating and why am I with her????

Just think about it....While you're thinking this, someone in the same group is thinking the exact same thing about you.

Depressing, right?

Or was it just confusing for you guys?

I am not good at explaining....but...you should read Christine blog....She explains way better.

I was just inspired to write that we always hope that people would think we're good people. or we're nice people. Ok, maybe there are some exception...some people just really don't care at all. But for people to like me...it kind of means something to me. I don't want to think that people are actually bitching about me...but that, obviously, can't be help...I mean I bitch about people...around me... (run and slit own throat)....

It's just amaze me...that somebody else feel the same way too...

Christine tells it like it is...and her blogs make you face you....the pretty you and the ugly you...and make you embrace them both...

Her blogs and her words really inspire me...

So much that I had to write a blog...which probably won't make sense....LOL.

So I suggest you guys go read her blog..

She should have a name for her blog.....something called...

Face you....Face the real you.

OK peace out.

LOTS OF LOVE,

Shilla....

oh!!!

PS...

New moon tv spots are out...go check it out...I find the protecting her version was kinda lame...what is with the guy who narratored it?

Here is where I am.

So...

Here I am. Not doing anything. I have not been thinking about what I should do.

I think what I am doing right now is call "taking a break".

Or lets just say I am not doing anything at all.

And, let me tell you, It feel soooooo good.

Not having to worry and not having that much of a responsibility.

It feels so damn good.

Almost like an orgasm.

Except for the fact I do not know how an orgasm feels like because I am freakishly repressed by my morals and religious belief to even touch myself.

Anyways, back to the topic, Yes...it really feels really good.

I know this wouldn't last but I am going to enjoy it while I can.

I have canceled my trip to Bali but that just mean I am going to be loaded soon and I would so happy again.

I decided not to go Bali because, well, I am scared New Moon would not be premiering in Bali and I might go there with my main reason of being there thrown to the rubbish bin and instead of me being so happy, I'll just be so miserable.

But, I think the plan might still be on.

I don't know.

I just know that...well, I am not so worried.

Whatever happens, Happens, right?

Also, I have gotten into reading a new series called Evernight.

It's by Claudia Gray and I think I love it.

And it's a freaking series.

And....it's about Vampires. ( I know some of you are smirking right now.)

I love it....I seriously do because this time, it's not about being in love (ok, maybe a little romance between the main character, Bianca and Lucas) it's about staying together no matter how different you are between each other. It's a gr8 book.

I am done with the first part of the series (and I didn't spent a single cent, it was a library book)

and I am dying to go on this adventure again only now...well, I have to own the book!!!!

I hate it when I am obsessed.

Anyway I would like to leave a Quote from Elbert Einstien. ( I hope I spelt his name right!)

"God did not create Evil. Evil happened when Men has lost the faith in God's Love."

Amazing, right? And he's a scientist!!! A freaking great one at that!

LIFE....a mess as yesterday.

So...the good news is...I am not so emotional today. So I can see thing straight.

There is the bad news though.

I am definitely still so screwed and I have been doing alot of thinking.

I tried to go back to the stage where I screw everything over. And I think I know where exactly.

It's O levels.

I didn't really do well with it and I only got 3 credits...so it's not really worth it.

So maybe, I might want to take O levels again.

MIGHT.

I dunno if I will go ahead with it.

I have to think some more...

In the darkest moment in my life.

I have some very bad news.

I don't think this feeling of lonliness or the confusion is a phase.

This is the most horrible moment of my life.

Home is not home anymore.

My dad has become a supporter of my mom.

I want to be alone and die.

Sleep Deprivation.

When "THEY" say that sleep deprivation is bad for us, they're lying.

They tell us this so we won't ever see the truth.

The truth is, Sleep deprivation open up our eyes to see our life in the truest way possible.

I just got my dose of it today.

I am crossing my finger and praying to God Almighty that what I am seeing now...is not the future that was meant to be for me.

My future is bleak.

It's so unclear.

And this scares the hell out of me.

I am really very very scared and frightened.

I do not want to embrace this bleak future because it's not enough for me.

This blog has been about my ups and downs. Usually, my past post would have an element of funniness (is that even a word?) and I usually laugh my black moods away.

Today, it's so different.

I realize that I have been screwing up my life and been denying that I have been doing this.

The thing is, I drop out of NAFA and I thought it wouldn't affect me. But, just like before, when I fail....I can't help but feel like a loser.

I told my dad that I can't do it anymore and I SAW THE HESITATION IN HIS EYES....and I shut up. We never discussed this again.

I am an adult now. I am my own responsibility.

This revelation....scares me and make me feel alone. Like...HELLO BIG BAD WORLD, you know?

I have tried so hard to be the best and I never even made it to the good section let alone the best. There was always someone who was better than me and I was just trying too hard and not seeing the facts. I am reading between the lines of nothing and I am not actually deciphering anything. I am blind as a bat.

All my life, I have been scoffing at those who didn't know what they were suppose to do.

When I hear, "I am working. My highest education level is an N level Certificate."

I, then, would think...."you will never survive here with such a cert. I am never going to be like that. I will be in UNI. I will be something. I will get my parents a big bangalow and live happily."

And now?

I am one of "those" that I so often scoff at.

This is just great.

My friends ( the best in the world) would never agree to this....But I am a BAD PERSON. I don't deserve anything and....I am just going to make everyone disappointed in me. Again and again and again....it will never stop.

Sleep depirvation made me see how....screwed up I am. I have no real CERT and I have nothing to offer. I am just a normal average girl who is slipping in the grip of life.

Isabella asked me "What are you going to do?"

And I keep saying (crying on the phone) " I don't know. I don't know."

Usually, I hear that from someone else...now it's from my own mouth.

But.....

I have The best friends in the world.

I love you....so much...that I would not have survive anything....if you were not by my side.

Thanks for not giving advice because that the LAST thing that I wanted.

Thanks for understanding...

And thanks....for saying "don't Cry..."

I would try to immerse myself to thinking of what is going to happen.

I would sleep first...Just in case "THEY" were right.

Today was a panic day.

Today was the day I found out....

I am so screwed.....