Depressed....ain't that nothing new?

I am depressed right so please do keep in mind that after you read this, the feeling of darkness might overwhelm you.

I really feel I should start seeing a professional.

In all my life, I always known that my smile has been fake,

I am a fake.

I am not real.

I laugh and say "I am happy for you" when in fact I want to break down and say "why are you leaving me?". This is true. I feel like I am all alone here. Typing and wanting to cry.

Cry. I know if I do that, I would feel so much better,

But I don't want to cry.

Honest to god. I don't want to cry.

And it's not because I don't want to be weak.

Shamefully, I like feeling this miserable and depressed.

I enjoy it.

And it scares me that I feel this way about being miserable.

I hate myself.

I almost about 100 kg.

I need to lose weight but the more I think about it, the more things get through my pie hole.

What happened to me? I need to know when I lost myself and how I ever came to the point where nothing, absolutely nothing, matters to me anymore.

In fact, everyday, lately, I have been thinking about death. I really want to die.

Oh no...tears are welling up right now.

I think it's because I have been so detached from God for so long.
This is punishment.
This is what I deserve.

I do want to die. I cannot stand it being the unhappy one among people who are so happy. It's even horrible to know that these people who i envy with so much hatred...is my loved ones.

I am a stinking selfish bitch.

I should be hang.

I think about death almost with happiness now. I know if I die, I'll get punished and burn in hell. That's scares me.

BUT NOT SO MUCH AT THE REALIZATION OF BEING ALONE FOREVER SCARES ME.

I open my arms to death. Tell him to take me away. Bring me closer to god and let him deal with me. Burn me in hell. I just don't want to feel like this. To know that I AM GOING TO END UP ALONE.

How contradicting is my blog today? First, I said that I love feeling miserable and now I don't?
See how my mind is on the stupid meter?

Alone.

Guess, I am not those independent ladies who can stand on their own 2 feet and be happy with whatever forms of love they have.

I can't.

I want someone.

I want a man to love me. I do. I want him to say that he lives for me. He loves me.

I want that.

I can't be alone. I can't be alone.
Please don't make me one of those people who are alone.
Please.

I cannot stand the thought. I die from just thinking of it....I think i will die is I end up alone.

Heartbreak again.

Please don't make me the person with nobody to love her.
Please.

Just send me someone. Anyone will do. Please.

Please.

Just please don't make me feel so lonely all the time.

Please. I can't be alone.
I can't keep seeing movies or people who are happy with someone and thinking I will never have that.

Please....
It's been 21 years of lonliness.
Please.

Please, just love me.