DO NOT BASK IN THE GLORY OF YOUR EGO AND PRIDE.
THANKS.
Monday, February 18, 2013
Thursday, February 14, 2013
The day I realize I matter
It's so hard these days to see that the person most important is the one that is staring back at you in the mirror.
And when you do finally see, you have already done all the things you regret.
That was what happened to me the past one month.
I am going to start off by telling you the truth.
I met a guy. I did things with him that now looking back, made me feel I have given away my dignity.
How I met this guy is the cutest thing ever. I met him at a book store (not too shabby, huh? hold on. It's not really a fairy tale) and we connected and we seem to have something to talk about.
His name is Ashraf. But do call him Ash as that is what everyone call him. So, well, all I could think of was Pokemon, gotta catch 'em all!
So days became a week and then we met again, supposedly to talk about comics, but in the end we talk about life...although now that I am here, all we talked about was him, his ex-girlfriend and his obsession with comics.
Now for those who knew me, it's very very rare that I keep mum the whole time you are with me. In fact, it doesn't happen unless I don't like you. Hence, these experience of me listening without talking... it was different.
Then, after we talked, we kissed.
I like to say that he made the first move here, I am pretty sure. I mean, it was kind of my first kiss so, most of me was feeling scared.
Then, we made out. I didn't know kissing is so addictive and I get it when people say that it's a natural process. Well, there I was getting what I wanted.
After we kissed, he got scared. Of what? Here's my guess.
He's scared that he liked a FAT girl and he doesn't like it but he liked the physical aspect of it so you know what he said after?
"I don't know what we are.... I don't know what we are.." I was a little hurt because well, seriously, you don't know WHAT WE ARE? Aren't we dating and kissing... What else can we be?
So to relieve him from any form of duty I said, "We're friends who like to kiss." I was waiting for him to say that "no....I like you....so let's be more special" but NO. All I got was a face full of relief and also a smile and he said, " Yeah! Friends who like to kiss!"
Worst after we got seperated, all he said was "Whoa, what a wild night."
No, guys, I didn't have sex with him.
So after that, I don't know what happened but we met twice and smsed a lot and I was getting tired of being friends who like to kiss/make out so I had to put my foot down.
And the first thing he said to me was, "I just wanted to be with someone who I can put my hands around. I mean , I have worked so hard on myself staying fit, it's not fair for me to date someone who don't care for herself."
This should PISS me off but I was so lonely and I see some reason in there. Somewhere. So, we came to a conclusion that I will lose weight by end of the year and then... I don't know what lah.
So, he became my dietition and told me what to eat and (it kind of did work) but seriously, my body was so shocked that I ate more than he asked me to and I lie to him that I was following the guideline to the T. I was still losing weight. Alot. 9kg in one month.
He also told me that if I was 35 KG by end of the year, he would marry me. At first, when he told me this, I could see the actress in me coming up. I kissed him with so much passion but at the back of my mind, all I can think was what was he going to marry me with? He was 22, in NS, not sure of his future.
Seriously?
And what 35kg!!!! It was so stupid, but I still kissed him because his kisses was nice and it satisfy him and I didn't want someone who seem to like me to go. So I stayed on.
Weeks turn into a month.
I was getting tired with his boring life and his whining. He whines and whines and whines about that damn ex girlfriend and the damn 5 year relationship. And also, he talks and talks about comics.
He seriously get pissed off if you smack a comic book. People, a code of warning, these kind of characters are very rare and they are easily agitated so if you do meet these kind of people, run away. Sometime, I feel like saying that it's just material stuff. It'll get burn someday or recycled.
Back to HIM, he is also very very insistent and only his ideas are correct and he never did asked anything about me. And he seem to think that I cannot walk or run.
Come on, I am FAT not IMMOBILE. And, Yes, fat people do run and walk. Hello? I chase after KPOP vans, stupid ass, and you would know this if you asked me what I liked. And when I told him this he said with utter surprise "YOU RUN?"
Such a dickhead.
He was everything I never wanted. He was the following:
WHINE-Y - god, I am telling you I don't know how many times he whined about his ex and how it was 5 years and how he sacrificed so much for her. BLA BLA BLA. I mean, I am not being insensitive here. HE TALKS ABOUT THIS ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
.LOOKS SLOPPY AND NEVER DRESS UP TO LOOK NICE - I think he just think a black shirt and his damn civil defence pants would work. He didn't even try and there I was looking nice when I met him, fats and all.
OBSSESIVE COMIC BOOK WORSHIPPER- it's scary.
RACIST- one time I was messaging him, he told me "ugh, I don't like Indians.I don't know why. It must be a racist thing." He, sure, got that right.
GAYIST (??)- While we were walking around the city (that's his idea of a date. FOC) he asked me what do I think of gay people and even before I answered he just continued; "I hate them. I can't fucking stand them." I SHOULD HAVE SLAPPED HIS FACE.
A MALAY BOY WHO DOESN'T SPEAK MALAY AND IS PROUD OF IT- This is something that I cannot stand!!!!!! It's not like he lived in a non malay speaking country. The worst was that he was so proud he couldn't converse in his own mother tongue well. What is wrong with the generation? What's so bad about being a malay person?
So, one day, while I was not hanging out with him and being depressed and instead with friends who love me for me, I kinda had an epiphany. I finally see my reflection who was crying and asking me to walk away from this toxic relationship. I realize that I didn't even prioritized myself and it was not right. I am not an insecure person and this Ash was making me insecure and doubtful about myself. Yes, weight have always been a problem but it's not something that stopped me from being me. Stopped me from being funny. And now, it should not stop me from having a good , normal and loving relationship and being with him wasn't the way.
SO I FUCKING END IT.
And he asked me to call him and we talked and I said everything.
"You didn't even try to get to know me, Ash. You just talk about your girlfriend and your 5 years relationship. Do you even know me? Do you even know my favourite song? DO YOU-"
"can you just leave?"
HE SAID THAT WHILE I WAS STILL VENTING!!! THIS MOTHER FUCKER DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR MY SIDE OF THE STORY OR THE REASON WHY I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM AND ASKED ME TO LEAVE!!!! AND ALL THE WHILE I WAS THERE HEARING HIM WHINE LIKE FUCKING PUSSY.
so I hang up the phone and was a flood of relieve came back. I was FREE.
I thought.
He messaged me a few days later. No, he called and texted me "I wanna talk". Well, the bitch in me was turned on and SHILLA was back in my life so as a diva would, I texted him " But I don't wanna."
and that was that. I took back all my stuff and return his comic books.
Comics are fine but I feel dumb down when I read it ( this is just personal feedback, y'all. so don't be sensitive.) It's hard for me to appreciate the art because well, it's art. I don't appreciate art. period. I would say it's nice but it won't like make me wanna draw. or inspire me. I don't see anything else beside that it's just cartoons.
I will just stick to novels.
So now, I am back to being me, I am never taking myself for granted again. If a guy wants to wrap his whole fucking hand around a girl waist, the he can sure just pass me by. I am worth it for someone and someone WILL accept me the way I am, fat or thin, it shouldn't matter.
Appreciate who you are now and when you're in a relationship, if you can't recognize the girl in the mirror, find her back cause she's all that you have when he leaves.
And when you do finally see, you have already done all the things you regret.
That was what happened to me the past one month.
I am going to start off by telling you the truth.
I met a guy. I did things with him that now looking back, made me feel I have given away my dignity.
How I met this guy is the cutest thing ever. I met him at a book store (not too shabby, huh? hold on. It's not really a fairy tale) and we connected and we seem to have something to talk about.
His name is Ashraf. But do call him Ash as that is what everyone call him. So, well, all I could think of was Pokemon, gotta catch 'em all!
So days became a week and then we met again, supposedly to talk about comics, but in the end we talk about life...although now that I am here, all we talked about was him, his ex-girlfriend and his obsession with comics.
Now for those who knew me, it's very very rare that I keep mum the whole time you are with me. In fact, it doesn't happen unless I don't like you. Hence, these experience of me listening without talking... it was different.
Then, after we talked, we kissed.
I like to say that he made the first move here, I am pretty sure. I mean, it was kind of my first kiss so, most of me was feeling scared.
Then, we made out. I didn't know kissing is so addictive and I get it when people say that it's a natural process. Well, there I was getting what I wanted.
After we kissed, he got scared. Of what? Here's my guess.
He's scared that he liked a FAT girl and he doesn't like it but he liked the physical aspect of it so you know what he said after?
"I don't know what we are.... I don't know what we are.." I was a little hurt because well, seriously, you don't know WHAT WE ARE? Aren't we dating and kissing... What else can we be?
So to relieve him from any form of duty I said, "We're friends who like to kiss." I was waiting for him to say that "no....I like you....so let's be more special" but NO. All I got was a face full of relief and also a smile and he said, " Yeah! Friends who like to kiss!"
Worst after we got seperated, all he said was "Whoa, what a wild night."
No, guys, I didn't have sex with him.
So after that, I don't know what happened but we met twice and smsed a lot and I was getting tired of being friends who like to kiss/make out so I had to put my foot down.
And the first thing he said to me was, "I just wanted to be with someone who I can put my hands around. I mean , I have worked so hard on myself staying fit, it's not fair for me to date someone who don't care for herself."
This should PISS me off but I was so lonely and I see some reason in there. Somewhere. So, we came to a conclusion that I will lose weight by end of the year and then... I don't know what lah.
So, he became my dietition and told me what to eat and (it kind of did work) but seriously, my body was so shocked that I ate more than he asked me to and I lie to him that I was following the guideline to the T. I was still losing weight. Alot. 9kg in one month.
He also told me that if I was 35 KG by end of the year, he would marry me. At first, when he told me this, I could see the actress in me coming up. I kissed him with so much passion but at the back of my mind, all I can think was what was he going to marry me with? He was 22, in NS, not sure of his future.
Seriously?
And what 35kg!!!! It was so stupid, but I still kissed him because his kisses was nice and it satisfy him and I didn't want someone who seem to like me to go. So I stayed on.
Weeks turn into a month.
I was getting tired with his boring life and his whining. He whines and whines and whines about that damn ex girlfriend and the damn 5 year relationship. And also, he talks and talks about comics.
He seriously get pissed off if you smack a comic book. People, a code of warning, these kind of characters are very rare and they are easily agitated so if you do meet these kind of people, run away. Sometime, I feel like saying that it's just material stuff. It'll get burn someday or recycled.
Back to HIM, he is also very very insistent and only his ideas are correct and he never did asked anything about me. And he seem to think that I cannot walk or run.
Come on, I am FAT not IMMOBILE. And, Yes, fat people do run and walk. Hello? I chase after KPOP vans, stupid ass, and you would know this if you asked me what I liked. And when I told him this he said with utter surprise "YOU RUN?"
Such a dickhead.
He was everything I never wanted. He was the following:
WHINE-Y - god, I am telling you I don't know how many times he whined about his ex and how it was 5 years and how he sacrificed so much for her. BLA BLA BLA. I mean, I am not being insensitive here. HE TALKS ABOUT THIS ALL THE FUCKING TIME.
.LOOKS SLOPPY AND NEVER DRESS UP TO LOOK NICE - I think he just think a black shirt and his damn civil defence pants would work. He didn't even try and there I was looking nice when I met him, fats and all.
OBSSESIVE COMIC BOOK WORSHIPPER- it's scary.
RACIST- one time I was messaging him, he told me "ugh, I don't like Indians.I don't know why. It must be a racist thing." He, sure, got that right.
GAYIST (??)- While we were walking around the city (that's his idea of a date. FOC) he asked me what do I think of gay people and even before I answered he just continued; "I hate them. I can't fucking stand them." I SHOULD HAVE SLAPPED HIS FACE.
A MALAY BOY WHO DOESN'T SPEAK MALAY AND IS PROUD OF IT- This is something that I cannot stand!!!!!! It's not like he lived in a non malay speaking country. The worst was that he was so proud he couldn't converse in his own mother tongue well. What is wrong with the generation? What's so bad about being a malay person?
So, one day, while I was not hanging out with him and being depressed and instead with friends who love me for me, I kinda had an epiphany. I finally see my reflection who was crying and asking me to walk away from this toxic relationship. I realize that I didn't even prioritized myself and it was not right. I am not an insecure person and this Ash was making me insecure and doubtful about myself. Yes, weight have always been a problem but it's not something that stopped me from being me. Stopped me from being funny. And now, it should not stop me from having a good , normal and loving relationship and being with him wasn't the way.
SO I FUCKING END IT.
And he asked me to call him and we talked and I said everything.
"You didn't even try to get to know me, Ash. You just talk about your girlfriend and your 5 years relationship. Do you even know me? Do you even know my favourite song? DO YOU-"
"can you just leave?"
HE SAID THAT WHILE I WAS STILL VENTING!!! THIS MOTHER FUCKER DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR MY SIDE OF THE STORY OR THE REASON WHY I DON'T WANT TO BE WITH HIM AND ASKED ME TO LEAVE!!!! AND ALL THE WHILE I WAS THERE HEARING HIM WHINE LIKE FUCKING PUSSY.
so I hang up the phone and was a flood of relieve came back. I was FREE.
I thought.
He messaged me a few days later. No, he called and texted me "I wanna talk". Well, the bitch in me was turned on and SHILLA was back in my life so as a diva would, I texted him " But I don't wanna."
and that was that. I took back all my stuff and return his comic books.
Comics are fine but I feel dumb down when I read it ( this is just personal feedback, y'all. so don't be sensitive.) It's hard for me to appreciate the art because well, it's art. I don't appreciate art. period. I would say it's nice but it won't like make me wanna draw. or inspire me. I don't see anything else beside that it's just cartoons.
I will just stick to novels.
So now, I am back to being me, I am never taking myself for granted again. If a guy wants to wrap his whole fucking hand around a girl waist, the he can sure just pass me by. I am worth it for someone and someone WILL accept me the way I am, fat or thin, it shouldn't matter.
Appreciate who you are now and when you're in a relationship, if you can't recognize the girl in the mirror, find her back cause she's all that you have when he leaves.
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