Life....you suck!

Yes. You suck.

You do, like, totally!

Firstly...i just have to say, can't you be nice? Just at least put a non difficult dream in my head and be nice to me?

For example, you could have put like a normal achieving career in my head....like being a teacher, a nurse, a.....an academic career!

Argh, you're soooo annoying! Why do you make me want to be a singer. And put me in a place where talents are.....freakishly ignore to the whole entire world!

And let's not forget you made me poor and you made me the child of Parents who do not believe in the arts. Especially music.

So so so annoying.

Well, guess what? Not going to give up, you mean sickly stupid LIFE!!!!!

I will find other ways! I WILL!

Argh! (Storming out....)

its 5 am and...

It's 5 am and I decided to write something about life and the journey we all have with it.

I understand that Life can be something that is nasty and mean because I have been in a boat where Life made hope something that no one should ever lean on. It made death so much more welcoming that sometimes I would cry in tremendous pain asking why death have not came to rescue me.

But Life have been great too. The bad are numerous and uneventful but when Life decided to give back...it gives back huge.

For without the pain and trouble Life had put me through...I would not know the difference between people who use me and people who love me. I would not have friends who I treasure so dearly in my heart today if I didn't have friends who used me till no end.

I am sure that I, sometimes, come up a bit irritating. Always so optimistic about the future. Always seeing the glass half full. Even I get irritated with myself because no matter how many time life burnt my hope for sunshine, I still lean on to hope.

I believe that everybody is a star. Yes, one of those in the sky. Strong, bright...a life of it's own. Not stealing from the sun. It's not easy to make everyone see that in themselves. But I wish everyone would...because I believe I am to.

I will admit that Life do destroy me sometimes. Breaks me into a million pieces. My heart shattered. My tears creating a river. Life have tortured me....and is still torturing me. But here I am. Still standing. Still hoping. It's true, you know. What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.

The thing is, nobody told us how difficult being strong is. But Life made us realize that there is no other way. The only way to be happy is to be strong and to believe because in the middle of us believing and life destroying us...in that split second, we're happy. All those fantasies...all those dreams....in that moment we see the beautiful happenings.

So that is why I still hope and still look forward to the future (although I am not sure what I am looking forward to) because in this moment before Life comes to take it all away, I am truly happy. I might be a singer (audition) I might be great at it. Heck, I might even end up with Onew.

In this very moment.....I am happy.

No way out.

I can't breathe

It's like I am stuck

I can't see

It's just so dark

The way you're lying to me

The way you're talking to me

They way you're playing...

Playing behind me

I can't live

Without you here

I can't dream

Cause you're bringing me down

They way you're living your life

The way you're ignoring mine

They way you're saying...

I am the one in your life

My friends tell me

You're no good for me

My mother, my father

They want to rescue me

But, baby, I just can't let you go

I don't know what else to do

Coming back home,

To you, drunk on the floor

Mending it back

My broken heart shattered

into a million pieces more

I help you up, and put you to bed...

Cause, I am in love with you...

Hello there to people who read this....LOL

Do you guys realize that LOL doesn't just stand for 'Laugh out loud' anymore?

It also stand for 'Lots of Love'?

Huh, I know this cause TaeYang (the one that keeps popping out in my dreams) told me so. Why did he say this, you want to know....Well, because in my dream, he's so in love with me. ME. And I, in the dreams of mine lately, am one of those who rejects people for the heck of it.

I don't know why I keep getting dreams of someone who's madly in love with me...and I end up rejecting them...enjoying the power I have over them.

Wow. desperately needing love is driving me crazy...you know, they always start off with dreams.....

Anyways, I am not here to blog anything else except for HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HOLLOWS.

OMG! IT's the best movie of this year. It's not boring and the comedic element was just right...oh and the tension between Ron and Hermione...so so so sweet. Something that I crave for so much!

I have got to say that Emma Watson did a superb job! She does scream occasionally in the previous Harry Potter...but this time, her character was tortured by Belaxtrix, and Emma did good screaming. It made me want to jump out of my seats and save her!

There were some scenes that were missing and it seemed rush, but I WAS NOT DISAPPOINTED. It's feels right to have the movie like this.

DAVID YATES have outdone himself to stay closely by the book!

Oh man, I so badly wanna watch it again, but I don't want to watch it alone. Ha! may be I'll be Christine and Shirin out for their Birthday celebration, then.....I say everything is a surprise...then booked the Harry Potter tickets for my own benefit! LOL! (as in Laugh out loud)

Wow, this is the first time in many months that I am not talking about korean pop or SHINee... if you're not counting the intro from this blog.....

P.S....Rupert Grint looked soooo nice to look at. ok. He was HOT. I really dig him!

P.P.S I was seated with a bunch of journalist. I think they were reviewing the movie, I was so glad that one of them said, "I didn't expect this. I thought it was childish. But, it's quite the opposite. I don't think kids should watch this alone. It's good."

Or he said that somewhere along that line because I was really watching his face, trying to figure out if he's Japanese or Korean because....he was really good looking and fair...and cute....

WTH.

LOL(as in Lots of Love)

Shilla.

Today...I feel like .... Telling you something.

Today was a day that seriously made me think alot. (it happens when I meet with Isabella).... I feel like telling you guys something.

Confessing to you how lonely I feel.

Let's make this a confession.

I confess that I, Roshilla, feel super alone and sometimes I do blame God for it. At other times, I blame myself for it. There was a time I remember being surrounded by people I love and by a man/boy I truly was in love with. Now, time have pass and it seems I am stuck in a place where the roller coaster have not yet stopped. It feels like I am having some mid life crisis that I don't even know is going on.

I am becoming desperate and thoughtless. Becoming more vulnerable and becoming more greedy. I confess that the need to fall in love for me right now have become something of an obsession. I keep thinking, dreaming and fantasizing about being in love.

Maybe because I know how it feels to be in love. To be with someone who loves you is really something to look forward to if you don't have it and something to cherish if you do. The knowledge of this feeling is somewhat a curse to me. Since I know, I look forward to it with pure anticipation only to be disappointed again and again. To be crushed into a million pieces and fixing myself seem to be a routine that I go through without regret. It's crazy. But, I still do it. Maybe I am going to be sent to the mental hospital soon.

Would having a guy make a difference in my life? No. But to have a love would make a difference in my life. I don't think I would be so tortured. or feel like I am being tortured. I would admit that I think having love come back to me make me complete. I will cherish it...because it's like a crystal; so beautiful but so fragile (somebody scream cheese!)

I want it so badly. I want to fall in love. I want someone to love me back. I confess that I have said this so many times that some may say I am just saying this. But, I am so horribly lonely. So horribly desperate. I want t get out of this water trying to drown me.

I confess, with all this rejection, I might be alone forever. It's so crazy and hurtful but somehow it's something I seem to prepare myself for.

But....there's a passion of mine that keep me out of the thought of love. My passion to sing. It's the only salvation I have for the moment. It's the only thing that make me not want to think about my lonliness. In singing, I find joy....in singing, I find love.

I listen to "Quasimodo" by SHINee and it hurts so bad because unlike the character Quasimodo, I don't have anyone that I feel intensely about. I can't even cry for someone. I don't even have somebody to love in that special way. I don't even understand why I cried when I hear the song, maybe because, I once felt that way for someone.

Haiz...I confess today.

"Even if it hurts, even if you make me cry, I love you."

- Onew (Quasimodo)

Hey! SCRAP BOOK!!!!

Today, I am going to share with you guys something that is very special to me.

This is my scrap book. My new Scrap book!..

well, not really new.... it started when I was in MI.

It has alot of stuff in it.

Stuff like....Guys I am crushing on.

As per below:

I laughed my head off because there is this one sentence I wrote.

I had a crush on a Police Academy Guy in the Mass Rapid Transit (MRT)

Look at how detail I was.

I added me newest latest crush....and it's not the guy that so stupidly ask me the most stupidest question ever....

I added SHINee Onew in it!! I hope it... I hope in five years time....I still be like... "Oh yeah, Hell yeah!!!"

So Why am I posting all this? Well, like I said before, I want to share with you my scrap book. It's something I treasure...and you might want to know something about me...

Hahaha.

Who am I kidding?

I am just here to brag about the things I did today. You see, this scrap book has a lot of my obsession or something that I really love in my life.

My very first entry was about Harry Potter...then....Twilight. I would have loved to take pictures but that is not really important right now.

Since, I fell sick today due to circumstances yesterday which lead to ALOT OF TEARS AND ALOT OF CONFUSION ONLY ON MY END (to that DUDE...Thanks for the heads up for screwing my day), I decided to update my Scrap book with my latest, unshakable and most recent obsession.

SHINee.

This is the 2nd page....I totally forgot to take the First page....So...Well....ISN'T IT SO AWESOME? LIKE FREAKINGLY AWESOME!

Then, turn 'pagey' (that's how the Korean say it) You still can see my dedication for SHINee. If you want to know where I got all the pictures....

Well, 2 words.

POKER CARDS.

So what do you think? I really love it. I wrote:

I Love SHINee

In KOREAN NONETHELESS!!!

The next page is Minho.

Let me explain why I did Minho first. I just watched the athletic meeting the Idols had about 2-3 days ago.

And Minho...he was the most memorable one in SHINee...and the most amazing one, I have to say.

So he was on my mind today and it was automatic that I wrote his name first.

Ok, you caught me.

I had a dream about him.

He kinda like me in my dream.....so....he was on my mind today...

Isn't it super nice? I kept looking at it...and well, Minho is reallllllllly GOOD LOOKING.

Even with the most DORKIEST HAIRCUTS! (Talking about haircuts, Our Taemin had his hair done again!!! He looks like he came back from the past! He had his debut hair again! It's soooooo cute!)

So after I was done with Minho....I had the SHINee rush again, so I collected all (or the ones I can fit in the next 2 pages) I pasted them in the most Scarppy book way.... and here is the result.

As usual, I started to panic.....Why? It was because it was getting late....and I haven't done Onew part yet! I wanted to give Onew a 3 page dedication because he is the love of my life....Or so I think he is.

So I, quickly but with the most love, did his part.

I was really into it too. I didn't care it took more than 2 hours. I just was really happy...and it made me realize that I really love this man.

I seriously do....

And I got mushy.

I know some of you hate mushy....and I know which ones of my friends hate it...but I really can't help but pen a romantic poem for him...even though he might never read it...

But I was satisfied with the result! So here's page 1 & 2 for Onew's part.

After, I was done with Onew.....I was really really really tired. Got a really back ached cause I sat in the same position without shiftiing so much...So I decided to close the book ( or keep looking at my scarppy book artwork) and call it a night.

But I had to blog about this and since I am already on this topic....I wanna share 2 photos of Taemin I bought today at Comic Connection (Don't worry, Christine....it was just $2. LOL).

I just have to say that this boy...or man....is just really GORGEOUS.

REALLY.

HERE HAVE A PEEK.

Isn't he just adorable.....I couldn't help but bought both....I was planning to buy one. But, I couldn't! I just really had to have both!

Well, I do lack self control...so please pardon me.

Ok so that's all...

Good nite and

COMMENT!

(Yep, that's a DEMAND)

Just got to brag.

The man! This man! This boy! This guy! This male! The specific species...... I love him. He's the only one in my badge collection that have 2 badges. I can't help it. Every time I go to the store to buy all this SHINee stuff, I would buy something Onew related. And I would make sure that I have more Onew stuff... I retarded.

Hai....So nice. Being in a band... These boys are driving me crazy!! How can 5 beautiful and talented people come together? ...... You boys are the reason music is alive for me.

Look at that!!!!!!! I bought that from Comic Connection. Ok...where else? All my five boys are there. Its so nice to start collecting all this.

But It's getting in tooo deep my pocket.

But I can't help it. I just pick and pick and pick until I feel like I can't breathe anymore. Then I go to the counter.

And the man....he's knows I ate the bait! He knows toooooooo well. He will take something that is not on the shelf yet and would show me...

And I would be like..

"Yes. this one. and this one. OOOOOHhhhh...this one. Definitely."

Why am I like this? I have tooo many stuff already. I wonder if one day I can still sell this on Ebay,... When I am over them.

Or when they finally become my friends...

I wish I was normal person who goes "there goes that crazy girl who think she's supporting them by buying all these.....junk."

Ok.. No. I don't want to be that person.

I rather be crazy. But, seriously, I need to get a life...get myself out there. Maybe not now..........

Enjoy the pictures....

Lots of love,

Roshilla Lee

The Lucifer Album (1-5)

I have been trying to do a video vlog about this...but somehow, nothing seem to come out right.

It would be the lighting, the things I am saying...

Sometimes, it was just EVERYTHING.

So, I am here. Blogging about it instead.

To start off, Let's take the first track off from the album.

Up and Down.

This song has a very "Highway" feeling about it. You know that song that you want to listen to when you're driving the highway? Letting your hair down and just letting the wind into it.

It's the song that you don't want to have on if you're lost though.

It's very upbeat and you can hear our boys very harmonized in this one. (not that they're ever not harmonized)

The music is about a very complicated girl who has mood swings. Honestly, I think it is. Ok. A very pretty complicated girl that have mood swings. And this kind of girl make the day of our boys...

they're singing things like

"You're a roller coaster ride"

"This is why it's so fun."

Hopefully, this is just a song they sing because, I am not that kind of girl. I don't have "mysterious" embracing me when I walked by.

It's more "SO TYPICAL" that is pasted on my forehead.

Anyways, on to the next song. The next song is called Lucifer.

This song, as the boys have many time claim, " is urben electronic". So I can't say anything about the song genre. I really love this song.

As so many million other girls.

I feel like this song is for those crazy, inhumane, really silly fangirls.

I would admit that I am a fan of this boys...but I would NEVER stamp on someone and not CARE that someone got hurt just trying to get these boy attention.

While I was lining up for the damn Q tickets with my sister, we met very very passionate fan who comes of scary...and I think SHINee knows about this.

Lucifer is about, as our lovely Taemin put it "about a men complaining that he felt very tied down because of the woman and he is asking his woman to believe in him."

The best part of the lyrics was Jong Hyun part.

"If this is love, if you love me, don't do this to me."

I felt this line is the most.....outstanding line. Why? because I feel like I could be a really clingy girlfriend. I mean, you have to cut me some slack, don't you think? 5 years with nothing. Not even a small bleep of romance in the air.

Nothing.

So I think if I ever find someone....I would be so clingy that the person can't breath. I would like to apologise for the future (near or far). I don't mean to be so "by your side" but....I can't help it. I love you. I need the attention. So....if you don't want me to so clingy..then ask me to listen to this song...and I would totally get it. But you have to understand that I will be piss for few days.

Sorry.

So the next song on the album is called Electric Heart.

I find this song...super sexy. I mean they're singing about candy and stuff.

When I hear a song about candy or something sweet...I can't help but think it's sexual.

I mean come on...hello? Candy shop? by 50cent?

And "milkshake" by...that girl with an afro hair?

This song is similar but not so sexual I guess. They sang it in a very robotic manner. A robot with alot of melody. This song is about a girl that the boy finds so rude but yet so attractive.

"Your arrogant, conceited attitude
My heart feels like it’ll explode"

This is the song you want to sing to that girl/guy that every one wants and yet you think that you are destined to be together.

Obviously, I like this song...but once again, I am kinda jealous because this song is not at all a description of the type of girl I am.

Do guys really want girls who are conceited? Girls who play around? Girls with such a mysterious aura?

I guess so....Sucks to be me.

The next song is called A-yo.

This is an inspiring song. People who have big dreams and feel down, you guys should listen to this song!

I listen to it when I feel like trash and feel like the world would be better off without me. This song keeps me going and I think alot of people can relate to the song.

It has a RnB groove to this song. It's has a very chilled out beat to it. The melody of the songs make you want to dance even if you can't. So, this is quite a groovy song if you asked me. But you didn't.

I am just telling.

The next song is, by far, the song that showcase Jong Hyun amazing vocal talent.

This song...well...even without knowing the lyrics, you would know that its a sad song. A broken song. A song that has daunting hunted feeling.

The song basically is about a man who love a woman so much to the point of obsession that the woman can't breath? Much like Lucifer...but this time it's from the "lucifer" POV?

I don't know....the direct translation doesn't really make sense. I think I would need to learn Korean properly to understand it.

The lyrics are complicated...things like this are being said:

"Why is my broken leg standing here?"

"your lips that left me shouldn't love, don't love me, I threw you away"

"Have fun noises left me? You seem so far away."

It doesn't make sense right? I know....But I love this song so much because I think that this song is about a man who leaves a woman he loves so much for her own good? Like when Clarke Kent left Loise Lane? Or when Edward Cullen left Bella? or when Harry Potter broke up with Ginny Weasley...

And also, Jong Hyun's voice is the killer!! He's so amazing here....and it seem like he knows the confuse feeling so well, furthermore, he wrote this song. So, alot of fans are wondering who is the girl that Jong hyun left and regret doing it.

I think he just wrote it not because he experience it before. I just feel like he might have watched alot of drama when he had no schedule!!! LOL.

Ok...so that's all for now....No. 1 to 5...

I will continue the rest some other day....!!!

BYE PEEPS.

Trying to shake it off

Do you guys know the feeling of being addicted?

I know that feeling far too well.

There were:

BSB

BRITNEY SPEARS

ROMANCE NOVELS

ROMANCE MOVIES

HARRY POTTER

TWILIGHT

EDWARD CULLEN

RUPERT GRINT

and now?

K-POP.

I have been through this so many times...and usually, the feeling of being addicted dies off...it's just so different this time.

I am still so hype about it. I still feel so new to it.

It's like there so much more to explore and I want to explore it.

It has become a repition.

Something that I can't seem to shake off....

I just wish I was that normal girl. I wish I wasn't so easily influence....but, I have to ask myself. If I had never known about K-POP...Would I be happy? Would I easily smile just at the sight of those K-POP music videos?

Can I live without knowing such a wonderful soul like Onew exist?

I don't think so.

This is all apart of my life now and my goal is to be an entertainer. I want to be apart of this K-POP entertainment industry.

It's aiming high...But....I want to be apart of it. So I don't care.

BTW, I am finally going to see SHINee soon at the Korean Pop Night concert. I hope Onew doesn't see me. I just don't want him to know that I exist. Right now, I am fine with my one sided love for him. He doesn't have reciprocate.

He deserves it.

Life is not great but it's going well...I don't have anything to worry. It's just work now. I wished I hadn't signed this stupid bond. I feel so tied up.

I hvae been wondering lately....I am 22 this year and yet to have my very first kiss.

I think I am worse off than the 'cat lady'.

When would I get it? Can I not wait anymore? How much more do I have to put myself out there?

I like what Christine said in her blog..

Illusions becomes delusions.

Something that never were reality turn into something that you believe. Delusions. Such a bad description...but soooo gooood.

Do I even make sense tonight?

I am not so sure...

GD nite..

I LOVE ONEW.

To ONEW

It's seem a bit crazy
For me to love you from here.
All that I have been hearing lately,
"Shilla, you've changed", I hear fear.

I can't help but feel more
The more you sing
The more I adore

So my love may never be known to you
And somehow, I am accepting fate.
Ten million other girls feel the same way too.
And I am hook on the bait.

Sometime I feel like, how can you not know this?
All the things I am doing,
All the things I am buying,
just to be that one person
to be the one supporting your dream.

People tell me,
'You're delisional"
"You're a hopeless case."
"You're just one of those."

It hurts.
But if my love is one of those
That makes you smile.

Then all of this, all of this....

Is worthwhile.

Fantastic.

So today....

Well,

Today is the day that I will move out from this house.

Yes, after five years here...we're moving.

Not that it's sad or anything, it's just....very very tiring.

wait, make that it's very EXHAUSTING.

I really hated today......just the packing up part. Really, hate it.

I am a very very lazy person and cleaning up the house.....I hate it.

But I did pack anyways....no matter how grudgingly or whiny I was....I still packed.

Not that spoilt I guess....but a brat? Yeas. Most definitely still that. A REAL BRAT.

I am really not proud of that...but it's like a habit.

really really really hard to break.

Right now, I am not feeling anything. I am not happy (yes. Very tired and sleepy) and I am defintely not sad (I'm just not).

Watching my sister dance, I really think she is a GREAT dancer...more of freestyle but she can pick up dance from YOUTUBE. I can never do that...i just pick up well when someone teach me....so envious!

Anyway, I practice singing Please don't go by SHINee and I tried to tune myself...Christine, I hit the note right more this time! Woohoo!

She even told me that I hit the ONEW'S NOTE RIGHT!

Do you know how that made my day?

It made my day into one freaking fairytale! Gosh, just imagine, Onew asked me to sing with him!!! Wah! I think I would fly over the moon!

Not literally, of course.

I am trying to write more songs and stealing people's melody....

Any Ideas on who I should steal a melody from?

I am trying to write song for Onew...a romantic one. But, I can't find any nice sound I can steal from.....

....

Colbie Callait always sound pretty nice....should I?

Fallin' for you is nice...right? and I am not bragging, but I think I can sing her song.....

I don't know....

Oh well, I know when I know I guess!

Ok....good night now ppl! Sleep tight! close your eyes.....

For this one time.

For this one time,

I am not going to talk about you.

For this one time,

I let myself see the world as it is.

For this one time,

I would live for myself.

The world as I see it now,

Silent. Hush. Peaceful.

Lonely.

But that is alright.

I hear the murmurs of lovers.

I love you.

I need you.

I hate you.

For this one time,

I walk alone looking from the outside.

I see children holding hands with their mothers.

I feel the wind blowing in my direction.

I walked, still looking from the outside.

For this one time,

It feels horrible to ignore your existence.

To not be able to think about you,

is pure torture.

Though, you suffocate me with your love,

This 'one time' without you feels like death.

For this one time,

I understand it now.

This 'One Time' will never happen again.

For this last time...

I walking back to you.

Thinking of you.

For this last time,

I am coming back to you.

I can't help my sorry ass self.

You guys NEED to press the play button!

My Onew got molested by these bunch of girls...it was so funny.

And I am NOT jealous.

You wanna know why?

Well, because Onew didn't seem to like it...he was pretty much laughing and suprised that he was chosen to dance with them...I think he still think he's not a HOT commodity.. which is obviously not true....He was laughing and kind of embarrased...

which leads to one conclusion....

THESE KINDS OF GIRLS ARE NOT HIS TYPE OF GIRLS.

Thank god.

Anyways, as you can see...when he was pulled by the girls...he dance a bit and wanted to go to the other side to dance with the 'other' girls as well, but he was blocked and later surrounded by the girls with loooong legs.

And one of the girl pinch his cheek and he pulled away because...I don't know...but I think he was abit embarrased...

Kudos to that girl.

I would have done it tooo if I were her.

Onew so hot right now...that girls with freakishly long legs and slim body are chasing after him...

You guys would also probably see that he fell again....hahaha...his sangtae never fail to be by his side...and that is why he is so charming...'

And as usual, My SHINee men saved Onew by joining in the dance...

I love it when Onew is exposed to these kind of thing....he just....flumbles and falls...makes him...more attractive than ever.

NItes.

I am in love with you.

The morning is another wake up call.

I press the button to my alarm.

I sat up straight, look outside.

I played your song.

I played your song.

It might seem crazy.

For me to love you.

To love you voice, to love your face.

To love you.

But they don't get it.

For me to love you,

It's amazing, it's not a waste

To love you.

My friends tell me I should not let this go far.

Keep it control. Keep it low.

I am not myself if I stop.

You don't know who I am.

But I know who you are.

And that's enough.

That's enough.

It might seem crazy.

For me to love you.

But, I won't stop.

I won't stop.

They will never get it.

They don't have to.

You might not get it too.

But know that...

I am in love with you.

THANKS FOR READING....

THIS GUY IS.....should leave me now.

Everytime, I try to run away from my obsession of Onew....I just can't. I get information like

"Hey, did you see Onew? He was so adorable when he did this. He did the V at the end...so cute."

So, instead of just ignoring this remark, I go to YouTube to find it....and what I found....it made me smile....and worried.

Check this Video out...

Did you see how adorable he is at the end? This worries me...alot. It makes me like him more.......and that is bad.

I don't want to like him MORE. I have enough.

I want to STOP.

And yet, I just found out he did this...

How....can I not like him? He dropped he mic and he use all his energy to just get the mic back and he fall....his "sangtae"....I just wish he said

"I don't really like fat girls."

That would cause a nation roar....but still....that would make me hate him.....not immediately...but hate him nonetheless.

But I don't think he would ever because....he's just an amazing person. Did you know that when he was asked about his IDEAL girl, he simply answered;

"When I see her, I just have that feeling for her. When I see her, I would like her."

The perfect answer. The perfect MAN answer.

The worst....he's the type that never seem to judge and he's beautiful. When he met with the pakistani worker....coming straight from his musical(no rest at all)...and he greeted the Pakistani workers

"Assalamuailaikum."

WOW.....I was just really happy at that point of time (no need to mention that i jumped out my chair and scream!)

You see....It's not me that don't want to get over him...I just can't do it.

I have come to the conclusion...that he, in fact, deserve all this admiration I am giving....and I am giving up trying to stump my obsession into a box.

It's too hard...because he's perfect and I am in love with him.

Good nites.

Omo!

My head is chantting SIMON D!

I should have find out about him at the moment Christine talked about him.

He's soooo hot.

His voice is like from his freaking feet and it's awesome!

He can carry a tune tooooo.....SEXY!

Just needed to say this. People...check out Simon D from supreme team

YOU HEAR!!!!!

Back from a world of fabulous..

OK.

Christine have not update her blog and I am pretty sure she's still is typing.... so, you have to take it from me....

*caution: This may be overload of Du Jun cuteness overflow!

Day 1 (24th June 2010)

This was the most nerve wrecking day of my life. I was trying to get myself warmed up by going to Razia's house.

Was still nervous. Mind you, It was my very first SHOWCASE and then I was going alone. I WILL NEVER EVER GO TO A SHOWCASE alone again. It's really very very very lonely and I felt I was about to die.

When I reached Mediacorp....People was already on a queue line. I ended up at the last step of the staircase. The irony.

There was this girl in front of me and like me, she was alone. So, I strike up a conversation with her....I think it was the other way round...but all the same, we talked.

I would like to cut this side of the story cause there was a SNOB......

ANYWAY, When I was in the studio...I kinda got the best seat....well upstairs but stilllllll I could see everything. And I was the only one wearing white. I am going to go to the extend to say that I was quite a stand out in my row...cause apparently...my row is the DEAD row...so many lifeless fan.

All the better for me.

Wanna know why?

CAUSE DU JUN WAVED AT MY SIDE OF THE ROW FIRST! THEN I TOTALLY WAVED BACK AND ......DU JUN POINTED AT ME AND WAVED AGAIN.

Thanks the heaven that I was still sane.

Cause if I wasn't...I would have jump down from that upper deck thinking I could fly! I was THAT happy!

The showcase was great cause I still waved like crazy and it paid off...cause some of the Beast member started waving at my row....

Thanks to Du Jun. I love him!

When the showcase finish, I was really tired. And I forgot to peee....so much so....That when I was interviewed by CNA, I still forgot that I needed to pee....My mind was sooooooo full of BEAST...and the fact Du Jun waved at me....I know some of you would say that he was probably NOT really waving at me....but whatever, you guys weren't there....I believe what I saw...and nothing is going to change that....

It's a bit sucky that I didn't record this event....but nonetheless, I did record the FANSIGNING event!

DAY 2 ( FanSigning event)

Met Christine at about 3 pm...initially wanted to meet at about 2pm...but I WAS SO tired from yesterday and I have a cold and sore throat that I didn't sleep the whole NIGHT!

Christine was, as usual, LOOKING GOOD! We took the shuttle bus to IMM...cause we're both lazy bums. LOL! I was shouting, "we're going to see beast!!!!" And Christine got embarrassed....but she knows I LOVE HER.

Anywy when we reached....my eyes couldn't believe what the hell was happening...There was 2 QUEUE!!! Christine and I were so confused. Both line said that they were the official line.

Can you imagine our dilemma?

Anyway, since Christine had more exprience with this kind of things...She did the most SMARTEST thing.

Ask the security guard.

So when we confirmed that the line opposite was the REAL OFFICIAL OUT OF THE 2 OFFICIAL, we took our butts and line up and join the queue.

This time, I was super stoke! You could say that I was pretty much the entertainment for people around me. I manage to cheer the girls behind me. I felt so bad for them, they came at about 12 and had a queue....and in the end, found out that the queue number was a scam and ended up lining behind us.

Poor girls.

Nontheless, I was the UNNIE that cheered them up....and I had alot of fun with Christine on my side! We were super cool.....

I felt like we were like sheeps too....moving up and down to accomodate the people in front. And also to avoid people to cut queue.

When we finally was give the green light to go to the Garden thingy at IMM, We RAN LIKE OUR LIFE depended on it.

Guys, I still could run. Not bad for a fat girl....hehehe

Christine and I decided to stay back near chairs so that I can get a good shot of Beast. We, initally thought, we had the ticket and we're already there... OUR ALBUM would definitely get signed, so we weren't worried. I mean, think about it, if we were last....we could get Beast to notice us more and we won't be pressured to go faster or be pushed by the security guard.

So, my main focus was to get a clear shot of Beast. The clearest and bestest quality for FANs who didn't make it today.

I seriously did get good shots.

Du jun.....He eye-contact my camera TWICE.

TWICE PEOPLE!

I got good shots of everyone...I going to put up tomorrow. So you guys would have to wait.

BTW, Christine was really crazy beside me.....Screaming "Gi Kwang!!!!! Gi Kwang!!!!! GI KWANG!!!!"

I tried not to shout but I couldn't help it....I wanted Du Jun! Boy.....I never wanted anyone's attention that much before in my life!

So after getting really AWESOME shots, we decided to get in queue for the fansigning....

It was really slow. But both of us was confident we would get our album signed.

UNTIL

we got to the 3rd row.

The MC started saying that they were running out of time and there were only 15 minutes left. By the looks of it, our cds probably won't get signed.

My heart dropped on the floorr.....and Christine wanted to cry.

That was when....we started pushing in...and perservere and believe in a MIRICLE!

It pays to believe guys....it pays to believe!

BECAUSE WE DID GET OUR CD SIGNED!!!!!!

I REMEMBER JUMPING UP AND DOWN AS WE GOT CLOSER TO BEAST AND CHRISTINE AND I HAD OUR ARM INTERLINK...

The first member who looked at us was YO SEOP! He was soooooo cute and small and just blonde....I remembered when he turned to us....like a true blue noonas who were retarded said

"HELLO!!!!" in the most high pitched voice that Yo Seop was taken aback....but waved and smiled at us...My heart melted.

The next one was DU JUN.

You know I said earlier about perservering will pay off???

Well...so does persistent.

At this point, I really don't know what Christine was doing...all I could focus on was...Du Jun was in front of me!! He was in front of ME! So I started saying "Hello, Aniyonghaseyo, hello, aniyonghaseyo" until he looked up and SMILED!

I swear I saw stars. heheheheheheheheh

I was smiling like an idiot...and he was quite big too...Like bulk and stuff...like BOYFRIEND material.

THEN

we went to Hyung Seong, he was so pretty...I couldn't get anything out.

THEN

Dong Woon....he was blur...but I did say "hwaiting" and he smiled!

THE MOST AMAZING PART....

CHRISTINE TALKED TO GI KWANG. I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE GOT HER COURAGE FROM...BUT SHE JUST DID.

IT MADE MY DAY! CAUSE GI KWANG ACTUALLY ANSWERED HER AND HE LOOKED UP SO HE HAD TO SEE HER...AND SEE ME.....I REMEMBER WAVING AT HIM AND SMILING.....

THen....

nothing.

I didn't even see Jun Hyuong....I didn't bother....cause he was soooo damn aloof.

Today was amazing guys....this is the absolute condense version...

I promise to put the vids tmr..... AND LET U SEE DU JUN EYE CONTACT!

I hope Christine wrote her side of the story while talking to Gi Kwang....I hope she remember what she did....haahahahaha

Love you guys loads.

LOVE DU JUN.

NITES.

It's soooooo hot.

Ok first off...

it's really really hot in my room.

The fan broke down and this is the first time I am in a room....where...ther...e...is.....n...nooo.....air....

Or air that circulates around and make you feel cool enough.

I just got back reading Christine's blog...and she said someting about supreme team and how cute one guy is....

But I have not checked it out yet....cause, I am lazy to click the button that says play.

Once, again, I would just like to brag that yours truly was mention.

BTW BEAST IS HERE IN SINGAPORE!

RIGHT NOW!

LIVING AND BREATHING THE SAME AIR AS I AM!!!

But, now that I think about it....I think they're probably in their hotel room talking to each other about the Hi 5 event they had...

this is how it prob went down,

Yo Seob: I never thought being blonde was such a turn on! Did you see the number of girls that looked at me?

Ki Gwang: Are you kidding? They were looking at me.

Jun Hyung: Ani. They were looking at me.

Dong Woon: Why are we speaking english?

Hahahahaha! It might have happen like that, huh?

Ok, maybe not.

The fact that they're seriously breathing the same air as me makes me want to breath in this hot heated humid air.

Pathetic.

OMO OMO OMO!!!

Hello!

I know it's been a long time and I know that....people are dying to read my blog....But here it is!

Ok....to start off....

I HAVE GOTTEN ALL SHINEE CD THERE IS!!!

Isn't that just great? Thanks to my friend.....MEI PONG SHI! Love you till loads!

Now...I don't have to feel guilty about having more Big Bang songs in my Itouch. I love it....Hehehehe...

She told me about the SM shop in MYUNG DONG.....Omg! When she told me, I felt my heart beating to death. The prices she had said...My head just cannot comprehend.

YOU GUYS!!! I have been sooooo ripped of by COMIC CONNECTIONS.

She bought me a sticker that has only Onew in it....from the Ring Ding Dong period and I got almost a similar sticker except that it was all MY MEN from SHINee.

And she got it for 5000 won...which is more or less $5!

I bought it for $29.90.

I realize how stupid I have been....So from now on, It's all about saving for the trip to Korea.

I am not buying anything from Singapore anymore. Nothing. Zilch. Nada.

Hmm....how do one say "zero" in Korean? Hmmm....great, I have been studying the language and yet...still as blur.

Anyways, getting back to the story, I was so happy that I totally ignore my teacher........hehehehe...

And I am going to that damn photo booth where you can take picture with SHINee as the back ground!

Shilla!!!!!! Hwaiting!!

I just finish reading Christine's blog and I am so jealous. Her blog are so deep and interesting and it's great that she can express everything in words. She's a great writer...check her blog.

She's Ah-ma-zing!

I am going to sleep now...My sister kinda spoil my happy mood.

Nites people.

To lose it all

It feels so weird to realize I lost everything in one time.

Starting a fresh. What a lie.

I think this time I might go to real depression.

Reality slapped me yesterday.

I fell.

This is just awesome.

I wished I worked today.

That would have kept me busy.

Hafizah

Lately....

I realise that I have been neglecting you.

Forgetting about you.

Ignoring you.

But..... I love you, still.

As my sister and my best friend.

If you ask me if I miss you.... I do.

All the talks...all the fights....and all the laughter just between us and no one else....

I don't answer any of your msgs....because I can't....

And I rarely call you because I prefer to see you and talk.

Hafizah, you are my best friend. And I love you.

The way you were, the way you are and the way you're going to be.....

I am still here.

When you need me.

If you need me.

Call me.

MY house phone btw....

62855933..... I am at home at 10.....pm.....

Love you always.

Shilla.

To my modest Chin Gu Ga, Christine Shi

Aniyoonghaseyo,

Christine shi, guen chan ha yo?

I hope you're doing fine.......

Anyhoo....I have read your 14 May 2010 blog and I know it was just a rant blog....but that particular blog have been on my mind for awhile.....

I know you didn't ask for sympathy and this is not suppose to be a sympathy blog...

After reading that blog, I felt like I should be a friend....and I felt you needed one.

So here I am.

The blog said how you are afraid....but amidst all that...you have GOT to see how BRAVE you are.

Admitting that you're afraid to do so many stuff....hey, isn't that bravery to show that you're flawed just like everyone else?

That's the beauty in you.

And....some of those "afraids" well, I have it too...

So you're not alone....

I am 22....Which makes me your Unnie!!! and I depend on so many people....to love me....and to make me feel like I am wanted.

I cry like a baby too...heck, I still stamp my feet (bad habit)...

So, I think that blog just make you more real to me.

It makes me think that you have a deep soul and you care for people around you....

When you feel bad again...

Just remember that you are real to someone.

Lots of love

shilla.

Today was just a WOW day!

Meeting up BFFs. Dancing like mad. Talking about guys. Talking about girls. Talking about romance. Watching "Orphan".

Today was THE best day of my life.

It started off at about 12:45 pm today, when I met Isabella at woodlands bus interchange. There was some miscommunication as yours truly didn't top her card....

So there I was waiting in my blazer and thick cotton dress...burning up. You might think that the most sane thing to do was to take off my blazer and not drench it with my sweat. However, something inside me just could not do it.....

I am a victim of fashion.

I really thought if I were to take off my blazer, I would look so plain....and I could stand the idea. LOL!

Anyways, when Isabella arrived we headed to Raz's house!!!!!

And....from then on, the fun began. It was really so much fun than going out somewhere....

The best part, I made my friends watched the last part of Princess hours....and they did watch it... I found out something about Isabella too.... She likes to read out subtitles! Hahaha....I cannot believe it.

Another gr8 part was that, I did my dance debut in front of my friends! RAZIA even dance with me!!!! Raz, next time we should learn the whole dance and perform it! Both of us have great butt movement! HAHAHAHAHA!

I had a brief singing lessons with my friend. I guess singing is part of my passion that I got so paranoid when I didn't hit the notes right....and I begged my friends to stopped. Maybe next time, ya?

So, Christine came a bit later and Isabella had to go cause it was her brother's birthday today.... Isabella didn't get to finish watching the "Orphan".... and the story got so thrilling in the end that Christine started screaming "GRANDMA!!!! NO!!" hahaha....

Well, the story was good but the starting was soooooo slow. But, overall, it's 3 out 5. So, you might want to catch it...

After the movie, Christine, Razia and I ate dinner.... a few minutes in our silent eating, Razia started to ask questions... and it was interesting because it was about "Who do you think is..."

I got to know that I am:

The most adoroble

The most Immature despite I am a noona and they are all my dong seng.

The most......what was that?????.....

I think that's about it. ha!

Christine and I had a chat in korean but all we did was introduce ourselves...cause that was all I know. Christine is very good an speaking korean....since she started 5 years ago....it was really fun to me and I hope we keep talking in korean so I can improve....

As usual, I was the last to go....Razia's house is really THE HANGOUT place to be. It's warm and nice and fuzzy and I can do almost anything I want. But the best part was haning out with friends without the need to spend any kind of money...that's the greatest part!

Of course, I talked about Onew...

How can I not? I am in love with him....truly am. Shoot me if you don't believe me....

Anyways, before I left, Raz asked me a really interesting question...

Raz: You know, what if you met the whole SHINee band and all of them wanted to have a dinner date with you?

Me: I just will go with Onew.

Raz: You wouldn't even consider the rest?

Me: (Confidently) yes!

Raz: Shilla! How could you?

Me: I could. It's Onew!

Raz: Okay, let's say you did meet Onew...

Me: Yeah!!!!!

Raz: hahah...You meet, you know, the whole SHINee band ....and, of course, your mission is to make Onew fall in love with you. Then, suddenly, Minho came to the picture and while you were trying to make Onew fall in love with you, you fell for Minho and Minho fell for you and the CRAZIEST THING is , Onew really falls in love with you!!! What are you going to do?

Me: HUH!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!

Raz: Stop avoiding the question...What would you do?

Me: ....I....I .....would....you mean, I am not in love with ONEW? How is that possible, Raz?

Raz: Hypothetically. WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

Me: ..... I don't know.... but I think I would tell Minho the truth... the truth that I was planning to fall in love with Onew and not him. I don't really know what I will do about Onew though...I don't want to hurt him....

Raz: hahah....(SIGH)

Me: (SIGH-ed big time!)

It was such an interesting thing to actually think about. What if that really happened. Ok...not specifically in that SHINee term...but normally...though I would rather the SHINee term....I really would not know what to do.

It remind of that movie "While You Were Sleeping"....hmm.... but if this really happen....I would scream DRAMA DRAMA!!!

Whoa...this is such a long blog...and I have to make it longer.

In Christine blog, there is this question....I am going to put it here and answer it with a person in mind.........

1. Do you need him/her to be good looking?
uh....I am not sure. Onew is awesome looking...so I guess, YES?

2. Smart?
Nope. I don't need that. Its interesting, but if he doesn't have to BE SMART...but wait. Onew is smart, so I guess, YES?

3. Preferred age?
A year younger than me.

4. Preferred height?
Onew is taller than me....so, I guess, YES?

5. How about sense of humor?
Has to be extremely funny....like Onew! He makes my stomach hurt with his dorkiness and cuteness and funny-ness.

6. How about piercings?
As long as he takes it off when he meets my dad.

7. Accepts you for who you are?
Yes.

8. Pink hair?
Anything would look good on Onew...So...YES!!!

9. Mushy or no?
YES. i am sucker for mushiness.

10. Thin or fat?
ONEW size.

11. Black, Brown or White (skin color)?
ONEW's skin tone.

12. Long hair or short hair?
Onew looks better with a short hair...Short hair then..

13. Plastic or metal?
Both are not enviromental friendly.

14. Smells good?
Onew probably smells delicious, na? So yes.

15. Smoker?
NOPE! NEVER!

16. Drinker?
Whatever Onew's alcohol limit is...

17. Girl/Boy-next-door type?
ONEW-NEXT-DOOR type.

18. Muscular?
Hmm...yeah? Onew's buffing up recently!!! EP 11 hello baby proved that!

19. Plays piano?
Yes....Onew played Piano.

20. Plays bass and/or acoustic guitar?
Uh....does Onew play this? If yes, then yes. If not...then no.

21. Plays violin?
No...it just remind me of that really irritating guy in BOF.

22. Sings well?
Onew is the best singer in the world...so yes.

23. Vain?
As long as it is with the Onew vain meter.

24. With glasses?
Onew really look cute in them!!! so YES YES YES!

25. With braces?
My korean teacher looks hot in them....So, I guess no?

26. Shy type?
YES! Onew's awkward around girls...and that's a very endearing character...

27. Rebel or good boy/girl?
Onew's a good guy....I love that. So...it's good boy.

28. Active or passive?
Um....i dunno.

29. Tight or bomb?
Yes, Onew wears tight jeans...and he looks good....So it's tight, i think?

30. Singer or dancer?
Onew's both!!!!!!

31. Stunner?
Hmm....Onew is stunning! But that will make me jealous....So....no?

32. classical?
I hate classical.

33. Earrings?
Anything....if Onew wants earring then he can have them....He looks good anyways.

34. Mr/Ms. count-my-ex-girlfriends-until-you-drop?
Hmm.....Well as long as I am the LAST and ONLY ONE.

35. Dimples?
no...cause Onew doesn't have one.

36. Bookworm?
HAHAHA! Since onew's smart...I think he reads....so i would say yes!

37. Mr/Ms. love letter?
Yes....it will be so romantice if Onew send me one! I hope it's a lyrics to a new song.

38. Playful?
Yes...Onew is VERY playful!

39. Flirt?
All the freaking time. Gotta keep the relationship seem new!!! I mean Onew's is surrunded by pretty girls all the time!

40. Poem writer?
Onew's one...so yes!

41. Serious?
No....ok....when he needs to be...I think Onew can do that.

42. Campus crush?
what is this?

43. Painter?
not really. Onew's a singer.

44. Religious?
no...cause I am not one.

45. Someone who likes to tease people?
Yes....hopefully he teases me....

46. Computer games geek? Or internet freak?
Internet freak...but I don't think Onew is any of those.

47. Speaks 20 languages?
Onew can only speak, korean, chinese and english. That's 3. So I don't think I need him to say more. All he has to say is 너를 사랑해요....

48. Loyal or faithful?
I hope Onew is faithful...at least that would make him sound like a lover.

49. good kisser?
Onew's has nice lips....so I think he is a good kisser...SO YES!

50. loves children??
doesn't matter.

Thats's all!!!!!!!

Love ya peeps!

Promises can be broken.

I know I promised that I would put up a list why I LOVE SHINee!!!!

But....slowly, I am starting to realize that the list needs to be amended.....

Now....it's THE LIST OF WHY I LOVE ONEW!

1) Even when people say ( and ALOT of the do ) that Onew looks pretty much ok in the industry, when I look at him.....I see STARS... and he's dazzling.

2) Onew, to me, is the best CREATION by God.

3) I smile like a 바보 when I see Onew anywhere.

4) I get excited.... When I see onew poster!

5) I bought Onew's Poster....and paste it beside me....so that it will be the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning.

6) I laugh like a girl.

7) I giggle like a girl.

8) I just.........love him.

9) I am IN LOVE WITH HIM.

10) I want to marry him....and I dream about him...

HELP.

I just can't help it.

There.

Take a look at it.

Doesn't your heart beat faster and your mouth curl into a smile?

Mine did.

I feel such bittersweet emotion.

Bitter because....the need to be with him is left unfullfilled.

Sweet because....he just makes me smile.

I really am in love with him.

Writting this down just make me smile like an idiotic fool and makes me blush. Onew/ Jinki is just really the most attractive man in the world. Look at how he just hug that man to protect his dongseng....

And when he was being dragged, I almost peed my pants....He's so cute.

You know, the more I try to stop myself from being a fangirl. The more of a fangirl I become.

But I just can't help it.

And I won't help it.

Just let me dream...and drool for now.

Until, at least, when Mr. Right* find me......

*Onew of course! Or anything close to him......

bo.bo.bo......

Dear blog,

I would like to apologise to you as I have not been updating my blog and have been having a life.

Well, not really a life that is socially equipped but a LIFE nontheless.

Alright, you got me...My "LIFE" right now only involve of korean stuff.

I am actually quite piss off.

I need them.

SHINee.

I really do!

I have been searching up and down....on YouTube and all the videos.....I am getting nothing new!!! I need something new and I am dying for it...literally going out of my sanity.

Anyways, I am here to talk about my friends.

It amazes me how my friends....have other friends that I don't know. It shouldn't amaze me but I am amaze....Cause for me, They are all I've got and they know each other....

That's it. That was all I want to talk about my friends...Haha....actually, I have nothing to talk about today.

Except for my undying love for Onew/Lee Jinki. I really do want to marry him and I guess I am becoming like a freaky fan girl.

Right now, I am in cloud infinity just with the fantasy of being with him.

Can you imagine what would happen to me if Onew does end up with me?
I would probably faint. Or die. Out of Happiness.

But the most probable scenario would be me falling off that cloud infinity and crashing down to reality.

I can see it coming soon....

Just thinking about it is so demoralizing and.....it hurts.

The thing is, I remember chatting with Christine the reason why I find that being in love with Onew made me cling on hope so bad is because well, Onew's asian and he's quite near and the fantasy of being with him would be more realistic...but, now...well....now, I can see the distance. I can see so many things that are probably going to make me regret ever liking Onew this much because it's never going to happen.

And I realize that when I like someone, I tend to destroy the whole thing by being truthful or honest.


But, even after seeing this and knowing the truth, I still cling on to hope. So dearly.

Somebody should just shoot me.

I am so obsessed!

I am so obsessed with SHINee that I :

1) listen to their songs only everywhere I go.
2) hunt down the meaning of their lyrics and memorize them.
3) go to YouTube purely just to watch videos that have them in it.
4) forget that there are no other mam out there for me except them.
5) ignore all impossibilities of me meeting th as a someone on their level.
6) hang on to hope like it's a life saver.
7) could look for a bf right now but I won't and I don't want to.
8) could have a bf right now but I don't because I am too caught up with delusions that I would end up with Lee Jinki/ Onew.
9) I have to type out SHINee instead of shinee cause that's the way the band name is spelt.
10) sign up for korean lesson because I want to know that I would be able to communicate with them even though the chances of me meeting them is ZERO.

The list is quite long but I will hive it ten by ten... When I have the time I will update another ten!!!