Let me give you a little update in this new itouch, boo!!!


Went for shangri-la interview a while back and it was an interesting interview. When I walked out of the interviewing room, I could not help but felt that I did a good job in convincing the interviewee that I was a good candidate for the job. I felt totally elated and quite certain that I had the job in my pocket.
3 days pass and still I got no call so I decided that I would give them a call to check about my status and to, secretly, release my curiosity!!! Then, this is where the unexpected comes in. 
When I called, the person told me that the decision was not made yet and I should wait until next week. I Hung up the phone feelig a bit dejected.
A week passed and finally someone from shangri-la called but I didn't pick up the phone because at that point of time I was working and I could not pick up the phone. So when I saw the missed call, I kinda knew that it was from Shangri-la so I got a teeny weeny excited!!! However, once I got a hold if the person who was calling me just now, it wasn't that great of a news. 
His name is Dennis and he is one mother fu**er. He actually told me that I was offered another job called housekeeping clerk.
Now, all I can think about was the word housekeeping. I ain't going to clean up people's shit. No way in hell am I going to do that. Boo, I don't even clean my own shit. 
So I said to this mother Fu**er that I ain't doing that shit. But he said that the job is almost similar to the one I applied so I said why not. So I said I could do that almost same thing and head down to Shangri-la only to find that mother fu**er set me up for another interview and not sign those damn paper of appointment!!! 
I was pissed and disappointed that I wanted to punch his face.  And do you know how long that interview took? A whole damn 5 minutes!!! It was a waste of time and money!!!!

So. Boo, you must now be so confused. Don't you worry, I go the job I applied for in the end. 2 weeks after I interviewed, the interviewee called me and said that she tried to call me right after our interview but she couldn't reach me. She told me about how much the job actually sucks and she said to get ready for pressure. After she told me all that she asked me to come down to sign the letter of appointment. 

When I hung up the phone, I really could not believe my luck. This was my first time getting a job that I interviewed for without going to a million others. 

So there!!! The update!!! 

Lots of love, 
Shilla    

Heartbroken.

I know what it's like

To be heartbroken.

I know what it's like

To sit alone.

Holding your chest.

Hoping your heart stays in.

I know what it's like

To be not able to breath

And yet, you don't understand

Why you are still breathing.

I know what it's like

To see nothing at all

But that of darkness.

I know what it's like

To feel like there is no more tears

and how your cheeks stays wet.

I know what it's like

To feel that life has ended

and feeling confuse when the clock is still ticking.

I know.

I know you, Heartbreak.

I know.

I know you have come for me.

I know.

At that very moment when my world crashed.

I know.

I know, you will destroy me.

I know.

And yet, I'm letting you stay.

The thing I hate....

You know when you're close to someone, you just want to hurt them less? This is because you don't want to be the one who feels as if the world is crashing down; you know that is how you feel after that one argument you had with that special someone.

The thing is you plan everything with this someone and you share joy and pain together. You're happy for as long as the planning stays in place and life is good. Then, one day, this person wants to change the plan or exterminate the plan altogether. She is saying the words but all you can hear is the tearing of your heart. She beg for your understanding and because you don't want to hurt her, I mean let's face it you know deep down the plan is not going to work, you just nod your head. Sure. But, you know that it's not sincere. Even she could tell it.

Then your world spiral to a crash.

This is the thing I hate.

The NEW MOON poster is up!

OK!!! The new moon posters are up in the DHOBY GHAUT transition pillars!!! I went crazy taking picture and ended up arriving late to work...

But, it was sooo worth it!!!

Check out the photos!

Haha.... was being a bit cheeky....Just wanted to be with Edward ALONE. Sorry, Bella.

Shirin is part of the WOLF PACK! Don't piss her off now, Shilla.

Not a big JACOB fan....didn't need to be so pretty.

Love this poster the MOST! Just take a look at EDWARD'S hand on BELLA'S back! INTENSE!

There you go...NOW DROOL!

For the record....I was not the one who spotted it....Shirin was. God, felt so guilty and useless when I realise this. But anyway, taking the photos were alot of fun! People were laughing at me but I really couldn't careless. I mean it's NEW MOON!!!

And I hope eclipse get out soon!!! I am going crazy...

Not that I wasn't already before!

YOU inspire me, CHRISTINE.

OK....

Hey y'all!

So, The title says it all.

I just came back from Christine blog...which I have to mention is full with information about Korea! And bands from Korea!

It's like an encyclopedia of Korean Bands.

I mean if you didn't know about Korean Bands, once you read Christine blog. You'll be a frigging expert!

I saw one of the video she posted...I think it's called YG...or something like that....

and dang..........

HE IS SOOOO HOT! AND REALLY COOL!

ALL IN ONE!!!

I wished he was on sale....

LOL!

but, yeah, now...I just go to Christine blog and look at him....hahah...and I LOVE LOVE LOVE....lurve...... his....dance.

It's soooo sexy.

Had an orgasm again.

Gosh, I feel like Jesse McCartney.

Oh, btw, he looks like Chucky! Like the Chucky doll! The one that kills people....

No wonder his sex appeal is so NOT Appealing to me....

Just check him out here...

Make sure YOU pause at 0:23.....

He really looks like Chucky the murderous doll!

Back to a very great topic...

Christine wrote something deep in her blog that I kinda have to read about a Gazzilion times to understand.

Yeah, I am a BIMBO...what to do.. Gosh, do I have A.D.D? I keep getting off topic!!!!

So...anyways, she said about how people hang around with people they don't like...and how...well, how everybody is doing the exact same thing...at exactly the same time and how....we're thinking the same thing about this.

I mean...we're always thinking...

Does she like me?

Or

Why is she so fucking irritating and why am I with her????

Just think about it....While you're thinking this, someone in the same group is thinking the exact same thing about you.

Depressing, right?

Or was it just confusing for you guys?

I am not good at explaining....but...you should read Christine blog....She explains way better.

I was just inspired to write that we always hope that people would think we're good people. or we're nice people. Ok, maybe there are some exception...some people just really don't care at all. But for people to like me...it kind of means something to me. I don't want to think that people are actually bitching about me...but that, obviously, can't be help...I mean I bitch about people...around me... (run and slit own throat)....

It's just amaze me...that somebody else feel the same way too...

Christine tells it like it is...and her blogs make you face you....the pretty you and the ugly you...and make you embrace them both...

Her blogs and her words really inspire me...

So much that I had to write a blog...which probably won't make sense....LOL.

So I suggest you guys go read her blog..

She should have a name for her blog.....something called...

Face you....Face the real you.

OK peace out.

LOTS OF LOVE,

Shilla....

oh!!!

PS...

New moon tv spots are out...go check it out...I find the protecting her version was kinda lame...what is with the guy who narratored it?

Here is where I am.

So...

Here I am. Not doing anything. I have not been thinking about what I should do.

I think what I am doing right now is call "taking a break".

Or lets just say I am not doing anything at all.

And, let me tell you, It feel soooooo good.

Not having to worry and not having that much of a responsibility.

It feels so damn good.

Almost like an orgasm.

Except for the fact I do not know how an orgasm feels like because I am freakishly repressed by my morals and religious belief to even touch myself.

Anyways, back to the topic, Yes...it really feels really good.

I know this wouldn't last but I am going to enjoy it while I can.

I have canceled my trip to Bali but that just mean I am going to be loaded soon and I would so happy again.

I decided not to go Bali because, well, I am scared New Moon would not be premiering in Bali and I might go there with my main reason of being there thrown to the rubbish bin and instead of me being so happy, I'll just be so miserable.

But, I think the plan might still be on.

I don't know.

I just know that...well, I am not so worried.

Whatever happens, Happens, right?

Also, I have gotten into reading a new series called Evernight.

It's by Claudia Gray and I think I love it.

And it's a freaking series.

And....it's about Vampires. ( I know some of you are smirking right now.)

I love it....I seriously do because this time, it's not about being in love (ok, maybe a little romance between the main character, Bianca and Lucas) it's about staying together no matter how different you are between each other. It's a gr8 book.

I am done with the first part of the series (and I didn't spent a single cent, it was a library book)

and I am dying to go on this adventure again only now...well, I have to own the book!!!!

I hate it when I am obsessed.

Anyway I would like to leave a Quote from Elbert Einstien. ( I hope I spelt his name right!)

"God did not create Evil. Evil happened when Men has lost the faith in God's Love."

Amazing, right? And he's a scientist!!! A freaking great one at that!

LIFE....a mess as yesterday.

So...the good news is...I am not so emotional today. So I can see thing straight.

There is the bad news though.

I am definitely still so screwed and I have been doing alot of thinking.

I tried to go back to the stage where I screw everything over. And I think I know where exactly.

It's O levels.

I didn't really do well with it and I only got 3 credits...so it's not really worth it.

So maybe, I might want to take O levels again.

MIGHT.

I dunno if I will go ahead with it.

I have to think some more...

In the darkest moment in my life.

I have some very bad news.

I don't think this feeling of lonliness or the confusion is a phase.

This is the most horrible moment of my life.

Home is not home anymore.

My dad has become a supporter of my mom.

I want to be alone and die.

Sleep Deprivation.

When "THEY" say that sleep deprivation is bad for us, they're lying.

They tell us this so we won't ever see the truth.

The truth is, Sleep deprivation open up our eyes to see our life in the truest way possible.

I just got my dose of it today.

I am crossing my finger and praying to God Almighty that what I am seeing now...is not the future that was meant to be for me.

My future is bleak.

It's so unclear.

And this scares the hell out of me.

I am really very very scared and frightened.

I do not want to embrace this bleak future because it's not enough for me.

This blog has been about my ups and downs. Usually, my past post would have an element of funniness (is that even a word?) and I usually laugh my black moods away.

Today, it's so different.

I realize that I have been screwing up my life and been denying that I have been doing this.

The thing is, I drop out of NAFA and I thought it wouldn't affect me. But, just like before, when I fail....I can't help but feel like a loser.

I told my dad that I can't do it anymore and I SAW THE HESITATION IN HIS EYES....and I shut up. We never discussed this again.

I am an adult now. I am my own responsibility.

This revelation....scares me and make me feel alone. Like...HELLO BIG BAD WORLD, you know?

I have tried so hard to be the best and I never even made it to the good section let alone the best. There was always someone who was better than me and I was just trying too hard and not seeing the facts. I am reading between the lines of nothing and I am not actually deciphering anything. I am blind as a bat.

All my life, I have been scoffing at those who didn't know what they were suppose to do.

When I hear, "I am working. My highest education level is an N level Certificate."

I, then, would think...."you will never survive here with such a cert. I am never going to be like that. I will be in UNI. I will be something. I will get my parents a big bangalow and live happily."

And now?

I am one of "those" that I so often scoff at.

This is just great.

My friends ( the best in the world) would never agree to this....But I am a BAD PERSON. I don't deserve anything and....I am just going to make everyone disappointed in me. Again and again and again....it will never stop.

Sleep depirvation made me see how....screwed up I am. I have no real CERT and I have nothing to offer. I am just a normal average girl who is slipping in the grip of life.

Isabella asked me "What are you going to do?"

And I keep saying (crying on the phone) " I don't know. I don't know."

Usually, I hear that from someone else...now it's from my own mouth.

But.....

I have The best friends in the world.

I love you....so much...that I would not have survive anything....if you were not by my side.

Thanks for not giving advice because that the LAST thing that I wanted.

Thanks for understanding...

And thanks....for saying "don't Cry..."

I would try to immerse myself to thinking of what is going to happen.

I would sleep first...Just in case "THEY" were right.

Today was a panic day.

Today was the day I found out....

I am so screwed.....

Tired...... that's a big word.

Hey ppl!

It's been one long day and now I am just ready to rest my head and let dreams overcome my thoughts but before I hit the sack, I just want to talk about today,

Finally, I gone to school.

This was because, I had a sweet request from Farah to come so we can do the slides and so I did. And, well, The Nafa board had call saying that if I do not turn up, they have the POWER to expel me.

But, seriously, I wasn't bothered. I just don't think I want to learn anything more or the stress that is killing me and I hate the very core of that school. YUCKS.

Today has been a weird day. Having not come school for so long, I have forgotten alot of things...Like people's name and what happened if you do that. So...it was embarrassing. Haha...I told Aly that she was nice on MSN...and not so nice in real life or not as nice...hahaha....but all the same, she laughed.

After school which ended quite early and well, considering that we had presentation and Zaree was nervous..I had to go to work and I love it. Honestly, it's a form of escape and it's nice to work at MadJack! The people are friendly and I had so much fun.

So thats all!

I can't wait to go to bali! It's going to be a blast!

OMG!!!!!

OMG!

Ok enough of that. I am totally freaking out.

I almost got into an accident about 30 minutes ago!!! Really! Omg!

Alhumdulilah( Thank God), Nothing happened. I went into shock just now because I was laughing all the way home and freaking out to Razia. She must have thought I have lost my mind.

I think I went to a state of shock.

The car almost hit me and I almost died, y'all. I really almost died. Today might have been the day you guys got the bad news that Roshilla, your friend or Best friend, had died at about 11:40 pm. At the tender age of 21. Just after her birthday.

Can you imagine my date of birth and my date of death on my grave???

23-09-1988 to 24-09-2009

People would look at my grave twice and think, "Whoa, I hope she at least had a blast on her birthday."

And I didn't!!!!

I am still in shock and my dad is on a mission to find who that moronic driver was.

Well, on to a less bugging topic.

Um....OMG!

Something awesome was announced on my birthday yesterday!!!

The Host by Stephenie Meyer would be made into a MOVIE! YEAH! I will finally see the host being played in action and I hope they find a really good IAN!!!!

I have been fantasising about IAN for God knows how long.....He's the Gentleman of the world. He's perfect. Except for one flaw, he doesn't exist!

Well, that's all.

I love you guys. I am saying it now because I am scared I may never be able to say it again.

Well...Enjoy, Shilla.

Great, huh?

For Christine.

OK before anything is posted here....I just wanna say that I am a BLOGGER fan and I would never change to livejournal or whatever else is offered as a space to let out my feelings for the world to see.

I like Blogger a lot and though it's a tad bit slow and it's not really doing anything to go with the challenge that a lot of other blog space have...I think still it's not complicated and people won't be confuse on who is replying and who is actually writting the blog....(I am talking about Livejournal)

Anyway, this is not what I usually do. Posting videos of Korean band...it's usually Christine but I want to dedicate this to her.

I wonder if she have watched it...but here it is nonetheless,

If you're wondering who the boy band is, well they are call a HONOR SOCIETY. I have heard their song and I am not becoming a big fan but I have to say, the lead singer of this band has a killer voice and when he hits the high notes, it's super sexy.

Ok, I hope you like it, Christine. SEE U SOON!

CLICHE ENDINGS ARE NOT ALWAYS BORING.

CLIFFHANGERS.

Either you love it or hate it. Personally, I truly one-hundred percent hate it.

There's a lot of American tv shows that ended in a cliffhangers. For example would be Grey's Anatomy season 5, where the last scene was trying to revive Lizzie who died right after being able to remember all the mean things Alex said to her in his desperate moment to get her to be her again. Am I even making sense? Well, you have to watch the show to see. It's just amazing.... but really it's piss me off. I mean, I would want to know if Lizzie lived or died because in the whole series, I have never seen Alex so devoted to a woman. And he truly love her, which is amazing and beautiful at the same time. So I may not be the first to ask for this, but all the same, please let lizzie live and maybe kill George.

It's not that I don't like George, it's just I think he suffered enough. I mean being hit by a bus for someone he doesn't even know. What's with falling in love with Meredith only to have her get married to Dr. Shepard. And then falling in love with Lizzie, and lizzie not feeling the same way as him. The directors or producers should just delete this very sad character because it's too pathetic and it reminds too much of me and I don't like seeing myself being potrayed on TV for every one to see.

Wow, what a grey's anatomy revelation.

Another cliffhanger that I hate would be the series Bones.

The series ended with such a turn off for me. Ok, so Agent Booth was injured and he was operated. Then he dreamt about this whole thing where he was married to Bones and they were really happy (this is the sucky part because A LOT of fans are actually rooting for Bones and Booth to get together because they are freakingly awesome together and you could see throughout the whole series that Booth have genuinely feelings for Bones.) suddenly their club had a homicide. But all of these were a dream and Booth woke up from his coma and Bones was finally relived from waiting only to be hit by a punchline where Booth said, "who are you?"...then the credits happened.

I nearly threw the laptop away.

I know it's exciting and all but why can't the series end up like Charmed where there is almost a guarantee that there is a happy ending on the end of the season? Wish people would stop thinking that cliche ending would not rake ratings or views.

Anyway, Grey's anatomy is coming soon and I CANNOT WAIT FOR THE 'SEASON THAT WOULD CHANGE EVERYTHING'.

Well, thanks for reading...

Lots of Love,
Shilla

I am sick and tired.

Dear blog,
Today I watched the most horrible movie ever. I watched final destination 4. In 3D. The effects was awesome. I really love it. But the plot...omg...what were they thinking? There was no plot and just like every other final destination movie...everybody freaking die in the movie.
Oops, I didn't mean to be a spoiler. But I cannot help it. And, people, it's FINAL DESTINATION. There is always death.
They say there was a twist.
Wanna know what the twist is?
He saw 2 visions in this movie. One at the race track, the other in a mall.

On the scale of one to ten...I give it a "Don't-watch-this-show" scale. Ever.

I don't know why I was so excited to watch this. Maybe because it was in 3D and it's not animated. It's human life forms and they seem to be so real. So there, you know.

Ok, maybe you don't. But, I am just saying the effects was the bomb. It is the shit! And I am not just making this up. It's really the dig.

But that's it. So if you're not into effects, don't ever go to the mall and buy the ticket. The poster looks great but the movie is just not worth it. Don't waste your money.

Please, if you love GOD, don't ever.

And even if you don't, please don't.

Let the movie flop and die and....God, now I just remembered...It was cathay "Pick of the week". YUCK.

Anyways, I am here not to complain...but too late, I already have, haven't I? So, anyways, I am here to list down a whole list of movies that I want to watch...

The time traveller's wife

Gamer

Sherlock Holmes

Bandslam

I love you, Beth Cooper

Coraline

A christmas carol

I am on the fence for New Moon. I am a big fan of the book and I don't know if I should do it out of loyalty. I just don't ant to be disappointed again. It's just irritating. Plus, Stephenie Meyer is really pissing me off not writting anything.

So that's 7 movies. And most are showing during Sept. I think I am going 4 a movie marathon...on my b'day...Ha! That would be so cool!

That's all,

Shilla.

wow....121 post for the last 2 years.

Omg....121 post....that is so crazy and it totally cool at the same time.

Anyways, I am in a bus and I am on the way home...almost reaching I guess.. Give or take about 15 mins more.

Well, if you are wondering how I manage to blog in a bus...

The bad news is; no, the bus does not have wireless. So DO NOT bring your laptop and hop on a bus for 2 hours.

How I am doing this is pretty easy; I have a mobile broadband... So now, I can surf wherever and whenever I want to.

School sucks. I can say this openly here because no one knows about my blog and I am going to delete the link from my facebook and youtube.

This place should block out evil people.

Some people in this school seem to have a habit of not respecting other's loss in life. I am not going to say anymore as this may be use against me and I do not need any more drama in school. If you're my friend, just ask me and I WILL TELL YOU.

I just kind of found out that I have only 8 people who I believe are my friends.
Isn't that just great? 8 friends.
They are all so special to me and it's crazy how I manage to be friends with them...All of them are so cool, smart and totally fabulicious.

But, then again, I am their friend. So my judgement may be biased.

Wow, I am passing by geylang and the store for Hari Raya are now open.....the decoration are great even though I cannot see how the lighting is because it's still a hot humid day But I am pretty sure it's beautiful.

I wonder when I am going to go shopping for Hari Raya.
I hope we can this year. At least one traditional baju kurung.
Not like last year.

But, if that don't happen, I think I will be ok.


My b'day is coming soon. About 3 weeks to go!!! I cannot wait to meet my friends and have dinner and catch up all night long. Maybe even go clubbing with me! For the ones who are legal and that can enter a club.

Maybe I won't even club.....I don't know. I want to but I don't want to go alone.

Anyway, I am becoming a twitter addict. Been twittering non stop just now...
If you want to follow me here's my twitter
www.twitter.com/roshillacullen

you guys can check out the most random things I tweet.
This twittering makes me feel better.
It's like I have a friend that keep asking me what I am doing.

Ha, the things you say when you're such a loner.

Twitter becoming your "friend"

Anyway, I am running out of thing to say

So blog out!

I can't seem to balance this out.

Hey.

I really cannot find my Ying and Yang right now.
What i meant is that, I can never find a balance to blog or do a vlog at the same time.
Anyways, I am here to blog about something on a local context because I think if I vlog this, it would not be understandable
to the wider communities called the Non-singaporean people.

So, fasting month had begun and I am still alive and surviving. At the same time, I am reminded of the poor and how their life goes about without food and water,
Thus, this particular holy month of ramadan, I sure know how bless I am. So I should stop the BITCHING about life. LOL.

There's nothing much to blog, actually, because I am out of stories to tell.

The thing is, I had alot to tell when I was working.
Maybe because there not much to do that day.

Well, anyways, I got to go. Not that I am rushing anywhere that is.... Just that my brain has become faulty with all the drawings in school.
So, bye.

These Four Walls

It doesn't have my face.

Credits to LisaMond

I am going crazy on my Mac book!

Please listen to this....i am beggin. Then please comment either in my youtube or my tag...Please!!!

A cover. I did it. It's me.

please listen. PLEASE. IT'S DIFFERENT. I SWEAR.

Nuff Said. Sing along now.

Do it.
press PLAY.

JUST 33 SECONDS OF YOUR LIFE.....SO PRESS PLAY.

Press play.

AGAIN.

This was suppose to be played yesterday

PRESS PLAY.

I Keep on wondering

So here I am writting in on my blog rather than videoing my VLOG which is way past overdue...

And to Christine, Yes, I did pluck my eyebrows. Went against the parents wishes and I am going to burn in hell for ever committing this sin. LOL.

Back to the topic, I was surfing the net and I wondered if those writers that I love so dearly will ever write a new book or at least write something at all. But, to my dismay, there is no such news. I am quite bump on the contary on the "NO-NEWS" of Stephenie Meyer's Midnight Sun. She has not update us on anything and it seems like she had taken the leaking problem to her heart.

Guys, that woman is not over it. No. She is so far from over it that I think she might have totally FORGOTTEN about this book that she had announce to the world that she would love to write.

How bad can a wound be?

People out there are even willing to sign an online pettition and they even surpassed their goal of 5000 signatures and yet still the trend of NO-NEWS keep on playing on.
Check out this webbie guys:
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/Please-Finish-Midnight-Sun

The pettition is even close and yet...Stephenie Meyer seemed to be turning on a deaf ears.

I am pretty sure she's almost done with it and yet...why is she doing this to us?
I think we all know the answer.
She just want to punish innocent people.
Deep down, we all know that she is somehow a saddist.
And a total uptight spoilt sulk.

I don't mean to insult her but it's way too long.
I mean if she doesn't want to write it at all, at least admit in her website and let us go from the wall call "Patiently Waiting".

Do not WORRY!

Hey peeps!

Don't worry, I am feeling quite alright tonight and I am just here to blog normal stuff. So no emo today. LOL.

Anyways, I was working today and a group of caucasion men came in to the restaurant to eat (Duh!) and from their accent, I was pretty sure they were from australia. I mean, the way they say water to WA-DER....(real fast)...kind of gave them away. Normally, I would say that they're cute and all that but this is not the case. You see, the restaurant I am working at caters austrailian cusine....And this man must probably be missing their homeland because all of them ordered the same thing...

THE BLUE MOUNTAIN BURGER.

You probably would not understand why ordering this burger has anything to do with their country but as far as the research I have done..it state that there's a mountain in Australia that is called the blue mountain. I bet those Australian men were really missing the cool, unpolluted air in the down under, huh?

It was kind of weird seeing them and serving them the same plate four times! I had to supress a smile because it was really just hilarious.

I think I would be homesick too if I was in another country and there's this restaurant that caters Singaporean food. Imagine them selling the 'Esplanade' burger!!!!

There isn't much going on today beside that...

Oh no!

There was another family that dine in and they had the most politest boy as their son!
I was so amazed. He even asked his parents to leave a tip on the table which I collected of course.

Hey, it was only $2.

He's quite cute too and probably about 15 yrs old.

Dang it! Why am I born too early?

Anyway got to go and upload a video cover I made on YouTube....Check it out.

Adios amigo and ladies,
Shilla

THE NO DIFFERENCE

It's not different to feel depression and to keep hearing happy song that sing to you about a guy who is the one you want to be with than to just keep on feeling depressed and sitting alone in your room, helpless.

It makes you want to cry.
Cuddle yourself because you cannot find anyone who would understand this pain.
YOU don't even understand this pain you're going through.
You don't understand why you're listening to song that just keep on making the cut deeper than it already is.
You just don't and you try not to cry.
Hold it back, hold it back, please don't fall.
You keep thinking that.
Because you know, once the first tears fall and roll down your cheeks, there is no stopping it.

I just wish sometimes that I don't feel thiss feeling of depression. Or lonliness.
This feeling is so overwhelming. It makes me feel that my worst nightmare have come true.
Being alone all my life.
I don't know how not feel this way and be ok again.
People have told me to just cry...to just let it go. To feel the pain.
Once it's over, it's going to be fine.

But it's not.
It just keep coming back.
Like a ghost waiting in the shadows.

I hate it when my blog is like this. Like I am drowning in the waters and making this all dark. I want to be me again. The happy me. The one who doesn't care of what others think of her. The one who has her feet up off the ground. The one who don't need to feel the love of a man to make her feel whole. The one with no longing.
The one that was free from pain and hurt. The one who TRIED to be happy somehow.

I can't find her.
And this is not even my birthday.
I hope on my birthday, it's not like this.
I don't want to have any more birthday blues.
I don't want to feel like this.

I just wish I never have fallen in love.
Then I wouldn't know how great and powerful it is to care for someone so much and knowing that he does for me too. I wouldn't know what it's like to be heartbroken when I lose that person.
How can wanting this be so bad and yet I cannot do anything about it?

Am I too picky? or is it because...it's me?
It's so confusing when I try to logic this out.
There seem to be no logic.
And I am losing patience trying to find.
I just want to be found.


Again, it just seem to be too much to ask.

Almost Gave up blogging today.

As you can see from the title, I really did feel like doing it just now.

Why, you may ask.

It's because I forgot my own username and I cannot remember my password.
Someone scream ALZHEIMERS already!

I really think I do have that.

Such an early age.

I need to get a journal to record everything down before it's too late and I forget who my friends are!


So, I really have not been updating these past few days and I decided to give you guys a PLAY BY PLAY.

Like christine...with the dates and everything.


HERE I GO.


3rd August 2009
Let me remember a few details.

Went to school. Ended class at 1.
Photograpgy was a torture. It's really difficult.
BUMMER.
Went back home. Rest a little.
Go out at 5:15 and reach work late.
But, that's alright.
Finish work at 11 and got a ride back home from dad.
Reach home and went to the internet and surf like crazy.
Slept at 4.

4th August 2009
Woke up at 12. Bathe.
Feel bad for skipping school (again).
Went out of the house at 1 and reach Woodgroves Secondary School at 2.20 pm.
End of work= End of being such a dork at school.
Contact friends to eat dinner.
They were busy with homework and important stuff.
I can't blame them.
I was so last minute.
So ate alone.
At long john.
The depression sank in.

5th August 2009.
Went to school. But late. Reach about half an hour later.
Teacher forgave such a conduct and decided to chillax.
Felt like a loner in class.
Depression sunk in really fast.
Texted friends to say I miss them(I REALLY DO SO SO SO SO MUCH).
They texted back to say they do too. (MISS ME, I MEAN).
Felt really sad. Wanted to run to MI.
Almost cried in class.
Classmate body language scream that they wanted to avoid me in everyway.
Call my dad to fetch me and have lunch together.
Dad came to the rescue.
Cried in the car....broke down, finally.
Dad suggested a few brutal way to tackle those people who have hurt me.
I smiled. Because my dad still love me. So much from what I have seen.
Ate at Macs with Dad and had alot of fun talking to my father!
Went back home and cried to sister again.
She understood the situation better and ask if I wanted her to come and fetch me everyday after school?
Isn't she such an angel?
I LOVE HER TO BITS.

6th August 2009
It was a thurday.
No school. No work.
I love EVERY minute of it!
it's really gr8 to stay at home and not be bothered by anyone.
I mostly slept the whole day.
Enjoying the feel of my bed and dreaming about Nick Jonas.

TODAY- 7TH AUGUST 2009
Went to school.
Met Video Production lecturer for the first time.
He was way boring.
And uncool.
In a very likable way. And he is adorable!
With his half black, half white specs.
LOL.
Found a guy I like.
Really cute and nerdy.
With specs and even awkward movement.
Love to look at him cause it makes him kind of nervous.
Hahaha.
Went to work.
Enjoyed every minute of it.
Went back home.

Menses cramp kicking in and I even made it my MSN name. LOL.

That's it. I know it's not as elaborative as Christine but I couldn't find the power to remember every detail that day. Guess its not that significant huh?

Never going to update like this again.

Love,
Shilla.

PS
I love all my friends in MI!!

IT's been AGES!

Hey....

It's totally been ages.
Like Oh My God!
Like almost a year.
But not.
It's like..
5 months.
No.
It's about 3.
I think.
Whateves.


What?
Short forms are so the in thing this season, y'all!


Bimbo moment.

Anyways...
I am really happy for the internet being up again. Now I can update my blog and VLOG. That's the most important thing. Got so many many many many things to do. But yet, I haven't done anything yet.

Anyways let me update on the last few days.


School fucking started. I hate every moment of it with a smile.
I have been working and so this led me to skipping school.
People have been saying that I am making excuses. But well, they're not in my shoes so I guess they don't know.

School make me realize how much I miss my best friends. I really do and wished that they were there or at least I would find somebody who is just like them. So far, I have no luck.

Can't say that I am happy there.

Quite unhappy actually.

Days have been quite torturing. Wished I stayed in MI or at least beg to stay then at least I do not have to try to fit in or try making friends.

To be truthful, I am not making friends.

I keep to myself. And, I think, it's better that way.

I feel a little bitchy and arrogant because I keep judging.

That's bad.

Met up with friends regularly these past few days to keep myself happy and alive. They never fail to put a smile on my face and make me comfortable as usual. They respect my opinions and are mature enough to not laugh at my stupidity or discriminate me. They love me too much to hurt me. Thus, my love for them is as huge as my love for my family.

They say this is too cliche.

But, yet, this is the upmost truth.

I will post the videos soon....hahahaha...But it might take a while.

Lots. Of. LURVE.

Shilla

A little something from me. Love to you.

Enjoy.

I miss you all

Something for my friends.

I am sitting here infront of my computer with a completely blank mind


I think my period is coming soon because I am having the PMS.


I hate this.


I am feeling angry and lonely!


How can I not have someone in my life right now?


Someone to actually wants to be with me.


It's asking too much.


So why can't I just be happy with what I have?













And then I realize.
I have nothing.
No future.
Nothing.
I am useless.
Just like those who I judge.













I am a failure.

When parents becomes a hassle.

I know it sound mean but, what the heck, I am freaking angry.

I don't get it why my dad have to be so egoistic.

Actually, I don't get it why he is even in my room.


It's irritating and freakishly bringing me to hate every single of life.


It seems like my dad knows everything, that is what he claims and it's getting on my nerve. I wish he would just leave the room already.



I know this may sound as if I am some ungrateful child but if you were in the same room, you'll get this stupid rushing hatred feelings running through your veins.


What can I say?


When a girl is piss...there not much one can do about it.


And it's about being honest, isn't it?


Anyways, I have been updating this blog quite frequently lately I have been neglecting my YouTube account. I could never get things to be balanced.
My life is a jumble of mess and I miss my friends and....life is just at the worst for me.
I really hope this is not the beginning of my life.


I can just imagine the chapter of the past of my life ending..
And shilla thinks this was the ending of her life when she left the school ground and walk out the gate but she has no idea that it was just the beginning...

God. I really hope I am not a fictional character that was doom for failure.

Or was written by Stephen King.

His novel always had the protagonist being miserable.

Like in Misery. That would be bad.


I just wish I get a reply soon from NAFA...I just can't not go to school anymore. It's killing me.

A denial PROBLEM

I have been wondering...since there is not much I can do besides wondering.. why people keep DENYING when they are in love with their best friends. I, personally, don't think it's embarassing to actually feel this way. So it might be a tricky situation but when you keep telling me about how much you don't feel that way about your supposedly best friend, it just makes it more obvious.

Have anyone read the book "He's just not that into you"?

Well, I have.

So I can TELL the sign when someone is into someone.


I am not asking people to tell the dude you're in love with him. I know the situation. Heck, I have been in the situation and telling that friend that you love him more than you're suppose to could actually cause damages. But please for crying out loud, DON'T DENY IT.


I am not him. I am a friend and I will understand. We might even have a few laughs about it. I might even agree that he's HOT.

Or something like that.


Anyway, I took the entrance test today.

It was HORRIBLE as some of my closest friends have already known. The drawing part was fine and then I realize I didn't even finish my paper. Ass.

And the stupid invigilator keep saying
"Read the questions carefully and over and over, people. Understand the question. Nobody is suppose to talk to anyone or ask what the question is meant. If you understand, then it's good. If you don't, then too bad."

What a way to make me panic. EVEN MORE.


After I finished my poster, I knew I lost it.



But, I wish I make it. I know I have some creative juices, it's just wasn't it full form today.



Wow, talk about a DENIAL PROBLEM.

I will get the result in 3 to 4 weeks and I am praying hard I will get in. I am hoping they see some talent in me because I really do want to learn to do videos and stuff and it would be quite fun making videos as a job.


If I don't get in, I might retake my O's again.


Wow, what a life I am having.

Hearts4Ever guys,
Shilla.

TO ALL MY FRIENDS

I hold the pain in my mind as I went away
Cause none of us thought it was gonna end this way
People are people and sometimes we have bad times
but it's killing me to see this end after all this time

The music starts playing like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending I don't really plan to see
Cause it's tragedy and it will only bring me down
Now I don't know what to do without you around

And I know it's never simple, never easy
Even this clean break, I am going crazy
I am the only one I know dying right here

And I can't breath without you
But I have to.
And I can't breath without you
But I have to.

I never wanted this, never wanted to be hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swereved
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing that I say will save me from the fallout


It's 2am, feeling like I lost all my friends.
It's really not easy, easy for me.





I miss all of you.
My heart is beating all of your names.
I am dying.
The pain is unbearable.
I love you all.


Miss you.
Always.

Again...I have neglected.

Hey....Y'all! I see that I have not been blogging for a long time. It's about a month and the irony is, I keep asking people to update their blogs while I'm neglecting mine so diligently like a soldier. I am really sorry to those who have been to my blog to see some updates and getting none. I will somehow try to update it now since the ONE WEEK MARCH HOLIDAYS are in and I have more time in my hand.

So, let me just tell you that Common Test was such a bummer. I had only one H2 in the end.....

DAMN! THERE'S THIS REALLY IRRITATING KID SINGING " I BELIEVE I CAN FLY" ON TV...IT'S REALLY DISTRACTING AND I CAN'T THINK CLEARLY. HOLD UP...LET ME TURN OF THE SOUND.

Ha! I did not just turn off the sound....I turned off the whole thing. So let's get back to topic, shall we? I was really hoping I could pass MOB but I didn't in the end and I was hoping my assignment would pull me up but NO, there is not assignment marks included. I don't see the point of doing all those assignment with alot of effort, hoping it could be helpful when it's totally not. I was angry.


Then I got acceptive.


It's a miracle, I know. Especially from someone like me who believes that miracle don't happen to one self hence the bad luckness of my life. But I do accept this fate and I am not going to fight it anymore. If I am fated to be a blue collared worker then that's what I will be. I am too tired o fight against fate and obviously, fate always and will have the upper hand forever.


Anyway, let's not dwell on it further. Honestly, the reason I have not blog is because I have been making videos for my VLOG on YouTube. It's so much fun making a video, I love the editting process....hey, maybe I can be a video editor...let me check the requirements....who knows, maybe O level is eough and I have some good videos in YouTube.


Darn.


I need a degree to get a decent job.


Or a job that is fun.



A change of topic....I have been reading....Great books, good books, and really just plain boring books---which probably are all my literature books, ugh!
I just would like to say that NOBODY under any circumstances should ever read Nicholas Sparks' A bend in the road! It's total rubbish and draggy, predictable and just gives you the urge to just burn the books into ashes.

Hmm...maybe people who needs fire can bring that book along. You can burn it to give you fire. And help you survive. But, other than that, I forbid anyone to read that book.


That's about it....I am going to do a video soon. It's about FAT people again and THOSE who make fun of them. Yeah, I had a really awful day at PE. I can't say it....I want to show it and show how even friends can be mean to you. Laughing AT you. TO YOUR FACE.

Anyway....


God bless,
Shilla

For Hafizah. Love you.

Hey babe! I hope you're reading this. Before I start, let me just say that I am already missing you so dearly. I cannot imagine not making funny jokes and you're not there.


Just can't imagine the scenario.


The decision you have made, I will never contest. I hope, in this decision, that you find your happiness and greatness in it. I know you will love every minute you spent doing what you like. When I heard it for the first time, I swear, I was thoroughly happy for you. I was beyond happy. I know how happy you will be if this were to happen. But, nevertheless, I was completely shock. Not because, I was jealous or anything like that sort but I suddenly realize, that you will be gone. No longer there with me to talk to. No longer there to smile and laugh at my stupidest joke ever. Then, I realize, it was all "I"s in the sentence, I will shove them aside for you happiness.




You will be miss by me sooooooo dearly. I really love you as my own sister and I am so happy you're part of my life now. It's a signed contract and you cannot vanish on me ever. I hope we still keep in contact and I WILL EMAIL YOU EVERYDAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE just to see what's and how's it's been going for you.



I cannot believe you're leaving by this wednesday.


I will soooo miss you. You're like a sunshine....and cute. And extra bonus points.


I am going to wish you all the best and hope you find friends that will love you just as much as I love you and I hope even more but I do not think anyone can beat my love and care for you. Not in a million, billion and gazillion years.





As I am typing this, there's an ache in my heart. I will sorely miss you. Guess what? I will miss you even more than my ex. I hope you do know how much you mean to me, babe. I tell you how much.......oops....I cannot even put it in words.......I will show when you ask me.


I know this may sound cliche but YOU mean much more to me than the world....even if it's cloned! LOL.

I hope this does not make you cry.....cause I am about to. Brawl over and cry my eyes out....till it's sore and I can't see.



I want to say...don't leave, Haf. Don't. Stay.



But I can't.



It's too selfish and I want YOU to be somebody someday and I will not stop you from the great things that you can be. You WILL be.




Don't cry.




If you need me, I will be here. For you. Anytime.



I am missing you already....




Love you forever,
Shilla.

This is GR8!

Yo! It's been ages!.....Well, ages since I wrote in here.




Now I am 26, married, and I have 2 kids!







OK...NOPE. That's just lying.






Anyway, I am just here to blog as usual since I am taking more time to edit videos that are undone. I got a new subscriber today! Yeah, that makes it 13 subscriber! Hahahaha. Unbelievable. I wonder what would happened if I really loss all the weight and become a total beeyatch. I wonder if that would get me subscriber. Well, enough of this subscriber talking...let's get into the real deal.






HANNAH MONTANA WILL BE A MOVIE!






Yeah! April Tenth is the date! I can't wait! I LOVE Hannah Montana and I know that I am not suppose to but whatever. I love the series to bits and would buy the series if it ever comes out in dvd or vcd. It's awesome. The series, I mean.


So, anyone joining me?



Anyway, I went out after the whole CNY celebration in school. The three of us (Isabella, Christine and me) were pretty much a gloomy bunch. I don't know why, but we were kind of tired I guess. I knew I was because I was sick the day before. I finally got to have the opprtunity to go to Christine's house. It's nice. There were baby and toddlers photo around. I got to see a glimpse of Christine's childhood and man, she really have grown. She was such a cute girl although she did look like a boy sometime but what the heck, She's a true beauty now. And her siblings too....pretty. It's like (Isabella and I discussed) they were on their own league. No competition. Unlike my sister and I. We look so similar that if we dress the same, we're practically twins. And I am always the one looked over. My sister is always the pretty one and she denies it. That makes her humble too. And that leaves me with more to fight with.



Anyway, I love my sister to bits and it's sad that I get jealous like this. But I am only human.






So that's about it.....





WAIT.







Twilight sequel has be dated to premier by this year. Well, the end of the year. I cannot wait! I hope it is much better than TWILIGHT.










Got to go. SEE YA ALL IN SCHOOL.