It has absolutely been a long while.
I don’t even know when my last entry was.
So how am I?
So far, things have been great. A little stagnant but rather
that than any chaos I can’t handle.
I’m typically drama-free the past few months and the only
drama I am getting is probably from TV series or from some reality tv that I am
so hooked on.
I haven’t had a boyfriend yet and I am not intending to.
I have a secret to share and …I hope you don’t judge me.
I have this guy that I am talking to. He’s from Australia….
And we got to know each other through the app Okcupid. It’s
been a while since I got to know him (I think it’s almost 2 years) and we’ve
talked and skype a couple of times.
There were a couple of times that we were some sort of ‘intimate’
with this guy and I regret it every time I succumb to it. I don’t know if it’s
guilt from how I was brought up or guilt from being intimate with someone whom
I don’t even know.
It kinds of makes me feel like I’m cheap…and so dirty.
But he’s been nice as well. I mean, if I said no, he wouldn’t
push it and I feel good. But because of this ‘intimate’ moment, it kind of
scare me a little to meet him in real life. I don’t want to view like an
object, you know?
Still, this could all be in my brain.
He have come and gone in Singapore before and suggested to
meet but I got so freaked out that I deliberately took overtime at work so I
could avoid meeting him and not lie to him.
What is wrong with me?
I think the root of the cause could be that…I just don’t
want to lose my viginity so easily. Granted I am 27 and it’s about high time,
but I just feel fear.
As much as I am a normal woman with horny needs, I have a
fear of having a baby. Recent events have brought to life how big of a fear it
is.
And also, as much as I AM A CONFIDENT woman, I have so much
issue with my body. I don’t love it and I don’t see myself being able to strip
naked and let the guy love my body.
I don’t know what to do.
He has suggested that I go to Australia and he could show me
around and that seem pretty convenient too as I am planning to travel alone. He
doesn’t seem to have any malicious intention so far.
I don’t know. This is hard.
Anyways, talk about having no drama in my life. Ha ha.
