It’s the end of school. The end of hard work. The end of stress. Not. This is like summer break and I guess it is somehow true. It’s summer all year round in Singapore. Jealous? Don’t be. It’s not exactly fun. Like how summer should be. I did not attend school today as my illness really got the better of me; I have been trying to self heal and not seek doctor’s treatment, I really could not hold back the pain and decided it was time to go to the doctor for some medicine and of course MC. The bloody damn school needs it. I have been reading a lot of blogs lately and I have different response to it. Some blogs are really cool to read because they are really descriptive and interesting. It makes you see a picture instead. I hate blogs that are so difficult to read. Blogs that does not make sense. Why write something that does not make sense at all? Bloggers should know that blogs are meant for the general public to read. If you make it so difficult to understand, people would be piss. Maybe not. But I definitely am. I am not Sherlock Holmes, you know. I hate trying to read ‘between the lines’. It makes me feel like I am sitting for a test. So, I have found a new crave. It’s called the “House”. It’s a series that just aired in Singapore tonight and I fell in love with it immediately. Isabella has been talking about how she feel she is losing the “zest of life” lately and she’s really stress about it. I guess I have to agree with her. The education system is so systematic. I feel like we’re walking zombies trying to live. But we’re just dead. I need to get away from Singapore. It’s killing. That should be in the news headlines. A new murderer is roaming around; Singapore. I hope that’s the right punctuation. As everybody knows, I have video vlogs on YouTube. Ok, I guess not everyone knows about it. But, just so you know, I have an account and I do make videos. Lately, there have been really little viewers. I am not affected by it but I guess I am affected with what I make. They’re so fake. I realise that I act in my videos. I am trying so hard to be funny. When I don’t have to try because I am funny. I am not boasting. It’s a fact. So next time, I will try to be more real. And not fake it. Or bitch about someone in particular. I cannot believe what ‘she’ has done in the past. She even wrote it in her blog. It was disgusting. So now I bet you think I am hypocritical because I am not making sense. So here’s the deal. Let’s name ‘she’ Dahlia. Dahlia is pretty much a boaster. She gags and gags day long. She’s all about religion but the stupid thing is she does what she criticise and that is smooching a guy and talking about it on her blog. The shitty thing is she is not the only one I know who are hypocrites. There this dude who don’t like girls with short skirts and all. He claims that it’s ridiculous and against our religion. Let’s name this dude Andrew. Well, apparently, he has a gf and he does all the stuff that our religion forbids and post ‘kissy-kissy’ pictures on MySpace. So much for that. Just so you know Andrew, you’re a jackass and you really are on my nerve. Please do not make me hate you because I am on the verge of doing just that. Don’t be so pretentious and act like you’re so religions because if you were,you would know this particula fact that our religion states; holding a girl is just as bad as eating and touching pork. So just stop all your shit. Please. This blog is a bit random but I just have to let it out here. I need people to know. I just like that idea. People knowing me without knowing me. I want to watch Prince Caspian. I have not returned the book (Chronicles of Narnia) and I owe the library more than $5. Oh well. Thanks for reading. Do leave a comment. Haha. That’s what most youtubber say at the end of their videos. Sadly, I am part of the crowd.
Oh by the way, I hit a dead end for my story. If you have any ideas, do contact me at shillluvrsharry@hotmail.com. And please don’t send me some miracle shit. Carla is dead.
I am writing this on Microsoft word so I can just cut and paste. The internet connection is so corrupted with viruses and I am cannot get online. I hate this. So much hatred in me. I should learn how to appreciate. Trying. Oh no. My hands are getting numb.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Friday, May 09, 2008
Chapter 12
The story that Carla was hospitalised was all over the news. Carla could not help but feel a little discomfort at what she’s becoming in the public eyes. It was as if she was someone who was important to everyone when in real truth she was just a normal person with a big craving for Mr. Softee right then. If only the nurse was not really looking into her diet so carefully. Carla was awaken by her friends. Her real friends; friends who would never leave her no matter who she was. They smiled at her and talked about school and their normal life. Vanessa; Kathy’s closest friend compared to the others, was going to audition for some musical movie by Disney. Carla was so happy for her and was sure that she would get the role because she can sing so well and dance way better than Carla could.
“I am so nervous, Carl.” Vanessa said when the others went home; Vanessa was always the last one to leave so she can clear her doubts and have comfort words thrown at her by her closest friend.
“Why? You’re the best, V. There’s nothing to worry about. Just try your best and who knows, you might do what I did; get the co-star to be your boyfriend.” Carla said as she laugh. Then, suddenly, Daniel came in the room with a frown on his face. He looked at Vanessa and nodded his head towards her to acknowledge her presence. Daniel sat down beside Carla and kept quiet.
“Ok, I have got to go. See you tomorrow, Carla.” Vanessa said as she felt uncomfortable in the tension that Daniel was creating. Carla looked at her and waved goodbye until she was out of sight. Once Vanessa was gone, Carla reached out for Daniel’s hand and held it. Suddenly, Daniel looked at Carla with a look of pain as if the words that he was going to say were going to cause him all the energy he had in his body. Carla was getting tense and confused.
“Daniel, what is the matter?” Carla asked as he squeezed Daniel’s hand.
“Carla, they found something in you.”
“What do you mean?” Carla asked as confusion was overflowing in her brain. She could not register anything and suddenly, Daniel’s eyes ware filled with tears.
“Carla, they found that you have...” Daniel could not finish his words and looked away. He was really angry with himself because he was making Carla panic and scared. It was shown through her pretty face. She squeezed Daniel hand but this time she held the tension because she wanted to know. Daniel looked at the pretty face again.
“Carla, you have cancer.”
When Carla heard the words that came out of daniel’s mouth, she felt like laughing. Not because she was crazy but she was sure that Daniel was just fooling around. However, Carla realized that Daniel was looking away and she understood from that moment on that no one would joke about this. Carla was laughing still. Daniel looked at Carla because he was worried about her laughing away. Didn’t she understand that it was not a joke? Daniel grab Carla’s shoulder not unkindly and shook her to reality. Carla stopped laughing. She stared into the face she loved so much and tears were welling up so fast that it dropped in an instant. Daniel hugged Carla.
“Daniel, I am going to die.”
**********************************************************************
Haikal was sitting at his office looking at the documents in front of him. He was feeling tired after all the patient he had seen for that day. He believed in miracle and he knows that if medicine and science, there’s always god to turn to; he tells that to all of his patients. He was an oncologist. He loved his job because this job creates relationship for him easily and have more than just one family. Although sometimes it killed him to see his some of his patients pass away, he always tell himself that this was part of life and it will always have an ending. Haikal was looking at his watch, it was way past his working hours but he still felt the need to go through the files in front of him because he was a doctor who could be there for someone who is in real need. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.
“Come in.” Haikal said. He was a little confuse as he was not expecting anyone to be visiting him especially after his working hours. When the person came in, he was shocked to see Daniel.
“Daniel, please take a seat,” he said as Daniel sat down, “what can I do for you?”
Daniel did not answer him and instead kept silent. Haikal was feeling a little uncomfortable since he was the cause of a couple fighting. He did not know what has gotten into him. Carla looked very young and she may even be less than eighteen but she was so attractive to him and he could not let the opportunity of getting to know her pass. He went with his gut feeling although this time, his gut feeling landed him into trouble.
“I just want to know if there is a chance of her recovering?” Daniel asked. Haikal felt himself in a daze. He had not the slightest clue what Daniel was talking about. He knew that Carla had acute hyperventilation but she should be alright by then. Haikal looked at Daniel with confusion written all over his face.
“Daniel, your girlfriend should be alright. Stop wor....” Haikal stopped mid sentence as he flipped through the new case and realized that Carla was never going to be alright. He could not believe what he seeing. Carla had cancer and it was at the last stage even with chemotherapy, it would not make any difference. Haikal was getting restless and Daniel notice his reaction.
“What is the matter? Haikal, what is wrong with Carla?” Daniel asked as he was getting worried with the look on Haikal’s face.
“Daniel, Carla is on the last stage of cancer. She has 3 more months. That’s with chemo. I am really sorry.”
Daniel felt his heart dropped to the ground. It must have dropped because he could not hear it beating. He was dead. He was sure of it. Daniel felt tears welling up his eyes and he could no longer held them back. Carla had cancer. Carla had three months. Carla is leaving. Daniel broke down. He could not care less about Haikal’s presence there. Daniel could not understand what was happening and he was blabbering nonsense.
“Couldn’t you do anything, Haikal? Carla can’t die. She can’t. She’s only seventeen. There must have been a mistake. Please check. Please Haikal. Please tell me you’re lying.”
“Daniel, there’s really nothing you can do. Nothing I can do. It’s up to god now.”
Daniel wanted to open the door and walk away because he felt that haikal was talking nonsense. God? If there was a god, Carla would not have cancer. Or three months to live. When Daniel turned around, he could not believe that he was looking at the pretty face he love so much. The pretty face was wet with tears and shock. Carla just found out she had no more time.
sorry it took so long for me to update it. I was looking for inspriration people. I am very sad today. Saw and old lady selling tissue and no one was buying. My heart dropped to my stomach. I was feeling sick and sad for her. Stop by to buy her tissue and she smiled. She looked like my grandmother and I felt so bad. Why was she on the streets? She should be resting and enjoying life. Watching Hikmah just like my grandma. But there she was selling tissue. I took out $2 and paid her and didn't ask for change. I wanted to give more. But I do not have enough. I walked away with Raz and Azizah. I could not help myself and tell the gals how I felt about this. Then tears brim my eyes and I cried. I could not control the tears. She was so alone. And her smile. Omg, her smile. I cannot forget it. It was a sincere thank you when I gave her that $2. I am crying now. Omg, what is happening? Where's her children? I wish I could do more. I feel so sad now. PLEASE IF YOU SEE HER IN THE NEAR FUTURE SELLING TISSUE. PLEASE BUY IT FROM HER. Please. I am begging.
The story that Carla was hospitalised was all over the news. Carla could not help but feel a little discomfort at what she’s becoming in the public eyes. It was as if she was someone who was important to everyone when in real truth she was just a normal person with a big craving for Mr. Softee right then. If only the nurse was not really looking into her diet so carefully. Carla was awaken by her friends. Her real friends; friends who would never leave her no matter who she was. They smiled at her and talked about school and their normal life. Vanessa; Kathy’s closest friend compared to the others, was going to audition for some musical movie by Disney. Carla was so happy for her and was sure that she would get the role because she can sing so well and dance way better than Carla could.
“I am so nervous, Carl.” Vanessa said when the others went home; Vanessa was always the last one to leave so she can clear her doubts and have comfort words thrown at her by her closest friend.
“Why? You’re the best, V. There’s nothing to worry about. Just try your best and who knows, you might do what I did; get the co-star to be your boyfriend.” Carla said as she laugh. Then, suddenly, Daniel came in the room with a frown on his face. He looked at Vanessa and nodded his head towards her to acknowledge her presence. Daniel sat down beside Carla and kept quiet.
“Ok, I have got to go. See you tomorrow, Carla.” Vanessa said as she felt uncomfortable in the tension that Daniel was creating. Carla looked at her and waved goodbye until she was out of sight. Once Vanessa was gone, Carla reached out for Daniel’s hand and held it. Suddenly, Daniel looked at Carla with a look of pain as if the words that he was going to say were going to cause him all the energy he had in his body. Carla was getting tense and confused.
“Daniel, what is the matter?” Carla asked as he squeezed Daniel’s hand.
“Carla, they found something in you.”
“What do you mean?” Carla asked as confusion was overflowing in her brain. She could not register anything and suddenly, Daniel’s eyes ware filled with tears.
“Carla, they found that you have...” Daniel could not finish his words and looked away. He was really angry with himself because he was making Carla panic and scared. It was shown through her pretty face. She squeezed Daniel hand but this time she held the tension because she wanted to know. Daniel looked at the pretty face again.
“Carla, you have cancer.”
When Carla heard the words that came out of daniel’s mouth, she felt like laughing. Not because she was crazy but she was sure that Daniel was just fooling around. However, Carla realized that Daniel was looking away and she understood from that moment on that no one would joke about this. Carla was laughing still. Daniel looked at Carla because he was worried about her laughing away. Didn’t she understand that it was not a joke? Daniel grab Carla’s shoulder not unkindly and shook her to reality. Carla stopped laughing. She stared into the face she loved so much and tears were welling up so fast that it dropped in an instant. Daniel hugged Carla.
“Daniel, I am going to die.”
**********************************************************************
Haikal was sitting at his office looking at the documents in front of him. He was feeling tired after all the patient he had seen for that day. He believed in miracle and he knows that if medicine and science, there’s always god to turn to; he tells that to all of his patients. He was an oncologist. He loved his job because this job creates relationship for him easily and have more than just one family. Although sometimes it killed him to see his some of his patients pass away, he always tell himself that this was part of life and it will always have an ending. Haikal was looking at his watch, it was way past his working hours but he still felt the need to go through the files in front of him because he was a doctor who could be there for someone who is in real need. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.
“Come in.” Haikal said. He was a little confuse as he was not expecting anyone to be visiting him especially after his working hours. When the person came in, he was shocked to see Daniel.
“Daniel, please take a seat,” he said as Daniel sat down, “what can I do for you?”
Daniel did not answer him and instead kept silent. Haikal was feeling a little uncomfortable since he was the cause of a couple fighting. He did not know what has gotten into him. Carla looked very young and she may even be less than eighteen but she was so attractive to him and he could not let the opportunity of getting to know her pass. He went with his gut feeling although this time, his gut feeling landed him into trouble.
“I just want to know if there is a chance of her recovering?” Daniel asked. Haikal felt himself in a daze. He had not the slightest clue what Daniel was talking about. He knew that Carla had acute hyperventilation but she should be alright by then. Haikal looked at Daniel with confusion written all over his face.
“Daniel, your girlfriend should be alright. Stop wor....” Haikal stopped mid sentence as he flipped through the new case and realized that Carla was never going to be alright. He could not believe what he seeing. Carla had cancer and it was at the last stage even with chemotherapy, it would not make any difference. Haikal was getting restless and Daniel notice his reaction.
“What is the matter? Haikal, what is wrong with Carla?” Daniel asked as he was getting worried with the look on Haikal’s face.
“Daniel, Carla is on the last stage of cancer. She has 3 more months. That’s with chemo. I am really sorry.”
Daniel felt his heart dropped to the ground. It must have dropped because he could not hear it beating. He was dead. He was sure of it. Daniel felt tears welling up his eyes and he could no longer held them back. Carla had cancer. Carla had three months. Carla is leaving. Daniel broke down. He could not care less about Haikal’s presence there. Daniel could not understand what was happening and he was blabbering nonsense.
“Couldn’t you do anything, Haikal? Carla can’t die. She can’t. She’s only seventeen. There must have been a mistake. Please check. Please Haikal. Please tell me you’re lying.”
“Daniel, there’s really nothing you can do. Nothing I can do. It’s up to god now.”
Daniel wanted to open the door and walk away because he felt that haikal was talking nonsense. God? If there was a god, Carla would not have cancer. Or three months to live. When Daniel turned around, he could not believe that he was looking at the pretty face he love so much. The pretty face was wet with tears and shock. Carla just found out she had no more time.
sorry it took so long for me to update it. I was looking for inspriration people. I am very sad today. Saw and old lady selling tissue and no one was buying. My heart dropped to my stomach. I was feeling sick and sad for her. Stop by to buy her tissue and she smiled. She looked like my grandmother and I felt so bad. Why was she on the streets? She should be resting and enjoying life. Watching Hikmah just like my grandma. But there she was selling tissue. I took out $2 and paid her and didn't ask for change. I wanted to give more. But I do not have enough. I walked away with Raz and Azizah. I could not help myself and tell the gals how I felt about this. Then tears brim my eyes and I cried. I could not control the tears. She was so alone. And her smile. Omg, her smile. I cannot forget it. It was a sincere thank you when I gave her that $2. I am crying now. Omg, what is happening? Where's her children? I wish I could do more. I feel so sad now. PLEASE IF YOU SEE HER IN THE NEAR FUTURE SELLING TISSUE. PLEASE BUY IT FROM HER. Please. I am begging.
Friday, May 02, 2008
Have you felt like someone made a mistake and you understand but you just can't forgive? You don't know how to say it. You want some time. Because you don't understand how you come to terms with it and why when you felt so hurt by it. I don't want to stay mad at you. But I am hurt by it. I understand. But I don't get why I am reacting so coldly. Maybe I am still mad. Sorry, I am just worried. I have to go to the doc to ask for that stupid letter. Hope I get it. It's a ticket to get out of being debarred. I am just confuse.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
So...it's been awhile since I last updated this blog. So for those who said my blog is gone because I have been Vlogging...well no. It's still here and it will, forever, be deeper than my vlogs because I tend to tell REAL stuff in here. I just let it all out. So how have I been? Not soo good. I realize I am getting sicker and might just die soon. So anyone wanna wish me anything, now would be the time. To all my friends out there... I have already uploaded the YOUTUBE videos we made... So if you guys wanna here's the link...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i15sXfK1t3M
So...I haven't been in school again and I hope I don't get debarred because I do have MC this time and if I do get DEBARRED, I am soooo bringing this to the MINISTRY. I hate it. Anyways, I am feeling bad emotionally and that's not something new. Just got back my Lit test paper back and I am doing bad. Haiz. I really need help and I am not getting any. Really am going bonkers.
I wish everyday was the day when we make good choices and it turn out well. I really might just die.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i15sXfK1t3M
So...I haven't been in school again and I hope I don't get debarred because I do have MC this time and if I do get DEBARRED, I am soooo bringing this to the MINISTRY. I hate it. Anyways, I am feeling bad emotionally and that's not something new. Just got back my Lit test paper back and I am doing bad. Haiz. I really need help and I am not getting any. Really am going bonkers.
I wish everyday was the day when we make good choices and it turn out well. I really might just die.
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