I hAte LiFe BuT i DoN't WaNnA dIe!: May 2013

Sigh.

That's the thing I have been doing the past few days.

Just sighing because it's all down hill from now.

like Jack... From Jack and Jill... like tumbling down the damn hill. Looking at my previous post, I just feel like ripping it off but I, obviously, can't. What's with the computer being solid and unbreakable unless I have a real fit.

I feel like taking it down but then again, it was me feeling genuinely happy for myself and me looking forward for something great.

He hasn't been in contact with me since last Tuesday and I am feeling a bit cheated. I KNOW I am asking too much too soon but what is it with men and me? Why can't they not.... be so hard to understand? I thought women are complicated.... well, so far, men are not that far off from being complex.

Sigh.

I do that after looking at my phone, after I watched a drama, after I drink...even now, after a paragraph.

Thing is, I know it's.... just over. I should be moving on. But then when I do, all I can think, 'but what if he text me again and I am out with another man?'

The answer came just as the question did; I would drop everything and go and meet him.

Cause I like him that much.

Why do I even? Two dates.... and I don't even know him much to be quite honest. I guess when you're alone for too long, even a bit of attention seems to be something out of the ordinary.

But still, I have come to terms that I was looking for a relationship. I was upfront about it in my profile. He knew, I suppose. Maybe not, maybe he didn't know because I know he's not looking for a relationship. I want to just know, right now, why is he doing this?

Why kiss me? Christine, kindly as she always does, said he might have felt bad for me for not contacting me sooner.

Just felt bad. No emotions attached. Just pity for me.

Sigh.

Why can't I just accept this...that he's not where I want him to be? He's not the one that I was waiting for. He's just not.

What he can be, though, is a friend. So why do I repulse that?

Because, I have just started feeling for him the moment he kissed me, the moment everything seem to be going so well.

I want to cry.

I keep giving him excuses that he's really busy and there's no way in hell that he can message me.

But as the reality settles in oh, so violently, Chirstine said to me in the most kindest way, "Even when one is busy.. it doesn't take a lot to just drop a text."

Confession, I did call him.. cause I just wanted to call him and impulse took over. He didn't picked up.

The answer is right there. Right there.

Last Saturday, I told Christine if we ever do set up a date to meet, I am going to kiss him... Now, that I am here with no buzz and some sense, I'll say No, I won't. And if he does make a move, I will....stop him cause if I don't, I might as well dig a grave for myself.

Sigh.

This is getting more dramatic than it should. I hate myself for being like this. I hate this. But yet, I refuse an answer that could possibly set me free from silly daydreams and hopeless hoping.

Sigh.

The worst part of it all... it's not his fault.

The one that holds this fault for me feeling this way...

Is me.

Sigh.....

I am going to blog something happy now.

So, after Ash, I decided that creepy people can be from anywhere, online or real life. If they are creepy, then they are creepy no matter where they are from.

So, I became active at Okcupid again. I decided to massive message people. Of course, reading the profile thoroughly and if they don't have a complete profile, all I think is "wah, creep. so no."

Even the one with very attractive pictures.

And also, I updated my profile and suggested no creeps. But as you know, virtual or real, creepy people would find you.

Not that I got many replies, most of them don't. I think 'cause I wasn't their type although it confuses me sometimes..cause when I read their profile, I am sooo their type.

Anyways, the few replies I had was ok. Some just replied one word and those people who did that were branded "lazy and not worth it" and I ignore them.

One fine day, there I was bored out of my wits and realize that I have not been checking my okcupid and thought I might have a few replies. I did and even better, I had a few messages. So, I was excited and I checked some of them.

To my disappointment, I had a lot of people who messaged me and are like a few thousand kilometers away.

I must say that my profile is very very popular with Indians. I get tons of messages from them, and they're the nicest one to me but as we chat, you know they are still thousand of miles away.

So all those people not from Singapore, in my brain is branded "sorry, too far.". When I do reply them and say that it's not possible for anything, they become very weird saying things like, "You're a whore! only want handsome man! fuck you bitch."

So I was like, umm ok.

So as I scroll up, there was one new message from this western looking man and before I open, all I thought was "walau eh. Why so many overseas people? Didn't I say I want to DATE???"

Still, I open the message. And the message was about an explanation why guys prefer meeting you rather than talking on the phone. It was pretty interesting...but it kinda ticked me off due to the fact that I like talking on the phone first then meeting up cause if you don't, what if you can't get along when you meet. At least, after the phone chat, you would kinda know if you could click.

But then again, after that Puerto Rican dude, if you're not going to like what you see, awkwardness will happen.

I also noted that he said I was cute. So because of that, I replied. And I thought that was that because honestly, his message was just explaining why men prefer to meet and he kinda ended the message saying "nice to meet you." and according to the book; he's just not that into you, when a guy say that, usually it means that well.....he not into dating you.

So with that knowledge, I moved forward and beyond!

Then, a few days later, I checked the mailbox again and there he was. So he said no worries and said he liked the joke I posted on my profile and asked what do Singaporean girls looked for in a man as he just moved here a couple of weeks ago.

So this time, I went to his profile and sure enough, his location is in SG and I read his profile. So while I was reading, the things that made me smile was the fact that he stated he smile all the time. Isn't that great? Someone positive as well.

His profile was interesting too, he traveled a lot and me, the one that is contented here, thought why not, huh? Ang Moh say I am cute, sia...

So I replied him the following:

you just moved here? I bet, well, I know, most of the girls are fawning over you.

Since you're all "ang moh" and all...LOL.

Well, I don't know...I like to think I am different from the generalized term of a 'singaporean girl' hence, my hopes and dreams of a knight in shining armor is different.

I am simple. As long as he doesn't smell and is presentable when it comes to dressing, I would love to know you.

And of course, someone who can actually talk to me and not be embarrassed to be around me.

and laughs at my jokes.

Nice one, right? Hahahaha... I know, it's flirtatious. But well, it's a dating website guys.

Then he replied the following:

Haha well that has definitely not been my experience so far!

What is a "ang moh"?

Do a lot of people here smell because it is too hot all the time? hehe jk

But what about personality? I take it that this 'knight' would have to be different/interesting/unusual right?

Unfortunately I have been told by my friends many times that I have no fashion sense...

Ok test, tell me a joke (then I promise I will tell you one of mine).

Well, now he's kind of is flirting back. or not? But I thought he was so I thought...Not bad, seh.. So, I replied and NO, you guys, I won't show anymore messages between us. Privacy please. HEH. What you need to know is that I asked for his number because he's replying me almost instantly and I thought it best for us to just start texting or talking.

And he gave me his number and we started texting.

Here's the major difference between his text and messages; he replies very very slowly. That sucks. I check my phone like mad....

so, you can tell from all our conversation online, I was getting attracted. Typical of Shilla. No biggie. Then one day at work, after almost the day gone, he replied one of my message and said he was at home doing nothing and since I am at work doing nothing ( the dentist was done for the day) I asked if I could call and he said sure...and I did!

And we chatted.

And it was so fun because we didn't have any ICE between us and we just talked. So we started chatting and I asked him how he finds Singapore so far. He said, it's huge... I said it's not. Then I asked if he had already gone shopping cause I told him that expat gets rip off quite easily and told him to be careful and shop at places more heartlands instead of orchard.

Then I asked for his birthday.

His said "September".

I said "No way. Mine as well. What Year?"

He said "1988"

I said "Holy shit, me too! what date?"

He said "The 13th" and I was like "@!$@#%$^%&@#$%#$%&$% that's just 10 days before mine". He laughed and I was excited, I was thinking...wow fate sia...

Then I think we flirted a bit cause I said it's the first time I am talking to a guy from Okcupid who is older than me, and he said he usually dates girl who are older than him and then I said he should try dating younger girls. He said that he definitely would.

Then after awhile, I had to get back to work and we hung up. I didn't text him... he texted me first and said hope I didn't get in trouble cause I told him I was calling him on working hours. (if my boss finds my blog, totally screwed man.)

I reassured him that I wanted to get fired anyways and not to worry. Then we texted for a while...Until I went to the gym, he texted if I was available to meet that very weekend.

I said ok, of course! Then I got eager and was looking forward to meeting this guy because I really wanted to see him and also, I just want to get over it. I mean, he might not be interested after he sees me because, I do look better in picture and slimmer as well. So. Yeah.

I have fat insecurities issue, people.

So the day before, there was Ukiss concert but I still text him but it was slow messaging and wanted to reconfirm that we are meeting but no replies even when he did, the replies were not really answering me, if you know what I mean?

So the next day, I woke up to a text and said that he was attending to his dad's friends and have been drinking to the wee hours of the morning watching rugby. So, I tried to check with him if he still wanted to meet but I still dress up even though it might be cancelled. We were suppose to meet at 10 due to Oblivion (boring movie) was playing at 1030.

He texted me at 1015 and said if it was ok for us to meet a little later at noon. I, of course, said it was fine. I was already dress up and told my sister excitedly that it was STILL ON!

So I went and I was late as I estimated the time really badly and while I was at Boon Keng, he was already at Dhoby Ghaut, I was like "Shitttttttt"

Then when I was at Dhoby Ghaut, my heart started pumping so hard. You have to understand I have been watching catfish recently and all I could think was what if he's not who he is and and I called him and then this guy seem to be picking up and went ahead to him and thought "oh, he's local.".

But then when the dude started talking, my phone was still ringing and I turned away, embarrassed. When Mack picked up I asked him where he was and he said "I thought I am suppose to meet you at the red line and I think I am lost."

LOL, lost in Dhoby Ghaut.

So I picked him up and he is really who he says he was and my fears went away. We hugged it out and started talking straight away. No awkwardness and I asked if he wants to have lunch, as I already did. Then he said yes... And I brought him to yoshinoya.

Holy, I forgotten that he loves Japanese food and have tasted authentic Japanese food. He only mentioned this again after he bought the food. HEH.

I asked him how it was as I felt a tinge of guilt and he said "not bad" then he reached for the miso soup and I was like "@!@#$%^$&^*^& if you're going to drink that and you have tasted authentic miso soup, that will not be great."

He still drank it and said "Not bad." I probably had a weird face on cause he said "not bad means it's good." I told him he was just being nice, he nodded and we laughed.

So after lunch, we walked around PS... and I told him the original plan was for us to walk to LIDO as I wanted to show him Orchard but it was raining. He said he didn't mind abit of rain and we walked! In the rain.

Romantic sia.

And so we talked some more, the coolest part about talking to him is that he loves to slip in that he's been here and there as if it's no big deal. And there I was,"you've been there!!"

We talked about taxes as well and little of singapore history.

He said that the people who was defending Singapore was mostly made out of Aussies and Kiwis. I didn't know this and I said on behalf of Singapore, Thank you. He said, yeah sure. It was funny... you guys.

It was fun, the date. He tried to buy me stuff... he bought me cupcake and we flirted. Definitely did alot of that.

And even at the end, it seems like we didn't want to part. I didn't want to part so I said I would take the same train with him as it would bounce and there are alot of people going my way anyways... Yeah, right. I just wanted to stay a little longer.

Then, he asked me if I wanted to look around the place... Look around vivo and before that he told me he needed to cook dinner for his dad and I mention this, he said he'll call his dad and checked..after a while everything was sorted and we were going to spend more time.

It was nice but the amount of people that just keep staring at me, man, that was uncomfortable. But well, we chatted and had alot of fun!

As it went by, I wanted him to know that I appreciated his time and the date have been so much fun. So I looked him in the eye and said "I am really glad we did this. This have been so much fun." I didn't know that heart rate would quicken and I could feel my face warming up.

Then his reply set me at ease, "Yeah, it's been fun and I am glad we did this. We should do this again sometime. Maybe Tuesday?"

I was like, SCORE! Then we made a date again and set it tuesday and parted.

Hugging again.

Then, he started his job and totally replied me really really late. As you guys know, when I am attracted to someone, I tend to be a little crazy. and clingy and I replayed the date over and over and I don't know what happened but I just feel like he doesn't like me anymore, he was just playing an oscar role. We were so great together. DAMN IT.

But he did replied and told me he was busy. Very busy with work. And I was paranoid... So I started to act up and my friends (the greatest beings of the world. so great they should have been superheroes.) told me to calm my tits and said that the both of us were not obligated towards each other. I was quite sad because this was true. I wanted to be obligated to him to just date him...

BUT I ONLY MET HIM ONE TIME.

The waiting thing was driving me crazy and my friends could see I was getting crazy and told me to find other people to date and stop being such a creep and clingy.

Then last saturday, he texted me at around 8pm and asked if I wanted to hangout because he has the night available from work. And that night I just fought with the whole family cause they wanted to go to Malaysia..and not spent time as a family. So I said yeah and met up with him.

This time he was late. So we're even.

When we met, first thing I said was "YOU'RE ALIVE!!" He laughed and we went to the top garden at vivo. He bought me a drink.

A non alcoholic one, guys. RIBENA.

Then, I realized that I really missed him cause I just wanted to stay and talk to him even when there's nothing to talk about. We just kept on talking and He told me about his week and he asked what I've been doing. I told him I was stalking him on FB and everywhere else. He laughed and didn't seem to be bothered. Then he said that he was working the next day (Sunday) but would be done by 3pm and asked if I wanted to go for a drive around. Of course, I said Yes. Anything to just spent time together, right?

Then after we agreed we walked around the deck and talk some more and he even told me of one pick line. It was funny... I looked at my watch and saw the time---->10.45 pm. Clearly time to go home..

Mack: Home time?
Me: Uh....I don't want to go home. I haven't been able to talk to you lately. (abit whiney here.)
Mack: Well, we can walk around, you don't have to go home. yet.

So we did. And we found another spot to sit.. It was grassed and under a tree.

I almost broke out into a musical.

But I didn't.

So we sat and he told me about his friend who is in love with this japanese girl but he thinks that the girl have already friendzone him. His friend wanted to reveal his feelings to her but Mack said that in the Japanese culture, the guy shouldn't do that. It will kinda show that he was weak. Mack also suggested if nothing was going to happen, he told his friend to just move on as he's already friendzone.

Me: Well, before he does that, tell him that I say to screw with the culture difference and just tell her how he feels to her.

Mack: You reckon he should?

Me: Yeah. A girls a girl. We won't say anything. All you guys have to do is make the first move. So just tell him to tell her.

Then... We talk abit and the his hand kind of caressed my head and he said...

Mack: I am sorry but I just wanted to do this.

THEN HE KISSED ME. ON THE CHEEK.

I was caught so of guard and just stared ahead and I could feel my face breaking into a smile(like exactly this moment while typing)

Me: whhhhhhhhaaaaaattttttttt?

Mack: I know. I wanted to do that. I just needed a way in.

Hahahaha... We talked after that.

For the first time, I know for sure that this dude like me as well and was just as attracted to me too. So I am totally calm afterwards. We were on the same page. It feels good, honestly.

He is very bad at texting and we missed our date on sunday due to he was held up in malaysia and just got back to singapore this morning. He said he'll explain later as he was too tired and slept.

I feel good, guys, I am not constantly checking my phone and I am not waiting because I KNOW he likes me and he's just busy. So if we meet again, we meet again and have more fun.

Maybe even a kiss. A real one.

Thanks for reading.

Truly,

A really happy me.

I hAte LiFe BuT i DoN't WaNnA dIe!

Tuesday, May 28, 2013

Life is just too hard.

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

Drama

Friday, May 17, 2013

At a loss.

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Maybe, I shouldn't have

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Well, now... The answer

Monday, May 13, 2013

Sigh.

Monday, May 06, 2013

Um... a true story