Today...I feel like .... Telling you something.

Today was a day that seriously made me think alot. (it happens when I meet with Isabella).... I feel like telling you guys something.

Confessing to you how lonely I feel.

Let's make this a confession.

I confess that I, Roshilla, feel super alone and sometimes I do blame God for it. At other times, I blame myself for it. There was a time I remember being surrounded by people I love and by a man/boy I truly was in love with. Now, time have pass and it seems I am stuck in a place where the roller coaster have not yet stopped. It feels like I am having some mid life crisis that I don't even know is going on.

I am becoming desperate and thoughtless. Becoming more vulnerable and becoming more greedy. I confess that the need to fall in love for me right now have become something of an obsession. I keep thinking, dreaming and fantasizing about being in love.

Maybe because I know how it feels to be in love. To be with someone who loves you is really something to look forward to if you don't have it and something to cherish if you do. The knowledge of this feeling is somewhat a curse to me. Since I know, I look forward to it with pure anticipation only to be disappointed again and again. To be crushed into a million pieces and fixing myself seem to be a routine that I go through without regret. It's crazy. But, I still do it. Maybe I am going to be sent to the mental hospital soon.

Would having a guy make a difference in my life? No. But to have a love would make a difference in my life. I don't think I would be so tortured. or feel like I am being tortured. I would admit that I think having love come back to me make me complete. I will cherish it...because it's like a crystal; so beautiful but so fragile (somebody scream cheese!)

I want it so badly. I want to fall in love. I want someone to love me back. I confess that I have said this so many times that some may say I am just saying this. But, I am so horribly lonely. So horribly desperate. I want t get out of this water trying to drown me.

I confess, with all this rejection, I might be alone forever. It's so crazy and hurtful but somehow it's something I seem to prepare myself for.

But....there's a passion of mine that keep me out of the thought of love. My passion to sing. It's the only salvation I have for the moment. It's the only thing that make me not want to think about my lonliness. In singing, I find joy....in singing, I find love.

I listen to "Quasimodo" by SHINee and it hurts so bad because unlike the character Quasimodo, I don't have anyone that I feel intensely about. I can't even cry for someone. I don't even have somebody to love in that special way. I don't even understand why I cried when I hear the song, maybe because, I once felt that way for someone.

Haiz...I confess today.

"Even if it hurts, even if you make me cry, I love you."

- Onew (Quasimodo)