THE NO DIFFERENCE

It's not different to feel depression and to keep hearing happy song that sing to you about a guy who is the one you want to be with than to just keep on feeling depressed and sitting alone in your room, helpless.

It makes you want to cry.
Cuddle yourself because you cannot find anyone who would understand this pain.
YOU don't even understand this pain you're going through.
You don't understand why you're listening to song that just keep on making the cut deeper than it already is.
You just don't and you try not to cry.
Hold it back, hold it back, please don't fall.
You keep thinking that.
Because you know, once the first tears fall and roll down your cheeks, there is no stopping it.

I just wish sometimes that I don't feel thiss feeling of depression. Or lonliness.
This feeling is so overwhelming. It makes me feel that my worst nightmare have come true.
Being alone all my life.
I don't know how not feel this way and be ok again.
People have told me to just cry...to just let it go. To feel the pain.
Once it's over, it's going to be fine.

But it's not.
It just keep coming back.
Like a ghost waiting in the shadows.

I hate it when my blog is like this. Like I am drowning in the waters and making this all dark. I want to be me again. The happy me. The one who doesn't care of what others think of her. The one who has her feet up off the ground. The one who don't need to feel the love of a man to make her feel whole. The one with no longing.
The one that was free from pain and hurt. The one who TRIED to be happy somehow.

I can't find her.
And this is not even my birthday.
I hope on my birthday, it's not like this.
I don't want to have any more birthday blues.
I don't want to feel like this.

I just wish I never have fallen in love.
Then I wouldn't know how great and powerful it is to care for someone so much and knowing that he does for me too. I wouldn't know what it's like to be heartbroken when I lose that person.
How can wanting this be so bad and yet I cannot do anything about it?

Am I too picky? or is it because...it's me?
It's so confusing when I try to logic this out.
There seem to be no logic.
And I am losing patience trying to find.
I just want to be found.


Again, it just seem to be too much to ask.