I have become quite jaded

I don't know if it's the lacklustre love life that I have or just how the whole god damn world is just so chaotic right now.

Seriously, flights crashing over and over again, the war in Gaza due to land, power and two religions that have probably have more similar ideologies than they do difference and so many other fuck up things that just continue to happen with no future of stopping.

How do one find love?

Or even think about finding love?

I have been quite a cynic nowadays with my opinions about love, boyfriends and everything that has anything to do with the former.

It probably is because I have been trying to look for it for quite sometime, thinking that, hey, I am being proactive and this is what I should have done ages ago.

Now, here I am, as single as ever.

Nothing but bad things just happened when I try to find this "love/companionship". Being so green about the whole thing, you can't stop people from trying to take advantage of you and if you show the  slightest sign of your insecurities, they will not hesitate to just try to break you down.

Why do people do this? Why destroy someone who they are clearly not attracted to and just try to ruin them? WHY?

What is the pleasure in being in control all the fucking time. What is the thrill in reigning over someone.

What is the pleasure of leading someone one and just dropping them like they're nothing.

This is probably just my hormones talking because I never blog like this.

This just seem like a very rationale thought right now.

It's my blog, so screw you.

Hanging out with the girls (Sunday #2)

I hung with my beautiful ladies today.

The plan was to meet every sunday and just hang out with each other. I initially cancelled the plan but Isabella messaged and I really missed them and decided to join them.

We decided to eat something decent this time cause the last time was Mcdonalds  and we didn't want to have that yet again... so it was Pastamania.

I know, not the best pasta in town but it was within our budget as broke people and we had our fill (but right now, I am seriously hungry again.)

One topic was about feminism and I remember the topic got really intense but thats us and I love that about my friends. We put our opinions out on the table and discuss it, we would challenge each other but not disrespect our output.

Most of the time when I have this type of discussions, I usually have a different outlook on how I view things.  It opens my mind a little.

We had desert after dinner and went for beer right after. I drank this cranberry beer that tasted so good.

I know, it's a girt's drink but it really does taste quite awesome.


Here are some pictures we took before drinking... My girls and their selfies. Loves.

What a long time since I blog comfortably on a laptop. That's right guys, I have finally bought myself a new laptop.

But not just any laptop; it's the new july refreshed 13' inch macbook pro.

The journey to this moment was not an easy feat I must say, it includes a lot of sacrifice and also a lot  time slogging at work.

Guys, the overtime I had to do, it was absolutely ridiculous but here I am, writing this blog as comfortably as I can and not using my iPod.

On that note, I am thinking of getting a NEW iPod for my birthday and also a disc slot for this macbook as it does not have any cd compartment and I have ALOT of music.

Back to subject, I went out today with my sister (since pay was already in) at around 1:30 pm and went to my work place first to collect a bag I bought from my colleague. The bag was simply splendid but one disappointment was finding that it did not have a laptop compartment that I thought I saw in the picture. However, the bag was simply too cute and it's in a turquoise and I absolutely adored it.

Also, it matched my outfit today.

Fast forward, my sister and I proceeded to Paragon Mall at Orchard and bought the Macbook Pro. I wanted it to have a longer story but that didn't happen. I knew what I wanted and told the sales person and I was done in 5 minutes.

At the cashier though, my heart beat went faster cause I was so scared that the card might get rejected (a fear I always seem to have when I am purchasing stuff that happens to be in the thousands) but my card manage to pull it through and viola!

I used to use the 1st generation Macbook White and it was damage early 2012, it was on borrowed time.

As you can clearly see, this is a really old Macbook... well adios.

Here's the new MacBook Pro

it's pretty dope owning this laptop. 

all my hard work fruition. 

I will be making a Vlog soon and be talking about this Macbook and the future contents...

LOVES IT!

The group of friends I have

I met my girls today after so long not meeting them. 

When I say so long it probably means that we have not met in one month. It might not seem long for some but it's tremendously excruciating not to see them in just a week. 

There was so much that we caught up today. I have not seen my dearest friend, Razia, in so long and it was great to meet her again. She's finally graduated from university and have entered real life. Since the last I met Razia, she has become more gutsy now which is pretty cool to see her evolve into. Ah.. I really do miss this friend so dearly. 

All of us, Isabella, Christine, Champa, Liyana and Razia were laughing merrily as we talk about the past and how it used to be. And the future and how grim it all looks. The present that have a few exciting journey for some *ahemchampaahem* of us. 

Also, realizing all of us are bipolar since we have extreme high highs conversation and low lows stoning. Hahahah.

I just am so glad that they are apart of my life because they accept me just like this and love just as I am. I really don't know what I do if I ever lose them. 

What has been going on?

Can you guys believe that June is already ending and we have journeyed into half of 2014?

It's crazy because its moving on so fast and I feel like I need to catch my breath. 

It's been a good year. I know I have complain about my work but honestly, this is the best work place I have ever even in. 

I realized that if you have an issue with someone, it's best to talk it out with that person and you will feel better and you're relationship with that person will get better. 

And it did for me. I am good with EVERYONE at work. So ignore my rants about unfairness. 

I have grown mature. 

Or at least, getting wiser. 

I do hope you guys would have a blast in July! 

Unjust moment

How do we all handle unjust moments?

I know how handle it. 

By keeping quiet and let it all just be. 

I am such a coward and such a people pleaser. 

it has become such a bad condition that i just sit down rummaging through my  brain trying to understand the reason why they have unjustly extend my probation period. 

And the reason is very very unjust. 

It boggles my mind because they told me I have a condescending tone but the thing is, I work around people who have condescending tone and yet see where they are. 

A freaking supervisor. 

It's unbelievable. I don't have any complaints against me and I don't have any product knowledge issue. 

It's so unjust and unfair. 

But hey, we are living in a world where we just kiss people asses, right?

I wish I could just stop doing that.  

Well, it has been awhile.

It has been quite some time since I last blog about anything at all.

We just entered the new year and everybody is buzzing about resolution. If you're curious what mine is, don't be. 

I don't have any resolution. 

I have become one of those who knows that she would probably just not ever make her resolution happen. It is just jinx. 

I know a lot of people would say; "you have to put your mind in it. Mind over matter." 

Well, screw you. It ain't easy and it will never be easy. 

Geez, I sound so negative. 

I don't know. Must be the hormones. 

Making a family

Isn't that so terrifying?

I have had conversation with my colleagues who are married. The ones who have kids and the ones who WANTS kids...

That's all they want. Even those who just got married.

I don't know... but I am kind of taken aback with this notion because, well, I don't really want kids at all. It's a scary thought trying to have a family. Maybe it's because of my youthful age or my youthful thinking. I don't really adore kids but I know I can be good to them.

It's just that how do I pass on what I believe in to my child? and is what I believe even correct or just plain arrogance in this society? I don't know, I just think that having a baby is more than just wanting something cute and fun.

Babies are no fun at all. They scream for attention and you can do nothing but just give it to them. Another thing is soreness of your breast when you breast feed...

It's look very self centered after writting this down and seeing it in black and white instead of it just twirling around my head.

It's just a very fearful thing.

and also not to mention my irrational fear of giving birth.

A Good Day

I don't know why but I am feeling so happy today. I am smiling and just having a lot of fun even though I am doing nothing at all.

I thought I blog about this moment so that my blog is all that depressing, haha.

So how is everybody doing today? I hope the sun is shining (even though it's raining.) and making you smile.

Even only if for awhile.

I am easy

So why?

Why do I get attached to a person so easily? Why do I fumbled, fall, trip, blush at the small amount of attention a guy gives to me?

I miss him so much today. That 2 days that we have spent time together comes in as memories that I just can't help but think about.

Christine have told me that I attach myself to fast on people. Most of my friends/sister probably tire when I talk about him again. And again.

Is it because I don't love myself that's why I am missing him? Am I really that easy to be attracted?

I am sure he doesn't even think about it. Or about me. So why am I thinking about him... About how he bought me cupcake, about how we talked about everything in less than a few hours.

About how he turned back when I was walking towards the top machine and said "Wow, are you following me now? The date must have gone better than I thought."

It was a fantastic 2 dates although it was not lavish or anything of that sort.

I still wished we met one last time before you got scared as for the 2 times... wasn't enough for me.

I feel pity for myself. That is all this is.

Mama's Boy

I have thought about this a lot lately and I use to cringe at the thought.

When someone point out that someone is a "mama's boy" I envisioned that someone who is protected by a monster of a woman who wants nobody else in his life and make choices for him and HIM being a-okay with that.

but I guess that is a very stereotypical thinking and I, somehow, realize that mama's boys might be someone I might like. Even though, my relationship with my mother is not great.

Long long time now

Yo.

How is everybody doing? I hope peeps are fine and I am doing well if, you know, any of you wondered.

So today post is undecided. Let's just start.

Looks has, somehow, seem  not much of a criteria for me. I fall almost easily and it's easy to play with my feelings if you knew me close enough. The problem with me is that I want to fall in love so bad that requirements are flown out the window.

If you're male, that's good enough for me.

Oh boy, wasn't that stupid? I settled for anything and wanted something out of nothing. It was like a downward spiral of just desperation and a big hole that just keep sucking me in.

Why do I my post always talk about me and falling in love... so far nothing have worked out. SO why?

To be quite honest, I don't know. Being in love is some sort of magic that we created, I suppose. Who isn't jealous looking at couples being lovey dovey? holding each other? talking to each other... etc etc.

As you all know, weight is an issue for all the guys I liked....except for that New Zealand dude that briefly dated me- he had an issue with my blog about him...I kinda miss him though.

They have a problem with it and it makes me want to lose weight cause I like them so much and if they just give me a chance, they would have known... but then I fall off the wagon and they're disgusted.
They get disgusted with my weight. My WEIGHT. MY BODY.

And whatever I had been showing from the inside, whatever my character...it's never taken into account.

I don't know how many times I've heard that whatever someone have on the outside most probably won't last at all and character is something to be cherish and known.

Are those people not there when all these were said? Or have they not hear it at all? It's just sad.

....

....and just like that we stopped talking

POEM

How long has it been?
It must have been a while.
Conversation struck in between
Never lasted and said goodbye

What did we had?
I must have confused us.
It takes a while
For me to catch my breath
While every truth descends
Slowly upon us.

It was only me
Thinking about you
It was only me
Missing us too
Yeah, My heart was on my sleeve
and I had a lot to give
But you got scared and went away
It is only me now,
Feeling this way.

Losing your name card

It's a wonderful day today... The morning was cool and it was raining.

Made me want to pull on my blankets and continue sleeping, but, obviously, I couldn't do that.

I have a job.

So today, I lost your name card. The one you gave to me when things was looking on the bright side.

I intended it to be a bookmark...and I was missing you...so, I thought, why not, right? You'll never know anyways.

But, whilst I was putting it in the book, I had this feeling that I'll lose it and I thought to myself, if that happens...then, well, fate is trying to show me something.

And I did lost it. Your name card.

I feel like fate is telling me not to miss you and you probably not even thinking about me and I have to see how this life can be amazing without all the guilt and pity I feel for myself.

Hope you are doing well and are not too tired from a busy work schedule. All the best.

Life is just too hard.

Oh....my..... goodness.

It's been a long hard week and I am really tired. It's so hard.. that it's suffocating.

How have you been doing? Things at home are just making me so tired and things at work are not any better.

well....... At least CL mv was the bomb.

"To all my bad girls... and when I mean bad It's not bad but bad as in good." HELL yeah.




LOVE HER SO MUCH LAH.

CL is soooo cool that no other (KPOP) lady can touch her. She just exudes it, you know. Don't even have to try and its so sexy without her being slutty like *coughhyunacough*.

I can't wait! I am a Gizibae!

Drama

It's been a long week.

And everything is laid out here for me to see.

I can't believe that you just want this to be bigger than it is. We all know how she is, so why?

I won't apologize because I am not at fault and as you have so righteously pointed out, I have an extremely big ego.

I won't talk to you anymore due to my attitude is not changeable just like your childishness is not as well. So...here's me shrugging dirt off my shoulders.

You want to blow this out of proportion, I will help you detonate the bomb.

Well done, dad.

At a loss.

I am going crazy.

Naturally.

I just can't understand the unjust of it all. Life really played me well this time.

Real good.

I learnt a few things along the road.

I have to start keeping a diary, not date anyone anymore if I am not ready and just take things slow. NEVER ever invest my feelings in just 2 meetings even when I can't help it.

Date ten million guys at one time.

Maybe, I shouldn't have

Hello.

Looking back at my post here.... I was thinking, maybe I shouldn't have posted these details to you guys here. Maybe... it's too private of what I've posted here as it involves people I've met and maybe they don't want to see their private lives here.

But the thing is...

This is me, right? I mean, I guess I have to change the name as a form of respect.

Should have done that.

So hence, I've learnt... I'll change the names of the people I am blogging about as a form of respect.

Unless, you're a douche... Then, no way.

Alrighty.... Toodles!

Well, now... The answer

OK.

Well.

I am back to being me again.

He answered me. In a way...

Well, I called him yesterday and today.. because well, I just was worried and needed to know what's going on. (he haven't been answering anything like at all...and it's not difficult to just reply a text, seriously) but he doesn't pick up.

Then I call him using my work phone and guess what?

He picked up on the third ring. Of course, I was shocked... hurt a little too, so I hung up.

Then he texted me; "Pls don't do that again during office hours."

Well then, ain't going to do anything else. He was a nice guy but his busy lifestyle and his refusal to pick up my call or just text me... probably was a ringing bell that I am far too desperate for him.

I totally get it now.

To say I am not bitter about it is a lie because, I did like him.(still do) So much that I was missing him so dearly. But life as always, decide that my feelings was just a toy that should be played.

Well played, again, life.

Anyways, I am done with all these... maybe when I am 30 and single, I'll start to panic again.

Toodles.