Sigh.

Sigh.

That's the thing I have been doing the past few days.

Just sighing because it's all down hill from now.

like Jack... From Jack and Jill... like tumbling down the damn hill. Looking at my previous post, I just feel like ripping it off but I, obviously, can't. What's with the computer being solid and unbreakable unless I have a real fit.

I feel like taking it down but then again, it was me feeling genuinely happy for myself and me looking forward for something great.

He hasn't been in contact with me since last Tuesday and I am feeling a bit cheated. I KNOW I am asking too much too soon but what is it with men and me? Why can't they not.... be so hard to understand? I thought women are complicated.... well, so far, men are not that far off from being complex.

Sigh.

I do that after looking at my phone, after I watched a drama, after I drink...even now, after a paragraph.

Thing is, I know it's.... just over. I should be moving on. But then when I do, all I can think, 'but what if he text me again and I am out with another man?'

The answer came just as the question did; I would drop everything and go and meet him.

Cause I like him that much.

Why do I even? Two dates.... and I don't even know him much to be quite honest. I guess when you're alone for too long, even a bit of attention seems to be something out of the ordinary.

But still, I have come to terms that I was looking for a relationship. I was upfront about it in my profile. He knew, I suppose. Maybe not, maybe he didn't know because I know he's not looking for a relationship. I want to just know, right now, why is he doing this?

Why kiss me? Christine, kindly as she always does, said he might have felt bad for me for not contacting me sooner.

Just felt bad. No emotions attached. Just pity for me.

Sigh.

Why can't I just accept this...that he's not where I want him to be? He's not the one that I was waiting for. He's just not.

What he can be, though, is a friend. So why do I repulse that?

Because, I have just started feeling for him the moment he kissed me, the moment everything seem to be going so well.

I want to cry.

I keep giving him excuses that he's really busy and there's no way in hell that he can message me.

But as the reality settles in oh, so violently, Chirstine said to me in the most kindest way, "Even when one is busy.. it doesn't take a lot to just drop a text."

Confession, I did call him.. cause I just wanted to call him and impulse took over. He didn't picked up.

The answer is right there. Right there.

Last Saturday, I told Christine if we ever do set up a date to meet, I am going to kiss him... Now, that I am here with no buzz and some sense, I'll say No, I won't. And if he does make a move, I will....stop him cause if I don't, I might as well dig a grave for myself.

Sigh.

This is getting more dramatic than it should. I hate myself for being like this. I hate this. But yet, I refuse an answer that could possibly set me free from silly daydreams and hopeless hoping.

Sigh.

The worst part of it all... it's not his fault.

The one that holds this fault for me feeling this way...

Is me.

Sigh.....